where do we go when we just don't know

[geezus84]

WARNING SOME REFERENCE TO SUICIDE, (( INDIRECTLY )) !!





thought id write a little of how am feeling.....

i don't want to die ( to angry or stubborn to do that ) , but my mind keeps asking me why do i want to carry on fighting, taking medication.

should i keep going for love? hell, that ship set sail and caught fire. many times over. For money? i care not for it, ( been given loads dew to a family member dying ) . friends? they left me when i was i first became depressed ( 8 years ago ) and my only two friends left ( by the way there married to each other ) have made there future plans which will send them away from me ( fact of life and based on history repeating itself ) and i wish them well. for family? lets say the jury is out on that. i don't work so that's out the window too.

i really don't mean to trigger people and i don't plan or want to kill myself but i don't see anything to push me forward, to keep me going. and here is the kicker. am not really mentally down. i am kinda in content mode ( could be better could be worse ). i have just developed this rather depressing attitude and can not shake it. i have been like this for 2 weeks now. so i guess am asking where to next?

all of that is not helped by the fact i can't sleep so my mind is always on. always racing. i have got loads to sort thru. a failed relationship. ( where did it go wrong and can i learn from it ). money things to think about now. friends ( leaving me ). not sleeping. family moving about. ( Xmas ). i post this for advice and for maybe someone to show me the way or even say they have been through this. or


thanks for reading

graham

aka.... humblehobbit ( on the chatrooms )

[stillwaters]

hi geezus84, Graham, humblehobbit
thank you for your posting. I was starting to feel alone here. Very similar experience in my life. I am no longer experiencing major depression but still have anxiety both of which I am taking medication for. Not quite at clinical dosage on new med yet so hoping for better days.
Im am long out of the dark pit now and actually have more good periods throughout every day than bad, and between meds and therapy, deep breathing and music relaxation, I can deal with it but every other day or so I ask myself do I really want to keep trying and if so why?
Like you I am not looking to put myself down but I did call medic alert yesterday to see if I could get a bracelet that says do not resusitate. Just in the event I am in a bad accident and end up in hospital. I figure I have paid my dues and if I am badly injured physically, that will have been enough for me. Apparantly they wont do that in Ontario Canada.
I am never sure if the thoughts of unsurity of carrying on, or questioning the value of carrying on are part of the illness or an effect of these strong medications that I am on. Its all chemical right?
I do not know if thinking that way goes against Cognitive Behavior Therapy or not. I too have lost or pushed my few long term good friends away. I do still have good support from other people but family & spouse situation not great. My dad died Christmas day 2008 so happy holidays eh.
Yesterday though I also contacted the local mental health association to see about doing some volunteer work. My doc and my boss say I am not ready to go back to work but when I have the emotional strength I want to help others. I went to the office and met a very nice woman who gave me several leads and contacts. I dont expect to change the world but I know that when I am on the chat room, if my typing a few words can make someone who is hurting feel a bit better, it takes my mind off my problems and makes me feel better. I am going to try to exand this feeling beyond cyberspace and with the anxiety I know it is going to be a challenge but I am hopeing it will also be a solution to the challenge.
I am not saying volunteer work is the answer to your problems but rehashing the past and losing sleep will never make your situation better or change the past results. The fact that you shared your thoughts means that you are looking for a better way.
Maybe just time to shake things up and try something completely new. Everyday you get a chance at starting a new life.
I hope you find a way to make things improve for yourself. Dont stop looking and good luck.