random thoughts: pt. 6

[WabiSabi]

My instincts have been pretty correct all the way.

But tonight... I felt like I am going to lose someone really close to me. Someone who's been with me from the start. And that thought alone is making me feel a bit low tonight. I don't want this instinct to be true.

It's strange, because I have always thought of myself as an avoidant. I can live without anyone. I can distance myself, disappear, ask for freedom, convince myself that I will be fine on my own.

But tonight, none of that feels true.

Because there is a difference between wanting to be free and wanting someone to disappear from your life.

And I don't want to lose this person.

I've spent so much of my life believing that I can let people go, that I can survive without anyone, that somehow I'll find a way to be okay.

But this person has been there by birth.

I hope this universe is not as cruel as it seems.

I know I ask for freedom sometimes. I know I need my space. I know I can be distant, and I know I have always tried to convince myself that I don't need anyone.

But if there's one person I don't want to lose, it's this one.

Not yet.

Not anytime sooner.

let me have this one.

Just a little longer.