Just a vent.

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:05 pm

Just a vent.

Postby Madnessium » Sun Aug 18, 2019 5:35 pm

I'm not really used to talking to anyone seriously about anything that goes wrong, or anything that is wrong with me at any time, at best I'll joke about it and at worst I'll just pretend like there's nothing to even be discussed. Opening up about shit hasn't ever really been my thing- especially if it's irl or directly speaking with a person. makes me feel sick even thinking about doing it. But I think I've come to a point where it's just getting to be too much and in order to not self implode or whatever the f*** I gotta vent somewhere- To my future self's dismay.
I've been struggling with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety as well as a variety of not-really-actual-diagnoses type issues for pretty much as long as I can remember, I believe it all started around 5th/6th grade but I can't pinpoint exactly when. For the most part I've done okay, I had a few very low-lows over the course of a few years. and with the help of a plethora of triggering events a few times where I'd at least considered offing myself. I'm at a point right now where I'd be considered 'high functioning' I guess, because I've gotten good at shoving all my bullshit to a little pit inside of myself when it starts to get in the way too much, and hiding exterior symptoms, but as you can imagine that only works so well for so long.
I've never been on meds because of some familial obstacles, and I may be going on them soon but it depends on how much of a shitstorm said familial obstacle creates when I try to. Just some context I guess- aside from a few therapists over the years it's kinda just been me battling against some annoyingly persistent brain chemical imbalances.

Generally, I guess I'm just sick of everything. I have dreams and aspirations, I have shit I want to do and things I want to see and I've been trying so f****** hard to keep going steadily and function well enough to do everything right so I don't have any room to sink into failure or doubt but it's f****** exhausting. I can't help but wonder how long I'll last before I f*** everything up, or lose sleep imagining all the things that could happen that would destroy my entire gameplan. I'm stressed and high-strung almost every second of the day or I'm barely able to get out of bed or move, there's rarely an in between, and I honestly can't afford to let my guard down or catch some sort of break because if I do whatever fragile resemblance of freedom and safety I have now will burst into flames, and best case scenario I'll be in a mental ward for a year and have to make up for all the progress towards success I was unable to make when I get out. Home is like walking on eggshells or a minefield and school is like a rigorous game of trying to function like everyone else and be the best you possibly can while trying to convince everyone around you that you aren't feeling like you're about to fall apart at any moment like some pathetic charity case. I'm sick of it. I just want to be f****** normal, I don't want to feel like I'm never good enough or like every move I make has the potential to cause some f****** disaster in my life, I don't want to be held back by some stupid irrational emotional crap that keeps coming back no matter how I try to cope with it. It's infuriating.
I know I sound like I'm catastrophizing or overgeneralizing or some shit, and I don't doubt that in some cases I am, but in the cases where I'm not, I don't know if there's any way else to view it. I'd rather not go into detail on the situations I'm currently dealing with just because this crap is already way too long and ranty, but I do have reasons for feeling like every small mistake could set some kind of bomb off.. I wish I didn't, at least them I can say I'm just pulling this shit out of my ass and it really is just all in my head, but in a lot of ways it just isn't. The shit in my head just happens to make the shit going on have a worse effect on me.

So yeah- I guess that's it. Idk what exactly the point of all this was- I guess again just to vent without worrying about some kind of real consequence, it's not like I'm 'giving up' or anything.. I don't really have that option to start with. So, for anyone who stuck through reading this mess I guess thanks, please don't bother replying lol, and sorry for using up your time with it. I hope you have a genuinely good/decent day, and that my stupid shit didn't make anything you're struggling with feel worse or more hopeless. I know very well even hopeless situations will someday blow over, and things will eventually be okay, as long as we can make it through the worst bits; and I'd like to imagine the okay bits are worth that much.

Posts: 44
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Just a vent.

Postby athena.vhd » Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:26 am

hello Madnessium welcome here!
i neighter do not like to talk with my family and friends about depression and anxiety it seems to me that they make evrything worse(of course its my situation not no one elses)
but u can find friends cuz i find it so useful to talk with ppl who are almost healed and it workes for me.
this is the best place to find some.
BTW thanks for sharing ur story with us and it wasnt a wast of time i just feel u when i read it again it reminds me what i am.
hope u get better soon.
continue fighting with it im extremely curious to know how u deal with it.

Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Just a vent.

Postby Spleefy » Mon Aug 19, 2019 8:41 am

Hi Madnessium,

Thank you for sharing this. It was definitely not "stupid" as you put it. If you feel like you need to vent, then go for it. You are justified to express how you feel and to get stuff off your chest any time you feel like it.

I can identify with some of the things you said--namely the perpetual struggles, day in, day out. I can remember, when I had depression, thinking to myself: "will this ever end?" I just wanted to function like a "normal" person: to work, to laugh, and to have fun.

I used to be highly ambitious, but depression and anxiety always paralyzed me. It was exceedingly frustrating! Worst of all, I couldn't understand why I felt so depressed all the time--why I couldn't function like the average person. It was not only perplexing but depressing in and of itself.

Feel free to get stuff off your chest, any time. We will listen.

Take care.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

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