Broken

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Orchaid Lover
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:47 am

Broken

Postby Orchaid Lover » Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:46 pm

So I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for a really long time. I've been to therapy, I've been put on medications, the whole nine yards. And to be honest... I'm tired. I'm just so, so tired of trying to deal with it, handle everything in my life. I feel liked there's this enormous weight, everyone is pressuring to start college, start a career, and just start the rest of my life. And ever since I stopped therapy my mother's told me if I need help to go to another therapist. She wants to fix me, or she thinks that I'm fixed. What if I don't want help? What if I don't want to be fixed though? What if some things get so broken that they can't be fixed? What if I can't be fixed?
Sometimes I think it'd all be easier to just not be here anymore. I'm just so tired of having to try and figure out what the rest of my life is going to be when I'm worried that I'm not even going to make it to my next birthday.
I can't tell my family though. They don't really want to know. They would rather I fake it, fake being okay, fake being healthy. They want me to go about my life like I don't feel empty and hollow inside.
And I just keep wondering, what if some people just aren't cut out for this world? What if we're just not strong enough? What if by the time anyone realizes that there was something wrong it was too late to ever truly help them? I mean, jesus, I had thoughts about running away or committing suicide when I was eight years old and everyone was too wrapped up in their own fantasy worlds to see it. I didn't realize that there was something wrong with me, seriously wrong, until I was 17. What did I know about things like depression? The only reason I noticed was when a friend admitted to me that they had it, they told me because they saw that the same thing was wrong with me that was wrong with them. Everyone else pretending things were great. My parents pretended that my brother wasn't beating me at home and that the other kids and a couple of the teacher were making my school life hell as well. And every time I tried to say something they ignored it, when I tried to mention it to my mother just a few months ago she conveniently forgot about all the times I came crying to her cause the prodigal son tried to kill me. I am the lesser child. The lesser person. And sometimes I wonder if everyone wouldn't be better off if I were dead.
I tried so hard to work through these emotions but it's so hard when the only person who truly believes me when I talk about the hell I've gone through is a seventeen-year-old who's just as messed up and hopeless as I am.
Why is it that the people who are supposed to notice the pain in others, the ones who are meant to help them, why do they seem to cause more pain? Why do they always turn their backs on the ones who need them the most? Why is it that no matter how hard I try to fix myself I only seem to break even more?

What's worse is on paper my life, my childhood, is pretty alright. And I know that there are those who have it worse than me, a lot worse. And they are fine, functioning member of society, genuinely moving forward and creating a happy existence for themselves. I know all that and I feel so guilty for feeling, for thinking, the way I do. Like I'm not worthy enough to be depressed, like I haven't suffered enough and I'm insulting the people who by all accounts have the right to be depressed. I feel like a fake, worthless and unwanted. I feel like the biggest poser in the world.

MiddleChild
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: Broken

Postby MiddleChild » Mon Aug 20, 2018 8:52 pm

Hi Orchaid Lover
I am sorry for what you are going through at a young age.
Your parents seem to be in denial of your suffering and too busy with their own lives that they don’t even bother. And if your brother’s beating you has caused injury, you should consider reporting it to the school or authorities. That is abuse and your parents should be the ones protecting you. If everyone is pressuring you to go to college, start a career and start the rest of your life, this could be your way out. Get a job and move somewhere far from them and start to live a normal life.

JackieJ
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:59 pm

Re: Broken

Postby JackieJ » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:48 pm

I'm so sorry that you feel the way that you do. You sound so hopeless and I want to encourage you. Life can be challenging and it is difficult to face things when we are not supported, especially by family members. I pray that God will bring someone in your life, who is healthy, and who can support and understand you. Are you currently on medication? If not, perhaps it is time to consider going back on medication. Medication may not change are situation, but it helps us feel better able to cope with life and it also helps us respond better to therapy. It may a good idea to consider going back to therapy because it really helps to have someone surrounding you to lean on to give you the support that you don't receive from your family. You don't have to do everything that your family is wanting you to do, but I do suggest that you think about doing something with your life. You are here for a purpose and I pray that you find out what that purpose is.


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