I'm afraid of being happy

[RidingonCloud-0]

Ever since I turned 17, I've experienced severe depression that nearly destroyed my highschool career (I survived but barely).

I used to be a christian but in losing my faith, I lost hope. Life seemed meaningless. I've always felt vulnerable to melancholy since I was a child. A mysterious anxiety if you will.

I'm a very sensitive person as well and have, ever since highschool, hung around girls more than boys. I'm also same sex attracted and am close to my mom but not my dad or brother. My brother and I never got along though I liked my dad. My brother and father have argued bitterly in front of me. I'd run into my room and scream in a corner until they stopped. I'd cry

Living in Zimbabwe, I was criticized for my sexuality though at the same time, I was never the victim of any violence because of it. I promised to never take my life for granted. Through my life, I've always been secretly afraid of being happy.

Whenever, I was happy, I expected to receive a wave of sadness afterward. My mind has been an endless battlefield and I'm a tired soldier . I've considered suicide for numerous reasons but always feared dying while at the same time being intoxicated by the idea of death. I've only started counselling to adress deep seated issues in my family. I can't do this alone, I need someone's help, someone to talk to.

I want to be free to be happy, I don't want to stress over every little thing in my life. I'm tired of fighting with myself, I'm tired of this war. I just want to be free and I'm prepared to give evrything I personally own up if I can be free of my pain. Anything, just to be happy

[porcupine]

When I have brief moments of happiness, I think I have to try to ground myself. Otherwise when something bad happens, I won't be prepared. I want to be happy, but it's like I'm always waiting for the kick in the teeth. Why does life have to be so hard? We want to be happy, but fear it. The mind is so complicated and contradicts itself. It's still good to have those brief moments of happiness though.

[themortalgarden]

I can't even pretend to know what it's like to have gone through the bad experiences you have had in your life, but what I do know I can say with confidence to you is that you are not alone, and things will not always be as hopeless as they seem to be. I certainly hope that you find everything and anything that defines true happiness to you and that it stays in your life, constantly renewing and refreshing you for every new day and every new challenge. I know it's hard to believe in happiness. It's hard to believe in God too, in a world as unjust as ours. But like one might finally have to resort to faith to make any sort of peace with oneself concerning the divine, so must you be steadfast in your belief that the good will come, and is as rightfully yours as it is any and every other human being's on this planet. You've already come to the conclusion that you are a soldier in the war for your happiness and peace, and I cannot agree more. You are the only soldier in the world who has to face your demons, and who has what it takes to defeat them. You feel pain because you're still fighting. Because the enemy of your happiness knows you are fully capable of winning. Remember, your circumstances are not who you are, because you were born to live, and anything or anyone that makes you think otherwise is feeding you lies. Your life, if you lay your honesty bare, is your greatest treasure. No matter in what palace or slum you were born. I'm not gonna lie, strong or weak, confident or shattered, the road to a truly happy life is a difficult one for us all to walk on, because finding the satisfaction of true happiness in these days is very difficult. People are troubled and don't care like they could. Money and material things are what we're fed to believe are the quick and easy way out of the weight in our chests, but what can flashy bills, cars and rings really solve? They may carry temporary relief, but no answers, no honest meaning or gifts that say, fellowship with loving friends can bestow. It might take all your strength and patience right out of you to navigate in your journey, but because your life is precious, and you are important, it's worth it. You're worth it! Believe in the promise of the sunrise.

[viuuiuvy]

It's still good to have those brief moments of happiness though.

Indeed it is.

I find happiness in the small things in life such as:

a nice cup of tea
breakfast
a good movie
a good book

also, lots of atmosphere & ambience brings joy to life....