Depression Understood Forums

I'm not sure ho to explain this.

At the moment I am focusing on maintaining a consistent and professional attitude throughout the day and night.

I get these moments where I want to do something bad. I start plotting and get all manipulative. It usually happens where I feel like I lack control over a situation. Sometimes I try to do it because I'm bored and want a bit of excitement.

I also want to work on how to stop lying. I lie too much and it is very convincing. It is both big and small lies. I just lie and I don't know why. Sometimes I find it uncomfortable to tell the truth, even when I know I will not get in trouble for it.

I am gay unfortunately and I am using to not advertising it openly in a religious community. I think that might have something to do with it.

I just don't feel good. I just want to stop being manipulative and a liar. I want to stop these thoughts of being manipulative and stuff and just be genuine.

This is really a great post.

I like how you've listed three different ways to act:

1)consistent and professional

2) plotting and manipulative

3) genuine

And you note that you are gay.

I think you can be gay and all of these ... depending on who you are interacting with. You are right that plotting and manipulative makes it very difficult to be consistent ... while professionalism makes it difficult to be genuine too.

I think that consistent and professional is best for work. Genuine is best for friends. Consistent and genuine is best for strangers. But, for people who are plotting and manipulative ... avoidance is the best strategy. Having been plotting and manipulative is great experience for spotting it in others.

If one feels like starting something evil...well....

I live in a health unit & talk to staff when things begin to get dark inside my little world.....

So.....

If one continues to have such negative attitude & gets sick from it.....from what staff says is well....to stay healthy & live in a clean environment.