Depression Understood Forums

I am a bit relieved to have found this site. I have been hurt and alone for a very long time. I have spent most of my life wishing I could just disappear starting with my childhood to the present day. I am always seeking happiness, but I never find it. I always try to please people and try to make everything perfect for them, but in return people treat me with disrespect. I am a person that puts others first and myself last and am always disappointed when I need something. I came from a very dysfunctional family, my father had been married before and had two children ( my father received custody of his son Bob) and his wife received custody of the daughter Sue, and my mother had previously been married,(she was pregnant at age 16) she had 2 children (Paul and Marie )with her first husband, she never got custody of her children age two and three, because she left them in a closet with baby bottles and ran off with another man. She got pregnant by this other guy and went back to her first husband saying that it was his kid...no way. At that point she tried to commit suicide, she slit both wrist, obviously she did not die, she was put in a hospital. My grandmother took care of the children. Her first husband got custody of the first two children because she abandoned her children but she got the third child ( we will call him Tom ) by the courts but had to raise the child with supervision from my grandmother.no one really knows who the father was. By the time Tom was three , my mother met my father and married him, the courts allowed her to keep Tom as long as my father adopted him, then about 10 months of marriage my parents had me. So now our family had one son from my fathers first marriage, my mothers Son Tom and myself. Six years later my parents had another son together (Mark). Growing up my mothers first children would come to visit with supervision. Until my baby brother came along I was the baby as my step siblings were nearly 10 years older than me, excluding Tom, he was four years older than me and mark was six years younger than me. Anyways, discipline was always a sore spot with me as my parents would never correct each other children, but I was their common child so I got the brunt of all the abuse. Growing up my father and mother were very abusive to me physically and mentally. My father always called me names like idiot, stupid and pain in the ass. My mother was what I would call a syllable slapper, she would beat me and with every blow to me would say a word. I ran away a lot. I did not know all the back ground of my parents until I was older, I always knew something was not right with our family but I just could not put my finger on it. I always felt like I was adopted or something as I did not fit in the family. I could always hear my parents fighting and my name would come up and my mother would blame it on my father for getting her pregnant with me. It's like she hated me from day one. I think the most disappointing day of my life was when I found out that my parents were really my parents, I had always prayed that I was really adopted and I would someday find my real parents and they would just love and adore me. I cried for weeks.
I was always a good girl, but my mother always thought I was doing something bad, probably because of her own past. I was terrified to do anything wrong as a beating would surely follow. My father was a perfectionist and expected a child to be born with the knowledge of a 30 year old. I could never do anything right to please them. I was always involved in school programs, just so I would not have to go home after school. They never came to any performances at school. I was always embarrassed in front of my classmates , I was the only one that had no one there to support me. By the time I was a freshman in High school, I started drinking hoping I could forget my parents and my life, the only one that felt bad about that was myself as it just made me sick. I switched high schools in my Junior year as I wanted to get away from people I grew up with, I wanted a new start, plus this other High School offered Hair dressing along with High School, it was great. I was excelling at this school all straight A's, I was so proud of myself, but of coarse not perfect enough for my parents and the beatings still continued. I tried to kill myself. I was not very good at it and became very depressed. During my senior year, I just could not take the abuse anymore and ran away...1600 miles to be exact. I moved to Florida, I had an Aunt there and she took me in. I went to school and also had a job there My Aunt supported me a hundred percent. She treated me like a human being, I really liked that. Toward the last semester of High School my Cosmetology teacher called and begged me to return back to school as she had a scholarship waiting for me at graduation. I was so excited, but sad at the same time as I had to ask my father if I could return home to finish school there , surprisingly he said yes. When I returned home my Dad was so nice to me, I am not sure what happen over the four months I was gone, but he was different, my mother was not, she was just as evil as ever toward me. One day she picked me up from school and she just kept yelling and screaming at me, she told me she hated me and that I ruin everything. I have no idea what she was talking about, she started speeding, she was going so fast I thought for sure she was going to flip the car over the mountain curve and kill us both...she is crazy. That was one of many times she did that to me. One time she was speeding, than slammed on the brakes and pushed me out of the car in the middle of no where. I was terrified, but relieved I was no longer in the car with her. I never told anyone as I was too embarrassed and back in the 60's and 70's I didn't believe anyone would believe a kid. My Aunt somewhat knew, she would always tell me my mother was jealous of me as she always liked to be the center of attraction. My step brother Tom, her child, was called the Golden Boy, he could do no wrong and what ever he wanted, he got. Christmas and Birthdays were always a disappointment for me. Well, I guess I have vented enough for one night. My childhood was not very happy. I am glad I could get some of this stress off my mind. Who ever is out There, thanks for listening.

Welcome to the forum Bluizz;

It's good to see your talking about your past. It's an important place to start and it's not always an easy place to go. How are you doing today?

Well, today starts out as most days. In pain, tired and alone. Yesterday I spoke about my past, but today I think I will talk a little about my present life situation. Back in 2005 I divorced my first husband of 26 years, how it I ever lasted that long is probably my own fault. He was abusive and cheated on me all the time. I guess I did not want to appear to be a failure to my family as I found out later they had bets on how long the marriage would last, as if they had much too talk. During my marriage I had given birth to two beautiful daughters and I mainly stayed in the marriage for the children. I played the good wife and mother and made no waves. Never argued in front of the children or with my husband in front of people. We went to church and were very in involved. We practically lived there. We were the children's pastors coordinating staff. Our children traveled the world with the church and the ministries, they loved it. To see our family it looked pictured perfect. But inside was a different story. My us and at the time would in ite whores in my home and perform sex acts in my bed, I know because he video tapped them. One day while cleaning up the garage I came across two of these VCR tapes. I could not take it any more. At the time I was a stay at home Mom that had not worked in years and could not imagine how I was going to leave my home and start over with two young girls. Well, it took me awhile to get the courage and the strength to remove myself from this situation. My biggest motivation was a day when my husband came home in the middle of the day stating he quit his job of 20 years, because he got made at the boss. What? I was so angry as he carried all the insurance for our family and was the bread winner. I got myself in high gear and prayed. I typed up a resume and headed out after 11 years of not working. I landed me a wonderful high paying job with benefits with local Law Enforcement. I loved it, I finally felt like I had a purpose in life. I worked there for a few year, enough to muster up enough money saved and to get a lawyer. By then we were married 25 years. I felt bad as my children and family still did not know anything was going on and they had 25 the anniversary party for us with all our friends and family. They sent us on a 3 week cruise. It was awful being stuck on a boat with a man I plan on serving papers to in a couple of weeks. I made the best of the time together, but could not wait to return home. Two weeks after our journey he was served divorce papers, he was shocked as he never thought I would do it, it always said I was weak and stupid. Well, now I felt in control, but I still had to keep in mind I had two children to worry about. My oldest had already moved out of the house , she was 18 and my 14 year old was devastated to hear the news, he perfect image of her parents were shattered. I was heart broken. During the divorce I had made several arrangements to move to another state as I just wanted to get as far away from him as possible and my plan was to take my youngest daughter. Well, she did not like the fact that she would have to move away from the only home she new and requested to stay with her dad. I did not feel comfortable with that, but I did not want to traumatize her anymore than I had to. So the lawyer said that was not a problem, my husband said don't worry, you do not need to pay me child support I make plenty of money, so I made sure that was in the divorce papers. Although I did not have to pay child support I was sending him money every month to help support her and I paid for her health insurance, clothes, trips and another expense she had. Though I lived in another state she would always be calling me and telling me she was sad and alone and her father does not pay any attention to her. Shortly after we had divorced he married and my daughter was thrown into a new family. She now had a baby sister and a new step mom. This woman was abusive to my daughter. This abuse went on for nearly a year and half until finally my daughter called me and told me all these things that were going on, I was devastated. I got her on a plan and had her move in with me. Of corse I had to get a lawyer again, but some how my x managed not to have to pay me child support, not sure how that happened but I was not going to let my daughter suffer for his neglect. I enrolled her in private school, she got a part time job and I purchased a car for her ( which she paid me back for with her earnings from her job) I was trying to teach her responsibility. I did not have a lot of money, in the divorce I only received $30,0000. But I made the best of it. I landed anther high paying job in my new state, but shortly after working there, about a month later I was injured and still supporting my daughter at this time with no other financial help. Her private school was $10,000 , and being her senior year you can imagine all the other expenses that went along with that, pictures, proms, clothes etc, plus getting her ready for college. I called her father several times asking if he could help her out a little , you guessed the answer was NO. So I was under a lot of stress, I was injured, and supporting a 17 year old on my own along while I was having surgeries and trying to cope with my own issues. Most of the money I had received during the divorce were dwindling, I felt scared and alone, fighting workers compensation is a night mare by it self. But I continued to keep up the good act of being in good spirits for my daughter, but unfortunately there is always a breaking point. I finally sat her down and had a long talk with her, because now I felt she was old enough to understand some adult things, not all of them, but some. My Children have no idea the sacrifices I have made to assure them a safe and happy life, but of corse I was the blame for breaking up this family. I had no one to talk to my self, it needed a friend. Where I moved I did not know anybody and with getting injured right after starting my new job I was unable to make any real friend connections, so here I am alone. My best friend was pain physically and emotionally and the only other people I knew were doctors and lawyers.
My daughter finally graduated high school and went to a local community college and worked part time. Two years into her college she decided she wanted to excelerate her learning and get her degree faster and asked to borrow some money as a down payment for this college, so being a good mother I gave her$3600, the last of my money . She happily took it, I did have her sign a paper promising to pay me back after graduation and once she established a job. She did graduate and landed a very high paying professional job with a local surgeon. Our agreement was that she would pay me back $150 a month until the loan was paid off with no interest. Well, she was paying right along, she paid nearly $1500 of the loan back. Then one day we had a disagreement about something that had nothing to do with the loan. And then she just stopped paying me. I was not very happy about that, so I told her just because we had a disagreement on something does not give you the right to stop paying me. She started saying all this off the wall things like, you do not love me, alls you care about is the money, I am not going to pay you until you tell me you love me and admit you were wrong about our argument that we had. First of all the argument was not even over anything that needed really an apology. I was upset with her at first for not spending part of a holiday with me. Instead she chose to spend the day with her friends out of town, which was ok, she is 23 now, but I had asked her if it was possible to at least make it back by 5 or 6 so we could spend dinner together, after all, I am alone and injured. Nope, she just could not find time to be with me. I was really hurt. I have had 9 surgeries since 2006 due to my injuries and she has been there zero times to help me. On top of that just a month before that little argument , she purchased a brand new care she could not afford, she asked my mother for some money and now my mother pays half of her car payment. I told her before she bought the car, to purchase one within her income, and by circumstances borrow more than you can afford. She asked me for money and I said, I do not have any, I am still on workers comp and she had already taken the last of my savings for college. So her answer was, I just ask grandma. Again making me fell inadequate as parent. Of corse my mother gave her money, that was a way for my mother to fell superior over me again and make me feel worthless as a parent, my mothers comment was, I just want her to know I love her and I am always here for her, Really?? really? I have always been there for my children they may not always get what they want but they always get what they need. I would do just about anything for my children. It's funny my mother says that, she never shows or showed me love as a child, but now she is over compensating with the grandchildren, only because she married some guy with a lot of money. Me, she does not give me a nickel. I have to earn every penny I get. Well, I am tired right now, and bring up all this is starting to upset me again, so I will talk more later. Thanks for listening.