decision making

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Ender
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2016 3:50 pm
Location: New York

decision making

Postby Ender » Sun Jul 24, 2016 8:15 pm

I currently see a therapist every other week. I started back in January, a few weeks after my brother in law committed suicide. I was/am having a heard time dealing with a lot of things. once of which is facing my own depression and suicidal ideations in relation to the death of my brother in law. One of the more difficult things is that in the weeks, or month leading up to his suicide, I had also been considering such a solution to my intensifying depression and anxiety. Seeing the pain his death caused to my sister, and seeing my niece (sisters daughter) and his son (with another woman) and the pain and sadness throughout all of our families...and to think I had been so close to making that same decision....it's been so confusing, I can't quite get my head around everything in the needed order of things. And rarely do my thoughts, or process of thoughts, make sense to me. It's like 5 different "trains" of thought merging onto one track. I just can't sort things through.

I started therapy as a way to help me deal with this, as well as many underlying issues from my very early years, through childhood, into my teen years and on through my twenties. To me it seems as though the therapy is pointless. Mostly at my fault as I am not very good at talking or expression my emotions other than in writing. and even then, as I said...I rarely make sense anymore as my thoughts seem to collide with each other into one jumbled mess of words.

I am now trying to decide if I should discontinue therapy. after a few months I feel that it hasn't had any effect or improvement in any way. I've also been put on meds for depression and bipolar disorders. The meds are losing their effect as of a month ago or so. Or at least I am feeling they are losing effect. Which of course would lead to an increase in dosage and more monitoring. Which I can do without attending therapy. I just don't know if I should continue the therapy and hope that maybe something at some time with change. Or if I should discontinue sessions and just rely on meds and the doctor who prescribes them, in order to regulate these "mood disorders"
Am I wasting the therapist time? when I am not sure I will ever be any different than I am now? when i'm not sure I can ever feel, or thing, or exist any differently.

Some have suggested that I try a different therapist...but that would be like starting all over, from the beginning. Back at "square one", which makes me feel even more hopeless than ever. Why am I trying? Am I trying? what am I doing wrong? Why am I so wrong? What am I supposed to do?

Through the two weeks between sessions I dread going. Once I am there I feel a little bit better just for knowing that I am in a safe place where I can't hurt myself, where if I try to, they are trained on what to do, where to take me, and maybe how to stop it. But mostly, throughout those two weeks, I don't want to go, I don't want her to ask her questions, I don't want to have to keep saying "I don't know." or "i don't remember" when I find it too difficult to find the words to explain something. I've never been good at verbalizing my thoughts or emotions. The only time I can do that is when I am feeling a certain way...the kind of way that nothing matters, and i'll say whatever I think without sensory and not care what is thought of me or done to me.

So...continue therapy? where I might be wasting their time and my own.
Or stop therapy? and....well I don't know what kind of effect stopping will have.

Any thoughts?
I'm also not good at making decisions....*sigh*

-Ender-

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: decision making

Postby 100footpole » Tue Jul 26, 2016 9:33 am

Ender,

I just noticed that you have a lot of recent posts on here.

With respect to therapy: There seem to be several types of therapy for depression. What is the type of therapy that your therapist is using? Why don't you think you are progressing? Switching therapists doesn't have to be starting from zero, now you have a better handle on what YOU want to happen with therapy. Maybe you could talk to your current therapist about switching, and what your options are for therapy.

I know that it is hard to build a level of trust with a therapist, but that is just phase 1. After you build that level of trust they need to have a method that works moving forward for you. At one point I had a therapist who I really trusted, but whose main tool for progress was bio-feedback. I did learn bio-feedback techniques, and meditation is a help like exercise, but at some point I get to a place where just practicing those makes me feel depressed. Meds help there since they help me build the cognitive discipline even when I am in a place where the activity doesn't feel like I'm progressing.

I think I forget how bad depression can feel, I start to act "normal" and then it kicks back in and I say "Oh yeah, that's why I was doing that. But at the point, as you say, at that point I am back to square one.

Some of your other posts look like you have things that make you feel good. I am going to read all your posts and then may post one more reply. Thanks for posting.

PracticalGrit617
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2016 8:28 pm

Re: decision making

Postby PracticalGrit617 » Thu Aug 11, 2016 8:32 pm

Precious Ender,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother in law. Your experience is nothing short of traumatic. The grief we experience after the loss of a loved one can be a battle, but it can also be a catalyst for hope. I pray your heart is healed, your questions are answered, your hope is restored and the love within you is revived. Suicide, as you're learning, is never an answer. I want you to know, to understand, to grasp how loved you are. You may not 'see' it or 'feel' it. But I pray you believe it.
As for depression and anxiety, they need to be dealt with concisely and swiftly. I have learned through experience how devastating they are the longer we dwell on and in them. Together, they create a cycle that seems never ending and promotes overwhelming hopelessness and helplessness: like being stranded at sea in the midst of a storm. The key is to cling to hope and take positive action. You have already experienced this in your statement, "Through the two weeks between sessions I dread going. Once I am there I feel a little bit better just for knowing that I am in a safe place..." It's great that you refused to give in to isolation! First, you decided not to give up, and second, you decided to go. You are capable of making excellent decisions! Keep in mind, healing happens in layers and takes time, in relation to how deep the root is. For instance, an argument can be easily remedied through an apology and forgiveness. But childhood trauma usually requires connecting mental, emotional, physical and psychological dots. It also takes courage to face past hurts that we sometimes stuff in order to avoid.
In terms of being overwhelmed by your multiple trains of thought, consider this: you have a sound mind. By definition, you are free from mental disorders. As a result, you have an ability to understand and process various situations. Everyone gets overwhelmed at times, and it may feel like you're losing your mind, especially if you're stressed. And that's normal. Just take a deep breath and challenge yourself to focus on one thing at a time and prioritize. You have a lot on your plate, and from the bottom of my heart, I encourage you to take each day moment by moment and step by step. It's a great idea to keep going to your therapist. If you would like to speak to someone who can walk alongside you through your grief, I have some awesome options for you if you are interested. I look forward to hearing from you! :)

anishmathur.my
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2016 8:27 am

Re: decision making

Postby anishmathur.my » Fri Aug 12, 2016 9:13 am

I don’t have much say in this. Depression comes and goes. People suffer and some suicide and we think we can’t do much about it I am just here to inform people and spread the word about all this that doesn’t make that much of a change. Sitting on that chair and reading this you are not doing much of a favour to anyone these kids these people these adults they are just walking around like nothing bad is going on while in any other end of a street there is someone is being killed, or there is a kid being beaten up for being homosexual, or there is a girl selling drugs for money to live a life without getting molested by a messed up father. These are problems we just read and don’t do much about. We are just sitting somewhere doing nothing about it when we all should actually be doing something stop sitting around and doing nothing about these people they are humans to just like all of us there isn’t any problem about races I think there is only one race and individually I think that race is the human race.


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