I exist in cycles

[_Twigs]

If you look closely enough at my life, my mind, you’ll find that I exist in endless cycles. They leave me empty, time after time after time. I don’t know what to do with them and I feel stuck, slowly being pulled deeper and it honestly scares me a bit.

I have a constant need to preform, to be the best at everything I do. But at the same time, I feel hated for being too good at something, that I don’t deserve to be good at anything. Like I haven’t earned it.

I think I might have some social anxiety. I keep making plans with people, but then going down these rabbit holes of why I shouldn’t go just an hour before and then cancelling on them all of a sudden. Just being around people keeps causing me stress, but I feel so lonely all the time. I want to be around people if it makes me feel less lonely, but being around people keeps stressing me out,

I want myself to suffer, to ruin the things that are going well for me, but the things that are going well for me is what everyone expects. I feel a need to meet expectation, seeking approval constantly.

I found, that talking, even just a tiny bit, to my friends can help a tiny bit. But at the same time, I hate myself and feel guilty for ever having said something, like my words were a burden.

Everyone always says that results aren’t your worth, and I try to follow that, but I don’t know who I am without my results, without being good at things.

I get so tired of trying sometimes, so tired of being everything everyone wants me to be, but I’m afraid of being a burden.

Sometimes, I want to die, but I’m scared of hurting people.

People caring about me keeps me here in a lot of ways, but I don’t think I deserve their care. I have done nothing to earn it.

I’m just feeling lost and stuck and I’m not really sure what to do.