Depression Understood Forums

I have so much emotion. It?s not an emptiness. Maybe a vacuum. Like all my emotions are vacuumed inside of me with such an intense gravitational force that it pulls me inside with them. But it?s hard to hold them in, my eyes, my throat, my heart, they ache, they choke with resistance, ready to for a release. Reading a book is the absolute only thing I can do when I get this way. It just helps me escape inside someone else?s reality. I don?t know what to do with this feeling. It?s a familiar one, I?ve conquered it before, but for some reason whenever it comes back I forget how I won the previous battle. I don?t know why there is so much emotion inside of me. What is wrong? Nothing and everything. If asked what is wrong I could find excuses, my mom is in terrible pain, I feel guilty for not seeing her as often as I should, I?m a bitch lately, I?m losing my friends, although I don?t actually like any of them all that much anymore. I have no patience, I?m short tempered. I don?t get along with my father like I?d like to, he listens, but he never actually hears me. I feel so incredibly alone. I feel like I need a boy to make me feel complete again, which I know is untrue and I hate that I feel that way. I don?t know how to connect with God anymore on a one on one basis, despite the fact that I?ve done my best to turn away from sin, although not from sinful thoughts. Jealousy is polluting me, making me into someone that I don?t like being. I?m a hypocrite through and through. I need a pep talk from myself, I need to change my attitude, but it?s almost easier fighting the daily battles than fighting the entire war. I literally do not have the energy to pick myself up and push forward.
This isn?t how I?m going to live my life though. I refuse to waste it. You?d think that me of all people would at least realize the true preciousness of the gift of life. You must live life to it?s absolute fullest or it?s not worth living at all. I know all of this, we?ve all heard it a thousand times, but for some reason it?s so much harder to do it. To push past all the bullshit and just do it. I just read a very inspiring book, it was from a dog?s perspective, it sounds stupid, but a lot of it really hit home with me. The dog is saying how terrible it is that humans must constantly analyze every situation and often deny themselves of their instinctive wants due to societal and cultural demands for us to be courteous of others. Not that we shouldn?t love our friends and family and put their needs before our own at times, but let?s be honest. How many times have you not gone after something that you really wanted, because its not ?the right thing to do?. I?ve really been struggling with that lately. I just want to say a big f*** you to the world and do what I want, regardless of who it hurts. I know that?s terribly selfish and evil, but its how I feel. If I want to flirt with a guy even though I know my friend likes him, I want to just do it. If I want to cuss someone out then and there regardless of the situation, I want to just do it. If I want to kiss someone, I want to just do it. I know it?s stupid. Thankfully I rarely act on these impulses, but it really does suck having to constantly restrain yourself.
Anyways, back to my pep talk. I just need to BELIEVE in myself. I?m wallowing. In all honesty if I wanted it bad enough I could get out of this funk, but usually I have to hit rock bottom before bouncing back up. I?ve had enough of that bullshit though, I?m not letting my life slip by. Half of my summer is gone and while I?ve had a good time I haven?t really enjoyed it. I want to feel ALIVE again. I want to feel the energy pumping through me. I?m going to feel it. I?m done. Starting tomorrow, I?m going to push all this remaining energy and really break through. No more sitting around wishing and waiting. My thoughts have to change, positive ones only. That?s always been a challenge for me. I have hard time accepting who I am at times. While I may be a realist, it doesn?t mean have to be a pessimist, and it doesn?t make me any less of a person just because I?m not Miss Sunshine 24/7 all the damn time. Surprisingly I haven?t cried while typing this, I thought I would, but I can?t seem to release it at the moment. I?m tired of crying alone, I need to man up, talk to my dad. I just hate being a burden. Another sad story to worry about. I want to wake up tomorrow with a kick ass attitude, put on some music, hit the gym, think happy thoughts. I want to SMILE, a big grin. Around my friends it?s mostly okay, but around my family it?s like I literally can?t do it. I don?t know why. I love them more than anything, but it takes real genuine effort to smile and laugh. It?s almost like I?m afraid to show any emotion at all because if I do they?ll see me and everything that I try to hide. Dear God, please fix me, please, please, please. Amen.
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I think it's interesting the way you have obvious religious beliefs but also wish you could act without social restraints like animals. (Although many animals do have social constraints too.) I'm religious too. I like to think philosophically and this whole animal/human behavior thing always interests me.

The Bible was written by people very familiar with animals as well as humans, so I'm sure they considered some of these conflicting emotions and desires, and they did have a lot of suffering at times, so there's understanding to be found in many of those writings if you look deep.

God set things up like this knowing the conflicts that would happen, and I think it's obvious we are supposed to have some problems in life, in fact life is a struggle. But also there are some good solutions provided, for example I think marriage is a great solution and it has made me very happy, so that it took a lot bigger problem to make me depressed than otherwise and we face things together.

And I have experience of strange things happening when I just couldn't take anymore and was at my wit's end--suddenly a surprising way of helping me out. I believe God will let us struggle some and not make life super-easy, but throw us help when we absolutely need it.

I think many mainstream religious messages don't do justice to the complexity of what God set up and the implications of it all. It's pretty crazy, but also amazing. Sorry to ramble on. I hope you feel better and that your contemplations lead you to some positive reflections too.

Hey, Thanks for your insight. It makes me feel better that you said that about marriage, 1, because my dad is about to get remarried and he's kinda stressing about it, but you really are right and thats what I've been trying to tell him, it'll make things easier on him, not harder. 2, I dated a guy for 2 years and I really do enjoy being in a relationship. I enjoy supporting someone and having them to help me through the tough times. In that particular relationship I leaned on him too much, but I've learned alot because of that. Nowadays people don't realize that marriage is an actual gift from God meant to make us happy, and its all about being single. I'm only 18 but I can't help but always wanting a relationship, I don't enjoy being single for the most part. I completely agree with you also about the complexity of the bible and God...churches just skim the top of it for the most part, they don't give enough credit to the thought and complexity of it all. Then again I guess if they did it would raise even more questions and get people all riled up haha. I love the philosophical aspect of it all. In fact I'm trying to figure out what I want to study in college and I really think philosophy is interesting like aristotle and all of that and just thinking about life in general, but I dont know what you could do with that as a job? Anyways..thanks for your reply!
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You're welcome, I really appreciated reading your story and thoughts. The media has a lot of messages against marriage but I agree with you, it's a gift; a solution not a problem like they try to make it.

But I shouldn't advise anyone about majors and jobs--I'm too impractical! I know that philosophy is studied in theological training for pastors and humanities for professors, not sure what else. Probably not the hottest job field by a long shot. But interesting to study, definitely! I guess I never had a college course about philosophy, too bad.

Stronger,

I like the name that you use here. You are a strong woman.

Found the discussion between you and redux interesting. I have often said that it may be 3:23 now and I believe in a God. Thought at 3:24 I might have changed my mind. Very much of a conundrum for me.

I would argue up and down, that there was no way that I was spiritual, in any way, shape or form. They I got to the point that, in my mind, I could separate spirituality and religion. Very important step for me. I had spent most of my life in a very fundamentalist type religion. There are some that call it a cult. After all those years being a member and then looking from the outside, in, I understand that any religion, that encourages you to leave your brain at the door, isn't what I want.

Now I appreciate the sunshine,music,my friends and family,nature, singing just loving the people that are around me. For me, I realize that those are the true gifts from God.

I find it quite heartening the number of posts tot he forum, that say in some shape or form, that 1. How they have won previous battles
2.That they refuse to waste their life, they won't let the depression win.

To end off this missive, I just want to say that I have a friend who goes over and over things. I tell her that there is a reason for the statement "Of analyzing things to death". I agree it is sometimes best just to let things go, and they will happen the way that they happen.

Today, I believe in God. I hope s/he listens to your prayer. Don't mean to offend anyone but I do believe that God has what we think of as, both feminine and masculine qualities. Just ignore the second sentence of this paragraph if you don't share my view.

Thanks for postings stronger. You have given me several things to think about on my own. If something is strong enough to believe it I think that it is able to overcome scrutiny. Hence the statement that I don't want to be a part of a religion, where you park your brains at the door.

It's actually one of the things I like about this forum, that there isn't so much anti-religious sentiment. Many places on the Net these days any faith belief is attacked, because atheism is becoming trendy. The attackers always say that religious people are stupid. But the reality is that most of them are simply followers too, not original thinkers.

Monty, I don't like checking brains at the door either. But there are a lot of good things about fundamentalists too.

One advantage we have as people who are not rich, powerful, and ultra confident is that we do have opportunity and motivation to reflect on life.

I would never make a blanket statement about any religion. It was not my intention to put all fundamentalist churches under one umbrella. Whatever works for a person, I have not problem with that. I also appreciate it when my thoughts are respected. I have not had any problem with that here, every.

My mother's religion does not encourage any free thought. For her, it didn't work, that has made her life much more difficult that it should have been.

I sincerely believe that, as we age, spirituality becomes bigger and bigger in our lives... I was never an atheist, but my belief in God has grown tremendously as I've gotten older. I greatly depend on my belief in heaven and God to get me through my loneliest and darkest times. My faith has saved my life.

I also firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and their beliefs, and each and every belief deserves to be respected and heard.

I went through a long period of athiesm.

I found it a very difficult time. Think part of it is because, if you have faith:you know that you aren't alone,There is somone out there looking out for you. Human people in your life can be fickle. I think it is true that you say "You are a beloved one of God"

May sounds a little preachy. I hesitated on replying back to this one at all. Figured that you all had the chance to hit that delete bottom

Most importantly you do have hope. Those that don't sometimes just curl up in a ball and say game over.

Take care

Not preachy to me, Monty - just true. I'm telling you that there are times when it is only my faith that gets me through... some stories for another time...