Depression Understood Forums

Hey everybody, I know I haven't posted on here in awhile, but here goes. I just crashed and now I'm really lonely and I'm getting depressed. I haven't started crying or anything cause I know I still have to leave my dorm room to take a shower, so I'm holding back. I'm just kinda listening to random music, skipping the really up-beat and depressing songs. Anyways, I SUCK at relationships. My parents were very restricting my whole life so I'm kind of socially awkward, and on top of that I'm very introverted. College classes are kind of boring me now, and I got laid off from pretty much my perfect job for this time in my life a few weeks ago. I'm trying to find another job but I'm not having much luck.

Anyways, like I said, I suck with relationships. A few months ago I met a very special girl. I didn't think we'd ever hit it off or what not, but we did, immediately. We were friends for the past few months, but after awhile we were really acting like we were pretty much going out. I had been having a hard time with depression and she really seemed to be bringing me out of it. She was there for me and she liked acting in as a therapist and we actually got somewhere with my feelings and emotions.

So we were both happy and everything, but then she wanted to do more. I set my boundaries at sex and anything related, and she agreed with me. Just so you know, she's a very extroverted girl and she's more comfortable around guys than girls. Anyways, so we were hanging out about every day, and we were both loving it. About a week ago we had our first kiss and she went a little farther. The next day I got depressed and I thought it was because of that and us not actually being boyfriend and girlfriend, so I asked her out, and she said yes.

That's when things got bad. I started getting jealous when she flirted with other guys (not really flirting, just flirting motions, but it was always with guys she would never date). But she never seemed to do anything with me. I couldn't figure it out, and I'm not one to go to the source of a problem and try to figure it out. So I just kept to myself, but that brought on a ton of depression. So I was pretty much f*****.

She started getting pissed off at me, and we didn't talk much. Last night we got into a fight and it ended up with us just being friends, but I don't know how long I'll be able to do that. I've tried before and I always want more, and that just causes more pain for everyone. My longest relationship was 2 weeks. I sabotage myself. So I've been trying to be happy all day, but I just crashed, and so here I am. I've been doing individual therapy and group therapy each week, and I'm afraid to take pills. I tried once and they made me sick for 4 days. I don't know what else I can do. Besides the therapy I have a few friends I can go talk to and they do a good job of helping, but they're all busy tonight.

I don't want to see myself right now. I'm losing faith in love and all that. And please, nobody say "There's someone out there for everyone," or "You'll find someone someday." I'm sick of waiting, I hate being single so much, for 2 reasons: 1) I feel unloved, and 2) I need to love someone. I feel empty without it. I'm getting like full-body spasms/tenses right now. I just don't know what to do right now, or to get myself better. It just seems impossible. I know other people have done it, but I don't think I'm getting any better. I've had 4 different types of therapy with 2 different therapists, and none of them have helped.

Anyways, that's my bitching for the night. I'm gonna try to find something to do, even if it's just take a shower and go to sleep.

((((((((((( cody ))))))))))))))

Thank you for posting. So you know it was read, and truly hope venting has helped you in someway.

There is a chat room connected with this forum, give it a consider. Lots of people there that can reach out and relate.

Warmie

Hi Cody. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to respond to your post, but I've really just started using the forums, so I just had a chance to read what you wrote.

I'm sorry you feel so alone, Cody. I'm not going to tell you the dreaded, "there's someone out there for you," because I will tell you this...it was not too long ago that I was feeling just as lonely and blue as you. I felt that I was going to end up alone forever. Truth be told? You are not alone in how you are feeling, Cody. I hope that gives you some small sense of comfort...

I think it's great that you're being proactive and seeking help, even if you think it's not working. I'm sure your preserverance will pay off, and you will get the help you need.

As far as meds, I had to try one before I landed on my current medication that has helped my anxiety fantastically. The first one did make me very ill with flu-like symptoms, and actually made me very depressed. Sometimes we have to try a few meds before we land on the right one for us.

Anyway...as Jeanie said, hopefully you will join the chat room, if you have not already, so you can receive the wonderful support and encouragement that is offered there. Best of luck to you...

I don't want to see myself right now. I'm losing faith in love and all that. And please, nobody say "There's someone out there for everyone," or "You'll find someone someday." I'm sick of waiting, I hate being single so much, for 2 reasons: 1) I feel unloved, and 2) I need to love someone. I feel empty without it.

Think we are in the same world on that. Thought there was a 'special someone' but realization has set in and I can't be that part of their world.

Needing the need to love and be loved go hand in hand. Guess finding the 'right hand' to hold is the key to it all.

Warmie

The recent break up sounds quite confusing, I didn't really follow how it came to a sudden end but you mustn't blame yourself. I've come to learn that relationships are often wasted time, perhaps splitting from this person will prove beneficial in the long run?

I don't want to sound like I'm just talking rubbish so I'll explain that I've been with somebody for nearly 4 years and we recently decided to be 'just friends'. By recently I mean like on Monday. The thing is, after a year of being together we broke up and we were just friends for a while and then we were just friends who slept together...etc. A lot of pain came with that. We got back together but the past few months it's been clinging onto something that just wasn't there.
My point is getting lost here but what I'm trying to say is a hell of a lot of people are so attatched to the idea of having a relationship they hinder themselves from having one. Like you say the need to love and be loved is huge. My ex and I truely do and did share a lot of love but we've realised now it just wasn't the big love that everybody seems to harp on about in fairy tales, it is a true and sincere friendship and lloyalty. I hope anyway!

Basicly I just want to urge you not to give up on meeting someone one day or you might miss it if you do. But also, not to hold so much importance upon being with somebody. God I must sound ridiculous, I can't get my words straight. I just mean from experience, I suggest you aren't so hard on yourself. A measure of someones worth is not if they've found 'the one' or not.

I'm incredibley sorry for the scrambled ramblings in this reply. I tried to explain what I meant but I think i f***ed it up.

MJ - try not to be so hard on yourself, please!! Totally got what you were saying...

Don't close your heart to the possibility of finding someone special, or you might miss it when they come your way.

However-

Your worth is not based on whether or not you are in a couple. I spent a long time out of a couple after a bad relationship - I began to feel more whole than I had in years! Then, finally, when I was ready for love, I found it in a big way. Please understand that I was single for quite some time before this new man came along; and this may sound lame, but I actually was able to find myself during that single time in my life.

Is that what you were saying? Our worth has nothing to do with whether we are single or not... if so, I absolutely, 100% agree with you, friend.

((((((((((((((((((((( Cody )))))))))))))))))))))))

A hug your way to let you know you are being thought of.

Jeanie

I guess that's pretty much what I was trying to say, yeah. Thanks : )
x

No worries, MJ!!! Your thoughts were very profound and insightful. Keep posting!!