My Journal (Triggering Material)

[CrazyLady17]

I'm sure you would, as people already hate me

I suppose you are right there to be fair.

Exactly; nobody is perfect not even me. Wish I was though, as I am just such a stupid screw up.

Aww thank you, means a lot. To say I feel completely alone.

(((Hugs)))

[drizzle]

Those people that hate you are idiots.

I understand that you feel alone, but remember that you have friends here
on this forum, who are here.

You are not alone.

(sends hug)

[CrazyLady17]

They aren't the idiots, I am the idiot here blah
But thank you.

I know I have and I am truly grateful for that honestly I am.

I still feel completely alone though.

(((Hugs)))

[drizzle]

Do not think about past right now, whatever had happened it is behind you.

Do not think about people who have something against you.

Think about those that are here with you.

If you cannot, try to get some sleep, maybe you are just tired.

I also feel alone, this Christmas feels like everyone forgot about me.

But after years facing depression and anxiety I refuse to think about how they have left me.

I have decided to think about things that make me happy, no matter how small those things are.

(sends hug)

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you.
Pretty hard to forget though you know?
My parents have gone and left me homeless, I'm stuck in hospital on a section after attempting suicide 7 times this year now. I've gone and had 3 miscarriages this year too.
I'm 17 and my world feels like a complete f***ed up world.

I have nobody.
Nobody came to visit me yesterday in hospital on Christmas Day, not parents not friend no-one.

[drizzle]

I can not say that I understand your pain, but I do understand your loneliness and feeling of being lost.

I have felt alone ever since my mother had died.
She was the only person who would listen to me, try to accept me.
Everyone else is just does not care or even hates me.
I have destroyed every chance with the girl I loved.
For Christmas I was alone.
World is f***ed up.
Several times I had tried to kill myself, but that is not a solution.

I want to find people that would make me happy and who I would make happy.
I want to find what I love doing the most and try doing it.

Life is hard, but I want to make it nice.

[CrazyLady17]

My pain is more than what most people have gone through to be honest, especially at 17.

Aww bless, I'm sorry to hear that.
There is someone out there for everyone believe me. Your time will come and you'll meet the right person.

I've tried suicide more than serval times though? This year 7, last year 10. I am finally on a section, with the mental health team, working with a crisis team and could end up bing restrained if I don't do what they tell me to do. I escaped last week and got brought back by police.
My life is so f***** up.
I can't do it anymore.

[drizzle]

I know that I won't be happy with anyone until I become happy with myself.

To become happy a person must accept mistakes and focus life on good things. It is hard and it seems impossible, but it can be achieved.

But remember that you have friend here, with you.

Life can be good, try to think about it.

[CrazyLady17]

Exactly.
And I know for a fact you'll become happy with yoursel one day. Just take one day at a time- I do., but it sometimes doesn't work. It's aload of bulls***

Hmm suppose you are right there.
To be fair I'll never be happy with myself, my life is past "help". I just want to die.
When I get out of this hospital- I'll be homeless?
That's horrible.
My life is a waste of space and f***** up.

I'm done.

[drizzle]

How can you say that you will never be happy?

When my mother died, I have thought it was the end.
When I have destroyed every chance with one special girl, I have thought it was the end.
When friends left me, I have thought it was the end.
When my family was against everything I do, I have thought it was the end.
When I realized how impossible my dreams are, I have thought it was the end.

I am still here.
And finally I don't care what family, friends or whoever wants to say, I matter.
I am finally becoming friend with myself.

And you matter too. You are a good person, I can see that.

I want that you become friend with yourself, I know that it sounds impossible at this moment, but you can. Everything can be solved, even homeless situation is not without any chance.

If you need someone to help, I will be here.

[CrazyLady17]

Because it's the god honest truth?

Aww bless you.
Well.. Well done for that and I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself too for that. Eh?

Hmm...
Well my best friend committed suicide and I feel like it was all my fault, I've tried to commit suicide and still want to commit suicide now.
I feel so empty, I feel lost, I feel no hope.
Everyone has left me, friends, family, everyone.
I literally have nobody. That hurts a lot.

Thank you.

[drizzle]

I understand that you feel alone.

But I am here, ready to help you.

There are other people on this forum, ready to help you.

You are not alone.

Try to think like that. I know it is hard, but just try.

[CrazyLady17]

Exactly?!

I am trying? Can't you see I've been trying for weeks now? Months even.
I just seem to be getting more and more weaker and insecure day after day, and it's painful.
I feel like I'm already dead inside?
I feel nothing anymore.

Thank you.
I know there are people here for me; but I just fear you'll all leave me and I'll be once again suffering all on my own.

[drizzle]

The hard truth is that I can not help you facing your problems.
I can only give you advice.
The hard truth is that I can not guarantee you that I will be here in a year, month, week.

But the nice things are:
that I want to see you happy
that I think that you are a good person(I can see that, it can be easily seen from your posts on this forum)
that you will always be able to remember that there was some guy called drizzle who was saying things you have heard million of times, but who also wanted to see you happy

The truth is that only you can make yourself happy
You can also always come here if you fell that you can not continue anymore
And you can always remember that there are people in this weird world who have wanted to help you

I understand that you are afraid of suffering all on your own
But you are not alone(I am perfectly aware that I am repeating myself and I apologise if I am boring with this) and you won't be alone

[Frame]

Can't you see I've been trying for weeks now? Months even.
I just seem to be getting more and more weaker and insecure day after day, and it's painful.
I feel like I'm already dead inside?
I feel nothing anymore.

Seriously Hon, I think you need to slow down and breath deeper. Let's take em step by step:

Absolutely we can see you've been, you are, trying.
I can understand that from the inside it may seem like your getting weaker, but from where I stand, it looks like you are getting stronger and better. It's hard to tell when your in the middle of it.
Let me take the last two together and say horsesh***t; All your posts here prove that you are fully alive and feeling plenty. So try to stop fooling yourself. What your feeling may not be pretty, but you have a choice as how you interpret it.

I suppose I was panicking and trapped in my room and in the homeless shelter...

I would be doing anything put this; anything put crying and self harming. So listening to music, writing, art work, hanging with friends etc...
But that's all gone...

Sorry, but again, No; It's not gone. The only thing up there you may not be able to do right now is hang out. But with a little work you might make some friends where you are too. So let's find some paper where you are. I'm sure they have some minimal art supplies. You can find some music. Snap a picture of some art work you have done and we'll work together to get it into the gallery.

K?