The Fundamental Unknown

[nenkohai]

There is no way to say any of this without sounding unreal or detached from reality. As a child I had a number of occurances that might be thought of as paranormal or even supernatural. As an adult, I've thought about those events and mentally filed them under "whatever. " in the last ten years, I have met some people who challenged me to remove that file from the category of "whatever," and put it into my life's "active" files... In a way asking me to incorporate a new paradigm and perspective of accepting what reality is.

And I've wondered if I've just been associating with the wrong kind of people. Or maybe just associating with fellow fantasizers.

But when my own father has a powerful paranormal experience, I am forced to reconsider what reality is. After all, my dad was one of the most "nuts and bolts" guys I've ever known.

I've been told that I am hiding something of spiritual significance from my very self. The implication is, whatever that spiritual something is, I can't handle it. I've been told / asked "you don't know who you are, do you?"

I don't know what that means. And I'm afraid to know. The last thing I want to happen to me is to truly lose touch with reality.

Yea, I see and talk to a lot of new agers. I'm not interested in that per se.

I'm afraid of losing touch.

[nenkohai]

And what if I were to tell you that I feel as if I am supposed to do something with this... Thing? Yea, I know... It sounds ludicrous to me as well. I'm not talking about becoming a Christian pastor. My personal theology wouldn't allow that.

I don't understand this drive. It sounds just plain narcissistic. So, I've been sitting on it. For years. Idk. Perhaps I should just forget about it. Move past this self absorption. It's stupid. Burning a lot of my emotional energy.

[nenkohai]

Mercy here. Compassion here. Greeting confusion with kindness. And it all seems less harsh. Less self-absorbed.

Somehow.