Confused and alone.
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
-
shadowinside
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 12:45 pm
- Location: United States
Confused and alone.
I don't know if anyone else has had this happen?...but, I think it's really strange and terrible how I had support when a few of the people closest to me found out that I tried to end my life...but now that it has been a few months, they have stopped checking in. It seems like most people think suicide is this terrible thing and people should live, as long as they don't have to do anything to help. I can't do this on my own, but they are expecting me to. And I don't know what to do.
I have to say l know what you mean. I am chronically depressed. I am often desperately alone. But I know it takes a deep emotional commitment to support someone like me. I also know that besides all the reality of why I am depressed (or maybe at the center of them) there are the feelings. The feelings often suck, but they are the most changeable part of the situation.
Then of course there is the question of how to change the feelings. We can change them with people, but we can also change them by ourselves. I am not saying it's easy but often people want to see us do some of it for ourselves and then join in with encouragement. That's my experience on both sides of the equation.
But you are making an effort just by posting here. So that's a good start.
Then of course there is the question of how to change the feelings. We can change them with people, but we can also change them by ourselves. I am not saying it's easy but often people want to see us do some of it for ourselves and then join in with encouragement. That's my experience on both sides of the equation.
But you are making an effort just by posting here. So that's a good start.
-
Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
Hello,
I know what you mea about being alone. I have a few close friends and family members who loveme, but they can't really help me much. I am the one who has to live withmmyself day to day. The best I hope for is that one of them might keep me company during some of those dark days.
During my 18 years of marriage I never once suggested to my wifetthat I might commit suicide, but that doesn't mean that I didn't think about it a lot. Back in the late 80s I was driving a shuttle bus throughDDenali national park. People had told me for yearshow bbeautiful the park was, but I had driven most every highway in Alaska and didn't really think the park would have that much to offer. I waswwrong. My very first trip we stopped the bus next to a sow grizzly who was pulling up bushes to eat the roots. She was only recently out of hibernation and was pretty malnourished. She had two cubs who were wrestling each other about 50 feet away. Interior grizzlies don't get a lot of meat and are only half the size of bears on the coast who get lots of fish to eat.
My point is that even though I had the best job, with the best pay I'd ever had and really liked it, I still remember how I used to write suicide notes in the back of my mind while I was doing it. I've just never found life to be the great gift that many people consider it to b.
I know what you mea about being alone. I have a few close friends and family members who loveme, but they can't really help me much. I am the one who has to live withmmyself day to day. The best I hope for is that one of them might keep me company during some of those dark days.
During my 18 years of marriage I never once suggested to my wifetthat I might commit suicide, but that doesn't mean that I didn't think about it a lot. Back in the late 80s I was driving a shuttle bus throughDDenali national park. People had told me for yearshow bbeautiful the park was, but I had driven most every highway in Alaska and didn't really think the park would have that much to offer. I waswwrong. My very first trip we stopped the bus next to a sow grizzly who was pulling up bushes to eat the roots. She was only recently out of hibernation and was pretty malnourished. She had two cubs who were wrestling each other about 50 feet away. Interior grizzlies don't get a lot of meat and are only half the size of bears on the coast who get lots of fish to eat.
My point is that even though I had the best job, with the best pay I'd ever had and really liked it, I still remember how I used to write suicide notes in the back of my mind while I was doing it. I've just never found life to be the great gift that many people consider it to b.
That's such a poignant story, Alaska, because it describes so well the way I feel. It doesn't matter how good or bad things are they just so often feel dark and hopeless. It's something I fought all my life and didn't even know I was fighting. Nice things, family, friends, and company brought me no joy. How could I blame anyone in my life for getting fed up. But as easy as it would be (sometimes is), I really can't blame myself either. And neither should you.
Of course we have to accept responsibility for our lives, but we don't need to accept blame. I see now how many opportunities I've had. I've struggled so hard to make things work. I haven't screwed up: I've driven myself against adversity and given the choices I saw before me I made the best I could out of them. Now I find myself in very desperate shape. That doesn't change the fact that I've always done what I could and attempted positive change.
So yea, things have always been dark. I thought that was life; now I find it's my life, but not everyone's life. I still can only use the tools I have and continue to work for better tools. Maybe I'll catch a break. Maybe I'll just break. But until I do I practice the best habits I know and fight the darkness. I hate to use the word discipline because somehow sounds like a thing, something to acquire, or something you have or you don't. But I think of the word discipline as a type of road map. Different maps have different symbols and different information. So a type of discipline, when studied carefully over time, will bring us to a certain point, guide us to a destination. And there are disciplines we can apply to fight the darkness.
Of course we have to accept responsibility for our lives, but we don't need to accept blame. I see now how many opportunities I've had. I've struggled so hard to make things work. I haven't screwed up: I've driven myself against adversity and given the choices I saw before me I made the best I could out of them. Now I find myself in very desperate shape. That doesn't change the fact that I've always done what I could and attempted positive change.
So yea, things have always been dark. I thought that was life; now I find it's my life, but not everyone's life. I still can only use the tools I have and continue to work for better tools. Maybe I'll catch a break. Maybe I'll just break. But until I do I practice the best habits I know and fight the darkness. I hate to use the word discipline because somehow sounds like a thing, something to acquire, or something you have or you don't. But I think of the word discipline as a type of road map. Different maps have different symbols and different information. So a type of discipline, when studied carefully over time, will bring us to a certain point, guide us to a destination. And there are disciplines we can apply to fight the darkness.
-
shadowinside
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 12:45 pm
- Location: United States
Well, I'm reading a book that studies the themes and structures of Herman Hesse...
(I know, I know, bare with me).
It discusses how the end of the 19th century ushered in a collapse of peoples internal ethical structures. The polarities of right and wrong imploded and then shifted (and that's how we got WWI). I'm feeling a bit like that. Ethical structures, people's internal compasses are spinning. Mine too.
I'm trying to do things that are internally right and also externally also right. They don't always match up to well. One of the things the book talks about is one of Hesse's character's lines: "Loneliness is the road by which destiny strives to lead man to himself". I see a lot of loneliness. That may be what lies beyond the distractions. Maybe more people are getting closer to their true selves. The world is collapsing around me in slow motion, but I think I might be seeing a bit more clearly these days.
It seems like every month I'm going to lose my business. But I re-tiled my bathroom floor over the holidays and it looks great. We have to take each small win personally. And try not to take the losses personally. (That's my motto this week.)
(I know, I know, bare with me).
It discusses how the end of the 19th century ushered in a collapse of peoples internal ethical structures. The polarities of right and wrong imploded and then shifted (and that's how we got WWI). I'm feeling a bit like that. Ethical structures, people's internal compasses are spinning. Mine too.
I'm trying to do things that are internally right and also externally also right. They don't always match up to well. One of the things the book talks about is one of Hesse's character's lines: "Loneliness is the road by which destiny strives to lead man to himself". I see a lot of loneliness. That may be what lies beyond the distractions. Maybe more people are getting closer to their true selves. The world is collapsing around me in slow motion, but I think I might be seeing a bit more clearly these days.
It seems like every month I'm going to lose my business. But I re-tiled my bathroom floor over the holidays and it looks great. We have to take each small win personally. And try not to take the losses personally. (That's my motto this week.)
-
shadowinside
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Sat Oct 19, 2013 12:45 pm
- Location: United States
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 182 guests