abuse and suicidal thoughts. (new user)
Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:25 am
i wanted to share with someone how i was feeling, but not just anyone. it couldnt be anyone too close to me, or too random but someone i know will understand an not try an tell me the whole, "il be fine" coz thats really starting to annoy me!!
i fell so helpless, i jus cut yself for the first time in two years. i want to die but at the same time, i dont want to leave mum to deal with this by herself. i know i hav lots to be happy for but the bad stuff is cancelling it out. i wish i could talk to someone instead of writing on this stupid thing. i cant talk to a complete randon like a couneller but i also cant speak to anyone close to me. i feel like im in a bit of a limbo. tom would get upset, mum would too and a counceller wouldnt understand. i feel numb with the pain that im feeling everyday, not one day goes by at the moment that i actually feel happy. i can normally fake a smile well but these last couple days since theresa died an dad wont drop the wedding thing, i jus cant forget. i think im gonna cut again soo. i get this excited, adreneline feeling in my chest an my heart flutters, almost like wen i see someone a fancy. its like butterflies. an wen iv cut, it can be deep or just surface bleeding but it doesnt matter. it feels good to see the blood dripping down my arm, i feel it like a worm, slithering down. wen that feeling stops, thats normally wen i cut again.
ths feeling is good, wierd too. i know why iv jus cut but for a couple moments, none of it matters, i feel excillerated, happy, excited an even tho i know shouldnt, proud.
I suppose all this started when i was about 8, i cant remember the exact age, i guess iv tried to block it out. I was raped buy my step grandad an my grandma knew about it but did nothing. now im getting married an recently told my dad none of his family would be coming. obviously he is very upset but i cant tell him the reason. it happened to him when he was little by the same person and and hes been in an out of physciatric wards for the last 6 years but is gradually getting better so i dont want to tell him it happened to me, only to make him worse. i jus want him to understand an not keep bringing it up. he really wants them there. he only recently started talkin to his family, he is a jehovahs witness so they hav to forgive. (apparently) an he now seems to hav forgotten what they did to him! i havnt forgotten an i will never forgive. i hate them and they dont deserve his love or him defending them.
i fell so helpless, i jus cut yself for the first time in two years. i want to die but at the same time, i dont want to leave mum to deal with this by herself. i know i hav lots to be happy for but the bad stuff is cancelling it out. i wish i could talk to someone instead of writing on this stupid thing. i cant talk to a complete randon like a couneller but i also cant speak to anyone close to me. i feel like im in a bit of a limbo. tom would get upset, mum would too and a counceller wouldnt understand. i feel numb with the pain that im feeling everyday, not one day goes by at the moment that i actually feel happy. i can normally fake a smile well but these last couple days since theresa died an dad wont drop the wedding thing, i jus cant forget. i think im gonna cut again soo. i get this excited, adreneline feeling in my chest an my heart flutters, almost like wen i see someone a fancy. its like butterflies. an wen iv cut, it can be deep or just surface bleeding but it doesnt matter. it feels good to see the blood dripping down my arm, i feel it like a worm, slithering down. wen that feeling stops, thats normally wen i cut again.
ths feeling is good, wierd too. i know why iv jus cut but for a couple moments, none of it matters, i feel excillerated, happy, excited an even tho i know shouldnt, proud.
I suppose all this started when i was about 8, i cant remember the exact age, i guess iv tried to block it out. I was raped buy my step grandad an my grandma knew about it but did nothing. now im getting married an recently told my dad none of his family would be coming. obviously he is very upset but i cant tell him the reason. it happened to him when he was little by the same person and and hes been in an out of physciatric wards for the last 6 years but is gradually getting better so i dont want to tell him it happened to me, only to make him worse. i jus want him to understand an not keep bringing it up. he really wants them there. he only recently started talkin to his family, he is a jehovahs witness so they hav to forgive. (apparently) an he now seems to hav forgotten what they did to him! i havnt forgotten an i will never forgive. i hate them and they dont deserve his love or him defending them.