Feeling It

[blueisgreen]

I don't even know where to begin. Just felt like I needed to express myself.
I have not been out of my house in days. I am hiding from everyone and everything. My daughter has called a couple of times to get me to help her buy a gift for her father, but I can't face the crowds, or her, for that matter.
If she comes here I will pretend I am ill with the flu, so that I can stay in bed
and not have to do anything or be forced to deal with the holiday today.
Everyone I know is busy with their plans and their families. I did venture out yesterday, but only for a therapy appt. that has left me sad and angry and feeling so very very very alone.
My boyfriend is away on a road trip to get his son and bring him back for Christmas. He has no idea how I am feeling. He could never understand this and he has enough people in his life who depend on him and who he has to do things for. I haven't seen much of him lately as I am so depressed and he has been so busy making and mailing gifts to all of his many loved ones that I have been able to avoid him pretty well.
My neighbor emailed me - he saw that my house "looked dark" and offered to come by for a holiday cocktail before he left town, but I have not
cleaned my house in a couple of months and I could not get it together to clean so that I could feel ok having a neighbor stop by.
And still I go from my bed to my computer and can't lift a finger to clean my house. Does anybody else ever get like this? What do you do to overcome it?
I understand I should force myself to go out, to clean up, but I just can't
get myself to do it. Day after day I waste my life like this. I only went to therapy because I would have to pay for it anyway if I didn't show up, and I can't afford to waste any $ - well nobody can I guess. So therapy is all that
gets me out of the house. Work too, but I freelance and have only worked 3 days in the last 13 weeks. Well, thanks for letting me express myself.
I hope all of you are in a better place than I am these days.

[xn728]

HI BLUEISGREEN im saddened by your post ,i never relsed you were feeling like this ,youve reached out to me many times ,i was once as bad as you are now around 5 years ago ,i would get out of bed go downstairs and lay on the settee in the living room ,i hope this passes soon ,i can only offer to stand at your side at this time and know i,ll be here during the holiday ,i always think of my freinds blueisgreen ,and you truly are a dear freind ,here let me make you a warm drink ,and i have run round
with the hoover for you ,i dont say this light heartedly ,because if i could i would do these things for you ,,close your eyes and open your mind
blueisgreen feel the warmth of my words and the warmth of the forum
my only wish today is my thoughts reach you through the darkness and
as i reach out also ,i may carry your pain for a while so you may feel a little better ,even if my pain increases it would be worth while
stay safe my dear freind ,you can never be alone ,,hugs ,,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Hi Ken,
Thanks for your good wishes.
I go up and down, sometimes many times in one day.
I don't want to give the wrong impression. I do manage to keep my bathroom and kitchen clean, but vacuuming and dusting have been ignored for a long time. Mail and things tend to pile up and it all gets a bit overwhelming. It's not gross here but I do need to find a way to get motivated so that I would not be embarrassed to have my neighbor over for a drink.
My daughter called tonight and she was busy with friends so I made plans to go shopping with her tomorrow. I hope that when I wake up I can do what I planned to do. I spoke to a couple of good friends tonight and that helped cheer me up. Honestly I think I just get to feeling so isolated and alone because I live far from everybody.
Thank you so much ken for reaching out to me. I really can't tell you how much your kind words have meant to me tonight.
I'm going to try to sleep now. I hope you and Fran had a good time shopping. Thanks again.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I felt very similar for about three weeks when I hardly saw anyone and pretty much hit rock bottom.
I felt quite nervous and exhausted at the thought of going out, but when I did go out I did feel better about it and myself gradually. Is there somewhere near you like a coffee shop or a library perhaps, where you could be outside and with people, but in an environment that you didn't feel too nervous in?
Also, I felt that it helped me to focus on one, or perhaps two or three, small things that I could plan to accomplish each day, rather than worrying and feeling overwhelmed about EVERYTHING that I felt that I HAD to do that day.
As for tidying up my home, I'm afraid that I'm still working on that myself!
I do hope that this won't sound trite, but my psychiatrist said that the key to recovery was making small, gradual changes in your life. Taking things one step, one moment at a time. And, by the Grace of God, that is working for me, however gradually.
Good luck, and take care of yourself!

[Mich]

Hi blueisgreen - I have the same problem with housecleaning. My husband had a word with me about it today. He is not thrilled with my efforts but I can never bring myself to do anything. I am like that with my self care too.
I hope you were able to go shopping with your daughter and that it lifted your spirits. When you are feeling all alone, please know that we are all right here with you. *hugs*

[shatteredhopes]

Your house is not like mine ((((((((blueisgreen))))))); mine IS gross, and probably would be condemned by health department or declared federal disaster area...tips that have helped me...

it gets overwhelming to focus on whole house, just focus on one room, little tasks each day do something, choose room you would most like to spend time in afterward to make it nice for yourself, then move to next

make plans to invite someone over in future, set a date in your mind, inviting someone forces you to clean up, i am hoping to have a little dinner at my house in the spring, and am working toward getting house in tip top shape by then, plenty of time, no invitations yet, so if need longer, that's okay, but at least i have my goal

something rewarding like clean sheets and blankets in freshly made up bed that you can sleep in afterwards

reward yourself after you do stuff if task isn't rewarding in itself to accomplish, plan what you are gunna do for yourself...clean the bathroom then get to take a bubble bath by candlelight

I listen to upbeat music while working or do something to get myself motivated (i watch under the tuscan sun over and over and when she is renovating her house, I clean some of the room, then relax and watch rest of movie)

sometimes i'm just too depressed and can't do anything at all. it gets overwhelming and that's why my house is in a deplorable state. But lately i've started doing things to change that. little at a time otherwise overwhelming.

as i type this, i am procrastinating. I bought all the stuff to bake cookies over xmas to take to a friend on xmas day...to force myself to clean the kitchen...it is a huge task and that's how i'm gunna spend tonight and xmas eve day. even if i only get the half cleaned with the oven and counter neareast oven and all the dishes done, that's something, and it will enable me to bake the cookies.

if you can't do much, just organize one drawer. sometimes i do something small like that, and get momentum going. if not, and that's all i do, its still something.

I stuff junk mail and paid bills and shredder stuff and anything else like that in laundry basket to deal with later that can be moved outa sight until i can deal with it.

Don't feel bad, come look at my house and you'll think you belong in better homes and gardens! I can chat on line and post in the forums, cause its group therapy for me. Maybe for you too. Don't be so hard on yourself friend! Holidays are just plain hard on us. Absense of sun this time of year makes depression worse often.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

hi blueisgreen just wanted to greet you before i went to work good morning ,,,must go now ,,,hugs ken

[xn728]

hi there blueisgreen ,ive done work now ,ive got some housework to do frans a little tired ,then well get the turkey ready together
i just wanted you to know ill be thinking about you ,,stay safe my freind if we all fight together we will prevail ,look forward to chatting soon
be strong my freind ,,wonderful HUGS BLUEISGREEN ,,,ken

[xn728]

hi blueisgreen how are you ,,take care my frend
goodnight love and hugs ,,,,my dear freind ,,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Thanks everyone!
I still can't get motivated.
I'm hoping one of these days I'll just snap out of it.
I wake up with good intentions but then I just can't make anything happen.
I did go shopping with my daughter yesterday, and that was nice, plus it wasn't too crowded - I think everybody is broke and done with their shopping.
I also am planning to make cookies today, but we'll see if I get to it.
Often I plan that stuff but it doesn't happen.
Yes I will try one little goal at a time - I am aware of that tactic but
I am still able to ignore the best laid plans.
By the time some of you read this, it will be Christmas, so,
MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! I hope all of you have a good celebration.
Thank you for understanding and trying to help me.
Best wishes.

[xn728]

MERRY XMAS BLUEISGREEN I FEEL BETTER FOR HEARING YOU
just take it easy ,we all feel this way ,,thinking of you hugs ,,,ken

[xn728]

BLESS YOU THIS MORNING BLUEISGREEN MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU
HUGS ,,,,KEN

[xn728]

hey there my dear freind ,how are you feeling ,i hope you have been able to enjoy today ,ive prayed that all my dear freinds have been ok ,,,
im very tired ill be having an early night tonight ,,,hugs to you blueisgreen
wishes ,,,ken

[xn728]

one day down blueisgreen just a few to go ,hope your doing ok ,,im sure you will feel better as the holiday moves on ,,,,,hope your feeling ok
big hugs ,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

I hope you had a good Christmas.
Mine was ok. Not the best and not the worst.
Glad it's over with all the pressure and weirdness.
On Christmas eve I baked cookies and cleaned
my kitchen floor, and washed my sheets, so that really feels good.
Now I just want this year to be over so that the new year can bring
new opportunities and new adventures.
I am so over 2009!