Tired of fighting with myself

[Afraid]

My whole life has been filled with this pain inside of me. Like everyone and thing takes a shot at my heart. With words, weapons, abandonment, abuse, all of the above. If you’ve thought I’ve probably experienced it. My dad was addicted to alcohol and drugs, and so my mom left him when I was 2. I would go see him some weekends and truly I loved him despite the flaws. Then one day I didn’t see him anymore. I thought it was me growing up but recently he died. And I’ve learned things I wish would’ve went to the grave with him. Like he was first to discover my stepdad was sexually abusing me. He apparently argued with my mother about it and let her take me away. He didn’t even fight. I thought it was me and in a way I was right it was me. My whole childhood I waited on him to save me and he didn’t. Nobody saved me except me. My own mother told me I was lying about my stepdad, slapped me so hard into the door of her car I didn’t wake up until the next day. I fought my whole life for her to find me worthy. I protected my sister from that man. Not her me. She didn’t have to have her go sleep on the trampoline while she worked so he’d leave her alone. Or have to give a piece of her soul so she could eat or so she could watch tv. I protected her and she still takes credit. She still feeds that she tried to protect us. She should’ve left him like she did my dad. And no matter how hard I tried to protect her I still failed. She had to see things she shouldn’t have. She had to watch me get dragged by my hair into a shed, bathe me because I couldn’t move, watch him sneak in our room in the middle of the night. But I was a kid to. I was 6 that first time, how could I protect her from everything. Yet I still feel like I failed. And maybe I did. I’m 20 now and I’m still fighting. I left home when I was 16 and my sister called me selfish and told me I abandoned her. But I did it for her, bc when I left he did to a week later. I did it. I got him out, her hope. But she never saw it that way and that’s a piece of me I’ll never get back. I’m so tired of rebuilding my heart. All I want is to be happy but I never will be. My mom after I left started using drugs and somehow I blame myself for that to. I can’t even look at her without wanting to puke. And everyone keeps telling me to pray about it and to have faith. I’m trying oh man am I trying. But all I keep hearing is forgive but how can I forgive them? I was a kid, they were the adults yet they all let that man take everything from me. He took everything! Nobody helped me and yet they all have something to say about how I should’ve handled it. How I shouldn’t have left. That I gave up. How can I forgive them when I can’t even forgive myself? I hate everything about me. I hate everyone. And everyone wants to tell me which medicines I should try, or that I shouldn’t take anything and nothing is wrong, try this don’t try that. And maybe I just need the world to stop. Maybe 20 years is long enough. I survived all this time and I’m tired. And NOBODY.. nobody, has been punished for anything they’ve done but me. I’m the one who doesn’t sleep at night, who paces back and forth, whos going insane bc no medicine is working, who is broken and can’t fix it this time no matter how hard I try. Nobody but me. I’m alone. Everyone says they’re here for me but they don’t get it and they all want to give me advice but I don’t want it I just can’t do it anymore. And honestly I don’t even know who I am without all the hurt. I don’t remember who I was before. I was young but I still was someone before this. And idk what I did in a life to deserve this life. Why me? Why can’t anyone stay by my side for once. Why can’t anyone tell me they’re proud of how strong I am. Why? I’m tired of the battle in my mind, I’m just tired in general