not sure, ptsd, poss trigger?

[hollyann]

I know I usually don't come to the boards yet. Kinda on a little break from the room so I'm here instead. I have bipolar, and I'm in a real bad down swing. I'm finding I don't really know what to say. And here I have the option of going away once I hit send and not waiting for a reply. Somehow that seems easier right now. Than actually talking directly. Because I feel like I'm weighing everything I do or say. Not saying replies aren't welcome because they are.. Just saying its easier for a post.. and then to come back with a reply later than me to have to think on the spot if that makes sense.
I know I'm in a down swing. And a part of the bipolar, the other side is that eventually I'll come back up again. Just I'm not sure. Sometimes the lows are really bad. Kind of devastating. And only a part of whats going on right now.
I have a lot of stressors at home, but even thats not whats truly bugging me. I dont know. I also have ptsd. I won't go into details of the why. But its been really close to the surface lately and affecting me. And I feel like I have no outlet for it and how I am feeling.
I used to write poetry. But right now, I'm finding I dont even have the words for that. I'm torn between wanting to be near people and the need to isolate. I feel like a shadow of my former self sometimes when I'm going through this phase. I know eventually I'll be able to put it in the background again. And continue. And get back to where I was. It's just hard. I'm withdrawing from people/friends on here, or feel like I am. And basically in so many ways they are all I have.
But sometimes I wonder if anyone notices, or if it even matters, and I know of course it does. Just my mood making me think otherwise. Sorry I know I'm rambling here. Just.. I dont know. Thank you for those that read this even though I'm not sure it makes any sense...

hollyann

[lisalou]

well i have noticed you and i understand your pain. sorry that sounds a really cheesy crappy thing to say. i know exactly what it's like to want to be alone and then desperately wanting someone to be with and help,i keep swinging between the two exremes. my moods are very much up and down,i don't think i'm actually bipolar although i do get highs...it can make the downs seem all the more pronounced though doesn't it? i like to write poetry too but while i'm this depressed i'm just writing stream-of-consciousness ranting and maybe someday in the future i can turn that anguish into art,who knows. i hope you feel even a little better soon and remember that with a real bad depression, every day you struggle through is a triumph

Lisa xxx

[xn728]

hey everybody ,i dont think ive ever told this before ,i think this triggered
it ,i suffer from ptsd,also from the fire ,i feel i may have to talk more about this sometime ,it is an evil in its own right ,and something very hard to deal with ,stick with it everyone ,
if my footsteps should end ,dont try to follow xn728,,ken

[Mich]

You are not alone. I am sorry you are suffering. Please take comfort in the fact that there are many here who do notice you and that do care. I hope you will keep reaching out through your posts.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there hollyann! I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come to the boards.

I think every one else has already said what I would've said. I just wanted to let you know I did read your post.

Take care & write back to let us know how you are doing. We're here.

[hollyann]

Thank you all for reading this. And for saying you notice and that I'm not alone. And truth is I know that I'm not. And that I know if I am alone its because I choose to be that way. I know I have you all here, the room, my friends there, my 8 year old, my fiance. Just sometimes the illness has a way of lying and making me feel isolated, and making me try to isolate myself because I feel like I shouldn't be around others when I am in the worst of it, even though its when I need people the most. Sometimes I wonder if even the people that know me well can tell the difference between the real smile and the fake one.
I feel a bit better today. Maybe enough so I can resume chatting, but going to try and stay active on the boards now as well. Part of me wonders if its just an upswing. And a part of me says it doesn't matter and I'll just take it as it comes. And yes sometimes it does make the down swings more pronounced, but then sometimes it's something to look forward to depending on just how far down I've slid. I can tell myself its just a matter of time before I get up again. And others the whole yo yo feeling gets old. Luckily meds usually makes it where the mood swings aren't so bad and I've just recently started taking mine again.
Thanks again for all the replies. And Xn728/Ken, sorry that my post triggered yours.

hollyann