I feel like I have to be alone, how do I stop?

[MinnesotaSmall]

I have been dealing with major depression for the past 2-3 years. It has seemed uncontrollable this entire time. My medicine only seems to slightly work. I can't seem to keep it under control. I don't know what to do anymore. The people I trust to go to get frustrated. They feel like I just keep cycling and never getting better. It starts to get them upset. I feel like they don't realize how hard I'm trying. I feel like I don't have any control. I struggle and get a say in how I feel, but then it's like an entire other person takes the wheel and I can't help that I'm sad or what I think. It attacks me from the inside and I feel like I have no control, and I can't communicate to those that could help me because I'm not choosing what happens. I get so sad. I can't help crying. I feel worthless and I can't feel any other way. I have panic attacks. I lash out at myself. It's unbearable. I don't know what to do anymore.
The people I depend on to help me are getting sick of it, because they don't see any progress, but I don't know how to get better. I do try to get better. I just don't know how to fix depression.

This fear though is just making me feel all the worse. It's adding on to the fear I already have. It just seems to spiral.

How do I stop the spirally? How do I gain control? How do I keep the people close to me that I love without frustrating them?

[edityou]

MinnesotaSmall, For one thing you to stop blaming yourself for others feelings. Your trying to do something with your depression and that's a great start. It seems the more we try to gain control the more out of control we become. My journey for dealing with a life time of depressing began with starting to love myself. I make very little money and only a few material posessions over the years. I ask god how come I can't have things I want. A great job my own house, children, friends. Things most people have. Today I still don't have those things and it's ok. If god wants that for me its ok. From that day I got closer to God. I learned to love myself and that's the only thing that matters to me now. Your a wonderful person I can tell. Love yourself today the rest is just nonsense.

[hollyann]

Hi MinnesotaSmall. Welcome to the forum. You aren't alone when trying to gain control of the depression. Maybe you should try therapy as well as meds. Sometimes the people around us can't tell the difference. What matters if you can tell a difference. If the meds are not working you need to tell your doctor. And try a different med, a med increase or maybe a combination of meds. You can keep a mood chart and see how you feel on a daily basis and present it to your doctor. And while people don't fully understand depression unless theyve had it. You can show them information on it. Ask them to join in a place where they can get help knowing how to support someone with depression. Coming here was a huge step. Wish you well.

hollyann