Why do I even work?
Posted: Mon Jan 27, 2020 5:56 pm
Why do I go to work every day ??? Y ??? What does it matter if I have roof over my head, my credit score, food to eat? Honestly, idky anymore. If it'd stop going to work, I'd b closer to dying bc I'd have no funds. I'd b homeless, right ? Bet id b able to find heroin then to OD bc now I can't get my hands on it. I read the overdoses don't hurt.
I don't care anymore. I was a drinker, but had to stop July 2018 due to the fact that I was getting as big as a house n my drunk behavior was getting out like completely out of control. So about August 2018 I started to smoke weed on n off and oh my gosh, it helps the lonliness Soo much. I Kno I need to quit bc work is odds r gonna start implementing the random drug tests bc there's been a huge change in management, but I can't, I just can't sit here alone every single day sober !!!!!!!!!! I can't do it. And GOD didn't help at all.
I've done all that stuff. Doesn't work. I'm right back to where I am. I just want to die. Honestly, I've asked begged the Devil to kill me since God won't n I'm still alive??? If the Devil would just take my fear of pain away, I'd b able to do it n deal w God later. If he doesn't want me, that's fine, it'd b no different than the rest of life. Idk how much longer I can hold on to the fear of going to hell or and not trying to find the heroin to OD. I've been dealing w this for most of my life, 13-14 years??? Like I'm done. I'm too screwed up to fix. Just do the world favor n let me not wake up, I don't care why I don't, or let me die in an accident tomorrow morning when no ones on the road bc it's 430am. I pray everyday that it'll b last. I just really really want to die.
I don't care anymore. I was a drinker, but had to stop July 2018 due to the fact that I was getting as big as a house n my drunk behavior was getting out like completely out of control. So about August 2018 I started to smoke weed on n off and oh my gosh, it helps the lonliness Soo much. I Kno I need to quit bc work is odds r gonna start implementing the random drug tests bc there's been a huge change in management, but I can't, I just can't sit here alone every single day sober !!!!!!!!!! I can't do it. And GOD didn't help at all.
I've done all that stuff. Doesn't work. I'm right back to where I am. I just want to die. Honestly, I've asked begged the Devil to kill me since God won't n I'm still alive??? If the Devil would just take my fear of pain away, I'd b able to do it n deal w God later. If he doesn't want me, that's fine, it'd b no different than the rest of life. Idk how much longer I can hold on to the fear of going to hell or and not trying to find the heroin to OD. I've been dealing w this for most of my life, 13-14 years??? Like I'm done. I'm too screwed up to fix. Just do the world favor n let me not wake up, I don't care why I don't, or let me die in an accident tomorrow morning when no ones on the road bc it's 430am. I pray everyday that it'll b last. I just really really want to die.