Back here again and hoping this is the last time but not knowing which is better...

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

DreadTheBread
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Dec 17, 2019 10:14 pm

Back here again and hoping this is the last time but not knowing which is better...

Postby DreadTheBread » Tue Dec 17, 2019 10:36 pm

Hi
I've battled with depression for a number of years and got diagnosed officially with BPD a few years ago. I've had a really shit evening and I've spiralled. Not sure why I'm posting and am struggling with the urge to delete this as I write.
I wrote this tonight as a way of getting the words out of my head. I guess why I'm posting is just so someone can read this so I don't feel quite so alone.
Sorry if this post goes against any guidelines or rules. I did read them carefully and didn't see any that would rule out what I said.

WARNING: Depression post with elements of suicidality self harm and coarse but not graphic language.
Context: I Have an upcoming court case surrounding being found with more cannabis than is accepted by law as personal use which the outcome is likely to be a suspended sentence on the worst end of the scale. I got caught 2 years ago and haven't smoked a single joint since.

So here it is. I'm suicidal as f*** again. Got my first date with death planned for 2 odd years. 2 years of me f****** with more people's heads. I never make it easy on anyone. This deluded self centred f*** wit just loves tangling everything up in one giant f****** knot so every cord I cut causes shock waves. (Approaching but still distant date) seems fitting. I want to see the sea again. (Seaside town) seems fitting too. Its where I think most of the shit had the potential to go right before I was too f***** in the head to know the difference.
Partner is going to be f***** up by this. Her daughter too. I don't think there's a way to do it this time without them getting f***** up. I truly believe that staying here is going to be worse in the long run for them. I really do love them both. In my own weird f***** up way. I have really tried with them. At least I can say that and know it's the truth. Dark days in (Seaside town) me would at least be proud of that. I'm also healthier physically or at least not anorexic now and I completed my therapy.
I noticed something this eve. Cats make me cry in relationship breakdowns more than humans do. Ruby did with me and (ex wife) . Dotty did this eve.
I'm tempted to throw my court case. Swear at the judge, say I'm not sorry and say I'll reoffend. Potentially do something stupid and criminal to ensure I get a custodial sentence. At least that way I can bad mouth some ass hole in jail and get stabbed up or beaten to death. Instead of the weight of my death hanging like a mill stone around my partners neck.
All started over my mouth again tonight. Trying to get her to do something nice for herself and when she wouldn't I didn't let if slide. She's right. I'm an unapproachable belligerent controlling f*** bag but won't let her do anything to help me. So why should she?
I just hope that her next relationship actually gives her what she needs. I hope she doesn't rush for her own sake. Finds someone that can do what I've been failing to do and guide her on how to help herself. She really deserves to have a good life and be happy. I just wish I'd either been able to do that or not ever crossed her path.
The state of any older friendships seem a testament to me of what kind of person I am. Wherever I go I cause conflict, wherever I go I leech everything I can get and then discard people like trash. No wonder people only like me when they first meet me. Isn't that what narcissists do? Charm everyone to make bargaining easier then discard when no longer useful.
Writing this has been strangely cathartic it's made me feel calmer. Punched myself at the low points earlier. Spent so long struggling not to and did it anyway. Shows how much actual willpower I have. Better than burning myself I guess but still not good. I hope I haven't got any marks. Don't want my partner to worry more than she will be all ready.
I think I'm going to spend the rest of the night sleeping down here on the sofa. Set an alarm so I can wake up and get into bed before the kid wakes up. I just can't bear the thought of sleeping in a bed with my partner when we're not together again. It wouldn't do to let on to the little one that we're not together over Christmas though.
Been thinking about Dad a lot again recently. I hope if he had died someone would tell me but wouldn't be too shocked if no one did. I really wish I could have made things work here. Give the kid a Dad and my girlfriend a husband. Trouble is I never had a good example of either and am awful at improv.
Really tempted to finish the rum in the cupboard. So far I am making do with a beer. The weed craving is strong right now too. Maybe that's what I should do! Turn up to court stinking of weed with a bag of it in my pocket!
Thing is though like she so astutely put the other night. I make these plans and never go through with them. I could name 2 dozen dreams I've had that have never turned into anything. Never got really pushed towards. 30s not a bad age to go I guess. All things considered I am shocked I've lasted this long. When I saw my friend with BPD and asked how she was recently. She replied still here which is impressive for people like us. I'll let her win this record I think.
I'm TIRED. Tired of fighting in every miniscule corner of my life. Tired of second guessing,  justifying and regretting every decision. Tired of fighting these urges to burn everything to the ground, engage in physical violence whether it be aimed internally or externally. Tired of watching every single thing I love turn against me and end up damaged. Maybe that's why the cats make me cry,, because they don't stop loving me no matter how much of an ass hole I am.
Anyway enough of this masturbatory, bullshit rant to the ether. I'm gonna stick some sad music on. Dwell in my own self constructed suffering so hopefully tomorrow my mask will fit well and won't slip. Merry Xmas me! I'm a twat!

travel2020
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 18, 2020 7:11 pm

Re: Back here again and hoping this is the last time but not knowing which is better...

Postby travel2020 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 7:35 pm

ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION!! Both extremely debilitating ailments.

27 plus years taking prescription drugs for anxiety and depression - NO MORE!! STOPPED drugs back in November 2019.

I started using a Full Spectrum Hemp Oil on 10 December, 2019 - a couple of drops under my tongue daily.

I'm 67 years young. I am sleeping like a baby. Waking up refreshed and revitalized every morning! I have all my youthful OOMPH back!! Definitely not depressed!!

I can only attribute my new 2020 self to my daily hemp oil usage!

Like more info? Email: [email protected]


Return to “Expressions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 224 guests