I'm in a bad space & don't know what 2 do.

[sugarrr*]

I'm so not well right now. I've been reading Jeffery Eugenides book "The Virgin Suicides" & actually finding too many simularities with the characters who end their lives. I take care of my two young babies right now & feel like I am in a prison. I haven't been this depressed in a while. I am confined to my house, & becuz of the lack of space in my house I am in one chair all day infront of my computer. The funny thing is I'm getting married in august & should be happy but I feel like I am ready to call it off. We have been together almost 3 years, but it feels like he can never love me as much as I love him. He doesn't touch me anymore like he's afraid of catching some rare disease. I am also an ex-drug addict so I know I'm prone to puttting high expectations on everything & I feel like he should be constantly wrapping his arms around me & showering me with love, which is totally unrealistic. I live with my mother & she's becoming angry at me as I am here all day & was given the responsibility of a housekeeper; though lately I am not doing anything. I even feel like I'm physically unable to take a shower, like paralized with sadness, & I'm disgusting myself. On top of all this shit, I've become bulemic again since I coould be 99 pounds and still think I'm fat. Daily I plan out my suicide & began net surfing on sites that have to do will death. Lucky I keep having a re-occurring thought of my mother going in the basement & finding me hanging from a ceiling pipe, & after thinking on what that would do to her & my 3 kids, I am angry at myself for still wanting to end my life. Depression is so funny, it's like you don't care about yourself but at the same time it's total selfishness of how you are completely focused on you.
This feeling is on & off with me & I just don't know what to do. My family knew of my past illnesses & tried suicides, but they are unaware that I am this bad off right now. My fiance doesn't want me taking meds & really can't conceive how a person want to end their life & feel that bad with so much good in it. I just don't know what I should do.

[georgiapeach]

((((((((((( sugarrr* ))))))))))))))))
hi and welcome here, i personally believe you need to seek treatment and help asap. with just the things you are typing in here, please for you sake, your kids sake, and your mothers sake. they all love you very much. i know how you feel though i've been there, just i dont have any kids, yet. my son isnt due until july, but i do get thoughts like you are describing below. i just keep going every day for him so this way he can be raised properly, have morals/values, and just be happy. also just so you know there is a blog section attached to this site,and a chatroom. the chatroom contains many people that you can express your feelings with. it helps you not feel so alone. keep your head up girl, you can do it!! i have faith in you, and i've never met you but i really do

[Friday13]

HI sugarr,
i feel for you.
my boyfriend doesnt understand why i also feel sad too but i cant explain why, i have bulimic tendencies :/
How long have u been bulimic?
Maybe see your gp?
Get therapy?
Get out abit more?
I know its hard but if u start to force yourself
to get out at first it gets so much easier

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( sugarrr ))))))))))))))))

Welcome. With this form there is a chat room. Maybe consider going in there and talking with others. That does help, to be able to talk with those that understand and can give added support. Just knowing you aren't alone with depression and all that comes with it.

Take care and keep posting, please.

Warmie/Jeanie