Hi
I just want to talk about my feelings to neutral people out there. I'm forty years old and living with my mother (all my life). I have no friends, the rest of my "family" has rejected me, I have no job, and I'll probably be homeless when my mother passes away.
Right now I'm being forced to see a family therapist that my mother used to see, and I say "forced" because it turns out I don't like her. I wanted to just have someone to talk to, but this therapist is always looking at me like I'm odd or telling me how SHE feels about everything I talk about. When I talk about people hurting me she always has an excuse for them.
My mother thinks that this person is going to "help" me by getting me a life. She actually believes that she can get me on SSI (which is very difficult to get on; mostly everyone is rejected, or takes years to get approved) or something. All this therapist has said to me is go for volunteer work.
I have to say that I hate my mother at this point. I sarcastically ask her if she thinks the woman is going to adopt me. She is also blackmailing me by saying she won't give me the little money that I get every month if I quit seeing this therapist until I talk to my PCP about getting into a clinic. This means I'll have to see her for another 2 and a half months every week. What is there to talk about since the therapist does not have an understanding heart? The whole situation is making me feel sick inside. It is not normal to force a person to see someone that is not helping. All I want is someone to listen to ME for a change. But this person is too easy-going and very patronizing. The therapist acts as though if I keep a positive attitude, I can make others like me or give me a job. (I live in NY, and I'll tell you, there ARE NO jobs here! Plus, I haven't worked since 1993)
As I type this, I'm crying. I'm very alone and have no one to talk to. (My mother will not talk about anything like adults, ever) The "family" I said rejected me is my so-called sister. She ten years older than me, but neither her nor my mother ever helped me. Oh, they have talked about me behind my back, but never did anything. Not only do I feel a gut-wrenching hurt inside, but also a great rage. My situation is so screwed. Like I've said, I'm very trapped. My mother is always saying "what if I die, what will you do" Real nice. I guess I'll be in the street. I'm more realistic than anyone about this. That's when I asked "what do you think this therapist is gonna do, adopt me?" All she says is "maybe she can help you" whatever that may be.
It is really absurd this situation. I feel worse since going than every before. I've prepared for the actuality to either survive the streets ( I won't be able to because I look too weak and wimpy and they'll literally kill me out there) or just kill myself. I would like to do it but I'm afraid. But it is the better solution. I want to hurt myself a lot. I used to punch my face in hopelessness. I'll tell you, no one would care if I were dead. And it would help everything if I were dead. If I lived in a house with a garage and car I could turn on the gas and it would be over. I could have peace at last.
I stopped believing in anything long ago and now I cry alone like I've always had, but I joined this forum today because I wanted to talk to all of you out there. You certainly would be neutral in listening. I'm at least glad I could type this down. There is so much more to talk about and much deeper than what is here, but that would take forever.
Do you find it unfair that I have to see someone that is not helping me?
I do.
I thank you for listening
