IDK what to do anymore

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:49 pm

IDK what to do anymore

Postby Bryce2323 » Fri Sep 21, 2018 7:27 pm

No matter what I do I can't win. I have problems with changes to plans and got a upset when my girlfriend had an idea to change our weekend plans on my way home Friday. We have been in arguments before and each one is the same I get her mad and then I try to calm down and calm her down. I cannot she keeps getting madder when I do. I love her and now I am feeling my depression and anxiety are taking over and it is making my realtionship worse. I don't know how to stop my self from freaking out when plans change at the last second. I don't know how to approach arguments where the only thing I can do is say I am sorry for my actions and I need to fix them. But I don't know where to start. I can't get close to her until later but I fear that is too late. I don't know what to do. I don't feel happy at work, the only thing that brings me happiness is seeing her. I want to know if anyone has gone through this and can point me in the right direction on where to go?

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Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2018 2:14 pm

Re: IDK what to do anymore

Postby BillR1965 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:09 am

The thing that comes to mind when I read your post is that you should define clear, reasonable, and mature boundaries. Boundaries are not about controlling the other person. Boundaries are a way of defining what is, and what is not acceptable to you. When there is a boundary cross, you need to hold firm to your boundary and act out your planned action.

Boundaries typically are of the form:
"When you <existing_specific_action>, I feel <specific_emotion>, and I need you to <new_specific_action>. If you do not I will <specific_consequence_action>."

An example could be:
"When you raise your voice in anger to me, I feel very scared, and I need you to share your anger in a calm way. If you do not I will leave and take a 15 minute walk. We can talk further when I return."

Setting boundaries is a scary proposition. You are putting your needs out there, and your needs may not be met. It is your responsibility as an adult to state what your needs are. Furthermore you need to accept without judgment the other persons response to meeting or not meeting your needs. The consequence action is about you parenting your own inner wounded child, and removing them from the harmful situation.

Regarding your freaking out about last minute changes to plans: I would suggest that you look inward and explore that feeling. Where does it manifest in your body? Describe in detail what it feels like to be feeling that emotion. Let go of your thoughts about the situation, they are perpetuating your suffering. Bring yourself into your body, into the present moment and new insight will present itself. Journal about the feeling. Write without editing as you go. Vomit onto the page and get your feelings out. After a page or two insight will come. I have a quote about this:

Thoughts disentangle themselves as they pass through our fingertips. - Dawson Trotman

Good luck. Keep trying. Be well.

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Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2018 7:53 pm

Re: IDK what to do anymore

Postby SirOats » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:42 pm

Hey Bryce2323 letting go is just hard. While an over simplification for sure, learning to let go has been the consistent thing for me in my anxiety journey. Vomiting your thoughts on to a journal is a great idea and well worded. Its like physically taking your anxious thoughts and "letting them go" to the page. Learning to associate my thoughts to my emotional state has done wonders for my moods. And was made possible thru journaling.
As to your relationship, I encourage you to open up about your anxiety with her if you haven't already. You'll be vulnerable for sure, but you'd give her a chance to help--she probably wants that opportunity. Hang in there; the fact that you're seeking out this feedback is smart. Your heart is in the right place.

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