DESTRUCTIVE URGE

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hey guys ive had another good day today ,my daughters car broke down ,and i had to fix that ,4 hours in freezing conditions but i did it and i feel great ,,last year i was really quite bad ,and the visitor was with me
all the time and it did punish me ,,this is the first year with the forum it
has made such a differance to my life ,ive been a bit rebelious at times i know ,but ive had your help and do you know ,ifeel like ive come home
and its falling into place now ,the forum is quiet ,but i know some of you are finding it hard ,and of course you,ll be busy also ,i do miss those of
you who are silent at the moment but ill keep talking to you ,i know you ,ll
return when you feel like it ,it does me good to talk ,i dont have to see you to know your listening ,and i will listen to you also ,i dont feel alone now ,and i hope you dont either ,we have a great family here ,and we look out for each other ,it cause,s me worry and i do get stressed when i see you suffering ,but i would not change it for the world ,your all a big part of my life now ,the freinds id always longed for ,so you see life did
give me some good ,my lovely wife FRAN two GREAT,GIRLS ,,and my
CARING FREINDS from all over the world ,,,,,thanks for all your support
i am so lucky to know you all ,,,,,,,hugs to everyone ,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

It's so great to hear that you're doing so well ken, hope things continue on the up and that you all have a great xmas

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hey lisa ,your words are most kind and welcome ,i think ill be ok but we all know how things can change ,,you to have a nice xmas lisa and mark ,ill be around here over the holiday ,talking to myself probably
but it does me good going shopping shortly ,,,hope to talk again later lisa
,,,,,hugs ken stay safe lisa

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I think today of the family i dont have ,the aunties and uncles cousens
and others i destroyed in the fire all those years ago ,each year at this time they haunt me ,the family warmth my young children never had because no one would visit us ,but mostly i think of my Mother and Father
the two old people i have not known since that dreadful day ,they remain strangers to me ,i see them but i feel nothing ,will they ever know how sorry i am ,and how i pay everyday i wake ,will the visitor meet them at there journeys end and tell them it was responsable for my actions or am i just looking for forgivness ,this i could never ask for ,ive told them in a letter i sent many christmas,s ago ,but it has never been spoken of ,i cannot be a son now as much as it hurts with this thing growing inside me
i feel nothing but pain and regret ,i dont believe in your god ,but whatever it is out there ,i hope one day they can know that i am paying for my terrible sins ,it may make them feel better to know that like there house and there lives ,i burn everyday and night ,and no matter what i do in life
the fire is always burning in my mind behind my tired eyes .
maybe i am the visitor ,i have no mother or father , were
did i come from ,,HELL?

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at this time i have lots of random thoughts ,i would have been alone normally ,but now i can share these thoughts here ,normally they would
lay within my mind at xmas crushing me ,and making it harder to function
as a husband and father ,today the visitor brought my parents and all my
relatives ,to see me ,the people i once loved ,but then destroyed ,it showed
me how fran was nodding badly in the shops this morning ,gentle rapid
tremors ,as the m.s. takes a little more from her ,she doent know shes doing it thank god ,if she does though shes being very brave ,i saw the dead puppy i held in my arms all those years ago ,i was around 8 i think
it ran across the road to me and was hit by a motorcycle ,killed out right
i picked it up and carried it to its owner ,got in to a lot of trouble off mam
for being covered in blood ,i can see its little face as clear as day its little tounge lolling out and its bright eyes looking at me as it ran to greet me
i was so young i just wanted to stroke it ,but the visitor reached out and
took its little life ,for mounths i would wake in the night and the little puppy would be laid on the pillow next to me ,i know it was not me who killed it ,but i did get so close that the demon could strike it down ,,,,
so i will lay these things to rest here ,,,i still feel alright apart from all these visitors taughts ,,,pretty upbeat to be honest ,
how are you my freinds ,,ok i hope ,,be safe and strong ,,,hugs ken

[lisalou]

I'm glad too that you have this place to share your thoughts and relieve your pain, and i'm glad that i've found you here to be my friend

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and im glad you did to lisa ,your a dear freind and you know were i am
anytime ,ill always be here talking away ,even if no one listens ,i know what it feels like to wake up and see kind words left for you to read
your so kind ,,please take care and never give in ,,,,super hugs ,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

We listen Ken

Warmie

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i know you do ,and i do to ,thanks warmie girl ,i really enjoyed the chatroom tonight ,and im feeling pretty good ,hope your ok ,thanks for your patients and caring ,,,a big hug warmie girl ,
enjoy your preperations ,mmmm yum yum ,,,,fooooooooooooddddd,,,ken

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

NN Ken, sleep well................ ((((( Ken )))))))))))))

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hey warmie ,thanks for that ,im just getting up ,the ferrets need walking ,before i go to work ,its very cold outside ,,,i still feel HAPPY ,
how are you ok i hope how did the food prep and things go ...good !
i hope to see you later ,i may look in on the chat if things arent to hectic here ,bye for now ((((big hug warmie girl )))),,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

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well work is out of the way now ,weve been and got a little more shopping ive got the housework to do as fran is tired ,then well prepare the turkey
together ,GOTTA CATCH IT FIRST LOL,,fran loves xmas everythings got to be just right ,even i have got to make sure i dont look tatty ,had an extra close shave ,the sandpaper was a little painful though ,listen to me
i dont understand how im holding up so well this time last year i was so tearful all the time ,i put it down to the forum you know ,i can think of you my freinds anytime i like ,and the kind words you say to me are allways to hand ,anyway enough waffle from me ,,,i hope your all ok ,i will be
thinking of you all during the next few days i hope to be on here to let u know how were doing here ,and check to see your ok ,even though it will be hectik here i cant not talk to my freinds it will do us both good ,,,who ,s
that yawning ,,,if you r bad right now make the best of it ,i may wake in the morning and feel awful but i wont complain if i do cos ive had a good few days now ,,
while i feel strong let me help you carry that pain ,share with me im good for it remember if we fight together we will prevail ,and im at your side in spirit and i have my sword and my yppah (happy)with me
wonderful HUGS TO YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLL,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,KEN

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Thanks Ken,

All done with the food, cooking it all tomorrow.

Will try to be about later, just a lot to do today in preparations for tomorrow. One time a year I have loads of people here.

Take care, make it a good day. (((((((((( Ken ))))))))))

Warmie

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hi warmie ,good your all organized then by the sound off it ,it must be nice having family around ,something i dont know about ,but i have my
own family around me ,my own relatives dont know what there missing
im still feeling good ,despite being up since four am ,fran had a little attack but shes ok just a little tired now ,,weve still got lots to do but it fun
,FUN WARMIE ,so nice i can use that word ,and i had FUN on the chat last
night it was nice to have that expeiriance ,i shall be a regular visitor from
now on ,NOT THAT VISITOR OF COURSE LOL,,anyway warmie you have a good day tommorrow ,you really do deserve it ,your a good girl,
happy holidays my dear freind ,looking forward to next year ,with all my
dear freinds ,thanks again for being here ,,,,,love and hugs ,,,ken

GOODNIGHT WARMIE GIRL ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken,

Oranized, gifts wrapped, house work and laundry done, waiting for the cooking and baking to start tomorrow morning.

Yes, it is good to be able to say, do and use that word 'fun'. Far and between in our lives, so enjoy it!

Glad you enjoyed the chat room, it is a good place, lots of support from caring people. If it goes too fast just try to center attention to one or two chatters, until you get the hang of things, worked for me in the beginning.

Me good? Now I know one person that would argue that point, well maybe more than one, but thank you for that compliment. Who knows in time I might be, LOL.

Happy Holidays to you and your family. Happy Christmas Ken, you deserve that happiness. Fran is a lucky woman. Take care.

Warmie

((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))