Depression Understood Forums

i wanted to share with someone how i was feeling, but not just anyone. it couldnt be anyone too close to me, or too random but someone i know will understand an not try an tell me the whole, "il be fine" coz thats really starting to annoy me!!
i fell so helpless, i jus cut yself for the first time in two years. i want to die but at the same time, i dont want to leave mum to deal with this by herself. i know i hav lots to be happy for but the bad stuff is cancelling it out. i wish i could talk to someone instead of writing on this stupid thing. i cant talk to a complete randon like a couneller but i also cant speak to anyone close to me. i feel like im in a bit of a limbo. tom would get upset, mum would too and a counceller wouldnt understand. i feel numb with the pain that im feeling everyday, not one day goes by at the moment that i actually feel happy. i can normally fake a smile well but these last couple days since theresa died an dad wont drop the wedding thing, i jus cant forget. i think im gonna cut again soo. i get this excited, adreneline feeling in my chest an my heart flutters, almost like wen i see someone a fancy. its like butterflies. an wen iv cut, it can be deep or just surface bleeding but it doesnt matter. it feels good to see the blood dripping down my arm, i feel it like a worm, slithering down. wen that feeling stops, thats normally wen i cut again.
ths feeling is good, wierd too. i know why iv jus cut but for a couple moments, none of it matters, i feel excillerated, happy, excited an even tho i know shouldnt, proud.
I suppose all this started when i was about 8, i cant remember the exact age, i guess iv tried to block it out. I was raped buy my step grandad an my grandma knew about it but did nothing. now im getting married an recently told my dad none of his family would be coming. obviously he is very upset but i cant tell him the reason. it happened to him when he was little by the same person and and hes been in an out of physciatric wards for the last 6 years but is gradually getting better so i dont want to tell him it happened to me, only to make him worse. i jus want him to understand an not keep bringing it up. he really wants them there. he only recently started talkin to his family, he is a jehovahs witness so they hav to forgive. (apparently) an he now seems to hav forgotten what they did to him! i havnt forgotten an i will never forgive. i hate them and they dont deserve his love or him defending them.

Wecome to the site!

One therapist suggested to me a less noxious form of self harm is putting ice to your skin, which gives you the same sense of hurting yourself a little but does no harm. Could you do something else instead of cutting?

There is a direct correlation between those of us who have been abused and mental illness. Prisons and mental institutions are full of us...some just suffer mental illness from birth or no apparent reason, but some do have a trauma in the past that causes the mental illness. You are not alone.

I understand why you wouldn't want to upset your father with the information given he's on the mend and has forgiven. Bottom line, its your wedding so you decide whom to invite. Course it complicates things if he is paying for it, but its your day and you decide whom you want to share it with. That's my two cents, for whatever its worth.

Again, welcome to the site and wishing you a little light in your day...

hiya sam, welcome to this website,i'm really sorry things have got so bad for you, i hope it will help you to write things and make friends here,i've found everyone to be really helpful and kind

I really can't blame you for being so angry with your dad's family and not wanting them at your wedding, i don't think rape is something that can be forgotten or forgiven. but if you can't let your anger out it's gonna carry on eating away at you and making you turn everything on yourself with your self-harm. i know you're not that keen on counselling but maybe you could look around on the internet to see if there's anyone in your area who specialises in treating abuse issues who would understand. also, i know where i live (brighton, england) there's a support group specifically for women who have been thru sexual abuse, maybe there would be something similar near you? i go to a drop-in group for women with mental health problems and have made some good friends who are going through similar stuff and the workers are really good but it's quite a relaxed, informal atmosphere (free tea and biscuits too!) maybe a group is the way forward for you if you don't like the idea of counselling

I used to self-harm when i was a teenager and also have a long history of anorexia and bulimia which for me was another way to hurt and punish myself. i know you say you get relief from it but i don't like to think of you hurting yourself when you've already gone thru so much s***, shattered hopes's idea of melting ice on yourself (especially on the wrists) is a good one,that's what someone taught me, it really stings but it's not damaging you. also wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it against your skin when you feel the self-harm feelings, i wear one all the time (i get through a lot of rubber bands..) other tips i've heard for avoiding self harm are writing all your feelings out (put it on here if you want,its what we're here for) or drawing on your arms in red pen or doing really violent artwork (red and blank paint etc, cut into the paper and stuff)

as someone close to you has just died i can't blame you for so awful at the moment, if you want to talk more about what happened and who she is then feel free but i totally understand if you don't want to talk about it

lastly, congrats on getting married, i'm glad you've got something good in your life to look forward to and hope your bloke is a good man who's helping support you!!

bye for now

Lisa