Death..... the reaper cometh

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Death..... the reaper cometh

Postby Graywolf » Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:35 pm

Does any ever pray for death, because they are to much of a coward to do it them selves or believe that it's a sin before God, and there is no forgiveness for that.
I try so hard to be a good person, but my depression gets in the way. I'm to the point that I absolutely can't stand myself. I'll go as far as to say that I hate myself, and want to know why I'm even alive. I feel worthless like I can do nothing right. If i make a decision it's always the wrong one. Then that is usually followed by a big fuss between me and my wife. Usually I'll just tell her to do what she thinks. Then it's on again because I NEVER make a decision. So I've got that going for me. Me being out of work isn't helping, the doctors won't release me because I have to many health problems. So yeah......... Then there is my health problems, and they are many.
So why would God put me through all theses many things and leave me hear to suffer. I've heard it said, That whatever doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. BULL****.!.!.!. Why did he even let me get off the operating table is beyond my own logic. He had the opportunity to take me then.I don't have a clue why I'm even alive.
I'm such a failure to my friends and family. Once apon a time I was making a living and taking care of things like I'm supposed to do. One day I'm working the next day I'm in the hospital waiting on a double bypass. If you looked in the dictionary and looked up the word failure there would be a picture of me.
I can't stand feeling like this.I want it to be over. I want to go back to my life not this prison of guilt, cowardice, loneliness, heart broken, despicable, shell of a life. I feel wore than the fat kid at school that everyone picks on and called names. Guess what I was that kid to, until I learned how to fight. Then I was ok. But how do you fight something you can't see, but only feel.
I do everything that the doctor tells me and I take my meds just like I'm supposed to. And I sill feel this way. Like I've been abandoned by everyone, alone in a crowded room. Usually before the day is through I pray for death to come four or five times a day. I get no answer. He must be to busy to hear me or he's telling me the answer is NO. How long, how long do we have to wait. If God doesn't want to take our lives for us then why don't he cure us.
Depression make me feel like I'm an emotional monster that no one wants to look at or touch. Behind bars in a side show and watching the people turning away because they want no part of me and my fate. I can't control the monster it comes from out of no where and hits me like a freight train. No warning, no signal, just full steam ahead. And it hurts physically and mentally hurts. So sometimes alot of time I cry. I'll go in another room away from every on and cry my eyes out, because it hurts so much.
And that's when I really pray hard for death to come quickly. The pain is almost to much to bare. I don't want to die but if that's what it takes for me to get rid of these feelings. Then I'm ready to check out.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. I'm not suicidal I just want the pain to stop. I want to have a normal life again like everyday people who don't have this deamon monkey on their backs like we do. I'm just starting to figure out that this is a real sickness, so why can't they find a cure instead of doing nothing to make us better.

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Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 3:25 pm

Re: Death..... the reaper cometh

Postby amstcole » Fri Apr 06, 2018 4:20 pm

My LH had a multitude of problems...yeah, he got depressed but he also focused on helping out people...anyway, you are not a failure...find something to do. Talk to your doctor about the depression. Maybe you can do light volunteer work somewhere. Can you get on SSD? Find out if you can...there are so many programs out there to help you...focus on that and finding ways to help other people but, above all, you need to get strong mentally to the best of your ability...anyway, praying for you...

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Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: Death..... the reaper cometh

Postby ImJohn » Tue Apr 10, 2018 11:44 am

In answer to your first question: Yes I have. And what's more I bet 99% of the people on this site have considered 'checking out' as a longed for blessing at some time or other. I know what you mean about that hackneyed phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" too. It's so annoying and unhelpful when you're battling depression.

Perhaps it's time to reevaluate everything? I mean not just yourself (I guess you've judged yourself a lot already) but the whole system of values that we seem to live by. I mean it's hardly your fault that you've had a double bypass and whatever other medical problems and that that's led to you losing your job. You deserve support not censure. And why the heck should a person be judged on the size of their pay packet anyway. Sure it's good to provide for yourself and your family if you can but there's more to life than work and more worth in you than as a provider.

Since you mention God perhaps this is a good time to re-read what Jesus said because he often turns things on their head and asks us to look at things in quite another way. Take the beginning of the beatitudes as an example, "Blessed are the poor in spirit (weak, hopeless or dare I say depressed people) for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" What? But that's just crazy! Or is it?

Yesterday I was walking through town when I passed a beggar on the street. The question is always the same. "If that was Christ would you walk passed?" So I stop, offer a little and talk for a while, person to person. They're at the bottom but I tell you I believe they see more and are more than many a rich man. So who will be first in the kingdom of heaven? Isn't that what matters rather than material success?

Depression is humbling and no it doesn't make you stronger, but perhaps it makes you see things afresh and in a better way.

All the best


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Re: Death..... the reaper cometh

Postby Jlb124 » Tue Apr 17, 2018 9:57 pm

Yep, I can completely totally identify with this. I just don’t want to be here any more. My meds do nothing.

I’ve never felt suicidal until the last few months and now it’s all I think about. Imagining different ways to do it. I tried an overdose the other week but it didn’t work. So now it’s into self harming with a razor.

I seemed doomed to destroy myself one way or another.

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Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Death..... the reaper cometh

Postby Janine28 » Wed Apr 18, 2018 9:28 pm

AHHHHHHH please please, please. I know your pain and reading it was like I was telling my life story! The suffering is there from the very second your eyes open in the morning! You literally feel every second that passes by, you constantly live in your head and its nothing but negativity. People would say things like "go talk to someone", "go for a walk", "get out of the house and just do things", "choose to be happy"(I HATED THAT ONE THE MOST!!!!).......OBVIOUSLY, those people that tell us those things have NO IDEA what it is like to have any form of depression/anxiety/manic/etc...etc... So why would we want to listen to someone like that because we KNOW that stuff DOES NOT WORK!!! The feeling of impending doom is with us 24/7! and it's not something you can just "think away"! Medication, for many of us, may barely scratch the surface if at all! I wished every day to get hit by a car so I didn't have to kill myself because I know I would end up spending eternity in hell (even though I already am). I would take my son to see a movie and the whole time we were watching the movie I'm thinking to myself "why bother trying to engage myself with a movie because the second the movie is over, the suffering is going to be right there waiting for me" the mental pain never goes away!
Well......I am happy to say.......I am the happiest I ever been in my entire life! I was informed of a medication that they discovered/CURES depression! Please, you have to believe me on this!!!! A lot of doctors do not know about this because it is not FDA approved to be utilized for depression at the current moment. This is going to shock you but the medication is called Ketamine! Yes, you heard (read) correctly KETAMINE! Ketamine is currently used for anesthesia when people are having a surgery. Yes.......ketamine has a bad rap because kids were abusing it (just like bath salts) to get high. But they would get the "high" becuse they were taking the medication in unconventional ways and in EXTREME doses. I IMPLORE YOU to do research on this.......Actually, I was just in New York TODAY for one of my treatments! LOL This is not something that takes awhile to build up in your system.....THE CHANGES ARE instantaneous in most cases and if they are not instantaneous then you will see results within a day! Since it is not approved by the FDA, the medication is expensive, but what is your life and happiness worth to you!!???? I am not kidding when I say that I would sell EVERYTHING I OWN and live on the streets just to take this medication....AND THE BEST PART IS.......YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT FOREVER! I cannot express to you enough how absolutely amazing my life is! I am 42 years old, I have had SEVER depression, bi-polar, and anxiety since I was about 15 years old! Iknow exactly what you are feeling and I PROMISE YOU.....I EVEN SWEAR ON MY SOUL that this medication WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! I am currently in Nursing School and I am in the top of my class! ARE YOU KIDDING ME........NEVER IN MY LIFE did I think I was smart or even remotely close to being college material. I was an average student in high school and I made Deans List in College after my treatments started! I wish I could meet you, and people like us to show you that I am living proof that we can have happiness! TRUE AND UTTER WITHOUT A DOUBT HANDS DOWN HAPPINESS....and my confidence???....IT IS THROUGH THE ROOF! I LOVE life and I am so happy right now that there aren't words to describe how amazing I feel. My family cries when they see me because they can't believe how my life is right now. And I am now able to look people directly in the eye when they talk to me! People actually want to be around me because I'm funny, I make people laugh and they know what/where I came from and how I BEAT my depression! There are Ketamine treatment centers in a lot of major cities in California, New York, Florida, Philadelphia and other areas as well. I go to New York because the Dr. there is amazing!!!!!! Trust me, I'm not like a Ketamine sales person nor am I working for any doctor for advertisement, I am living proof!
You have about 6 treatments over a 2 week period. Each treatment is given through an IV drip over about a 45 minute time frame. After the first six treatments you may need what they call "boosters" but over time, you will not need the treatments anymore!. Each person is different, some patients need a booster treatment (at first) possibly 1 every 3 weeks, once a month, 1 twice a month, once every 6 months etc..... it just depends on how you body responds to it. I am down to usually about 1 treatment every 2 and half months. PLUS......I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET OFF ALMOST ALL OF MY MEDICATION!!! Sorry for the caps, I'm just very passionate about this because I want people to know that there IS an answer for us....THIS WORKS...I PROMISE YOU! You can choose to ignore this or decide it's not for you, but I have to at least let people know that there is help! I want to help save people's lives because thats exaactly what happened for me....I WAS saved!!!! Please, if you have ANY questions, I'm an open book! I wish you luck on road to happiness and I pray that you will be as happy as I am one day.

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