Silence & Silent Breakage

[crystalgaze]

I think I can officially now say (perhaps?) that I am lost or that I lost something some place. What? I'm not sure... I don't seem to remember & as much as I try to recall, there is nothing--no voice (I guess that's good?), no image, no background, even I don't appear to have a physical body (or be there physically). Umm, like I can't tell whether I'm there or not [or what]..

I've been gone for a while.... (too long perhaps) Something doesn't quite feel right with me. How long this will go on... I am not sure.

I was aware enough today to note that I had something I describe as silent breakage....

Aye... There was no extreme pain any where, but I just got the feeling I broke.... (like a vase that falls off of a table) Where the pieces were? I can't say. Maybe it was a suspended break (like on TV) or like hitting the pause button on a remote in the middle of the break.

I do not seek medicine for this because I do not feel a bottle of pills will help me.... The other thing is I would not know what exactly to tell the doctor or how to describe it. I could even say I feel fine.

It's just sort of wack.....

Physically, I would say I feel fine (as far as my eye can tell)...
Internally, I have no idea how I would be doing.
Mentally, best words for it is worn out or a little exhausted or tired.

I think maybe those 3 lines above will be how I keep a log of how I feel. ~lol~ I just have to remind myself to keep it short!

I guess I can be glad a bit... I finally might have found some words for this thing that has me. Off to bed... It's only 9pm at the time of writing, but I feel beat.... (Whoa...) ----> Then again, I do tend to be up sort of early lately....

Mind is rambling.... Later all!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( crystalgaze ))))))))))))))))))))))

Will keep good thoughts going for you. Always in prayers, if that is all right with you.

Do take care of yourself, you are thought highly of and needed here.

Take care please

Warmie

[dandelion]

(((((((((((((((((((( crys ))))))))))))))))))))))))

Will be thinking of you my friend and love you so much, hope you will feel better soon

love
dandelion

[Hanging On]

Crystalgaze you have a very keen way of putting things into words that allows me to draw a picture in my mind. I think my pause button broke a while back. I have glued my vase back together several times but there are still those little shards that you can never find. So with a few cracks showing and the glue running down the sides I set my vase back on the edge of the shelf and try again with a little more determination and perseverance than the last time.

I hope that this will be how you tackle the issues confronting you now. Stay hopeful and go with the thought that you will have help to find the pieces to your vase should it fall.

I hope for you that your pause button never fails.

[Mich]

Thinking of you. *hugs*

[crystalgaze]

Thank you every one!

Silence to Silent Breakage to ....

a Silent Revolution to ... a Silent Procession

I had a very chilling thought that came to me, almost like a revelation, like a moment of clarity in fog...

It feels like I am going back to the place/frame of mind that resulted in hospitalization years ago [silently]. ...not sure what to think. I could simply just be panicking again or something, but I do feel calm/down/low today a little, but that's to be expected.

[crystalgaze]

I've been silent for a while, & believe that I may have a pondering about it now (in general).

As much as I freaked out about my silence, there was & then again there wasn't too much to worry over.

I am still a perpetual worrywart.... I really did tell myself I have to stop....


The silence I experienced for many months was not all bad.... I'm still not sure what it was about, but I think it might have been a test.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( crystal )))))))))))))))

Please know we need you, so type and talk with us. We all worry, think I would throw in the towel at times, were it not for my friends here.

Jeanie

[Obayan]

*obayan glues crystal back together with the special DU glue*
I read the label and the ingeredients say "love".

*obayan hands the newly glued vase to jeanie*
Please put this on the shelf marked compassion as I know you are a woman with an overabundance of it.

*obayan turns to Dandelion*
Please guard this shelf with the dedication and strength I know you posses inside you behind that beautiful smile.

Mitch, hangingon, you two get to guard the palace doors to the special vase we treasure so much.

To this vase that has seen so much pain and suffering in life we give our hopes, our fears and our dreams because we see the heart that resides inside the vase. We see the beauty that heart inspires as the flowers blossom from it's rim. We know the true nature of the stained glass it was concieved from. And we love with all our hearts what it has become in it's struggle to survive.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))

You are one that knows how to smile and cry at the same time. Thank you!

Warmie

[pablos]

Wow,..., Thank you, (((((((((((((((((((( crystalgaze )))))))))))))))))))))) for your sharing.

Thank you, everyone for your responses.
This is very inspiring and helpful to me too. It gives me hope and I hope it gives ((((((((((((((((((((crystalgaze )))))))))))))))))))))) that same hope.
We are all loved.
p

[Obayan]

((( pablos )))

[crystalgaze]

Sometimes, I feel mute. Of course, I'm not actually mute, though.

The best way I can put it is some sort of repression. It's like my thoughts now die instant deaths. I think something, but I don't bother to say it or lose the gusto/nerve/emotion/will to say it--just like that. In some ways, I guess I wonder to myself, somewhere in there when I'm about to say anything is: "Why bother?"

The other factor I can consider for the silence is my heart. I really try not to get myself hyped up about anything anymore, lest I start gasping for breath. (I'm already hyper to begin with, so I'll probably just be damaging myself more.)

When it comes to me talking to people or an acquaintance of mine, it is partly a trust issue. I also feel that my issues are not worth talking about or rather that it's just something I better not do (lest I end up telling my business to someone who will either use it against me or use it to plan for me). & the icing on the cake? I'm mute because I'm shutting out people in my immediate space; they don't have time for me & my feelings any way.

The other reason is that it is sometimes good to listen.

It's a mixture of things....

[crystalgaze]

Well.... After some quick thoughts, as well as some events, I am deciding to choose silence. From what has happened lately (in my real life), I see that nobody really wants to hear anything I have to say. That will save me some breath.

If I am hurting, there is no one there for me, & it is best that I lie through my teeth, not say anything, & not pick up the phone to call anyone or anything. The thing is I try to be very independent & not rely on anyone... You know, not to... how you say.... exhaust whatever little resources that might be there. However, there might not have been any resources to begin with at all. If I really have that moment where I feel like I'm going to be over the edge, that's when I reach. Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut & work through my stuff as best as I can.

Nobody has time for me, but heck, I'm not going to let that get me down at all. I simply won't have time for them either. It works.

It's nice to know what's really what--that I can't actually depend on anyone in my life: from my mother to my father to my acquaintance, no one. (I was right when I referred to this person I know as an acquaintance. At 1st, I thought that perhaps it was cold of me, but it is actually appropriate.)

If it kills me, it kills me. I tried. It's said the truth will set you free. Here's to being free!

[crystalgaze]

This thread is a year old.... Amazing!

Well.... I realized how dead & disconnected I feel today after talking to someone. It's more at disconnected.... I am going to chalk it up, though, to imbalances in my body at the moment.

I often feel bad when this thing comes.... I'm not in S-mode yet.... (hopefully I won't get there)