Depression Understood Forums

So this is a freedom speech in that I am writing without too much editing...apologies if you get lost.

So this word guilt is what has tortured me. It still is but am trying to face it and understand it a bit more. It's a paradoxical trip.

It's a guilt for feeling. So I feel guilty for having feelings and then when I finally do say/announce what I feel, it's misheard, judged, challenged..But ironically I absolutely love it when people tell me exactly how they feel. So going on that premise I am realising that saying what one thinks it really freeing for others around you. SOMETIMES!

So there is a compensation act that am battling with...going on all the time in my head. An incessant need to try and feel nice and appear likeable and transparent only leaving me totally empty and exhausted and congested. And then some day the complete opposite. Am gonna say what I really think and then it's way off the scale because people are used to me being 'nice' all the time.

I do feel deeply alone at the moment.

So most of the time people don't even know the 'balanced' me - except for people who I feel I can say what I think most of the time to and not feel like I will be left, abandoned, misjudged...etc...I've got to a point where I am perhaps caring less and now accepting myself for who I am and making new friends who are for me true friends.

In the last year or so I have 'lost' alot of friends. Lost in the sense, out of choice aswell. I am changing. I am realising what I want. Some people have not understood this, felt challenged and behave strangely to me.
I am also changing in that depression is getting a hold of me a lot more.

I can't write anymore but I hope some of this resonates

Hey cupidgem3

So there is a compensation act that am battling with...going on all the time in my head. An incessant need to try and feel nice and appear likeable and transparent only leaving me totally empty and exhausted and congested. And then some day the complete opposite. Am gonna say what I really think and then it's way off the scale because people are used to me being 'nice' all the time.

^ i can relate to this. I think its to do with being assertive. the way i relate is that being laid back and being a people pleaser although has its perks ive found its easy for people to then fall into the trap of knowing im easier to manipulate. so it can be difficult for me to feel resepcted when i do try to be assertive because people dont accept my response. and yeah i can relate again yeah with the feelings of guilt that go with that when people do try to push you when youre trying to voice your mind.

im sorry that this is making you feel alone because of it though. i think its great though that you said youre caring less now and accepting yourself. you are deserving of being heard and having an opinion, and it doesnt make you a bad person or out of line for standing up and voicing those thoughts. i think you just need to stick by it if people jump up at you because youre not being your usual "nice" self, everyone has the right to an opinion

jj

cupidgem3 wrote:
I do feel deeply alone at the moment.

I let myself feel guilt for some things. But being different or not meeting someone else's expectations is not one of them. Disappointed yes, guilt no.

It is right for you to feel proud of the steps you are taking.

I feel deeply alone too, but your story helps.