Coping with 2013? I'm still working on 2012...(Triggering?)

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit I rather limped to the end of 2012.
In December I ended up having to make a complaint to my manager about working with a co-worker, which I found VERY difficult and stressful and depressing.
My manager true to his usual form, ( Zero empathy, zero interest and as far as possible zero involvement...), did everything he could to make it seem as if I was totally wrong and generally pretty much imaging everything.
( Although, given that what I was saying is in fact well-known by pretty much everyone else in the office, probably INCLUDING him, he only managede to avoid sounding flat-out ridiculous because he and I were in a room speaking privately. )
On Christmas Eve I came down with a cold/'flu type of thing. Fortunately, ( Given I don't work weekends, and had Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Day off work as Public Holidays. ), I've managed to avoid taking any sick leave. My employers are SO not sympathetic about illness, and I just don't feel emotionally or physically up to dealing with the " Sick Leave Police "! )
So between feeling depressed with strong bursts of SI even before the end of the year, then feeling alone and ill and depressed and, to be honest, quietly wretched for the last couple of weeks, I'm feeling more tired and scared at the thought of a new year than hopeful or capable.
And, something happened this morning that rather felt like the last straw.
I was giving my landlord the rent for the month ahead when he mentioned that the " cubby-hole " leading into my flat was a bit untidy.
To get to my flat you have to walk through a front door which lets you into the house, open another door whoich lets you into a " cubby-hole " oe walk-in closet sort of thing where you can hang coats leaves shoes, etc, and then there's another door that leads into my actual flat.
For some reason he has a bee in his bonnet about keeping this tidy. He seems convinced that if the housing authorities become convinced it's untidy, or in some way unsafe they're going to give him some sort of citation, which will get him into trouble and then he'll have to ask me to leave which he doesn't want to do...blah, blah, woof, woof...
I could see his point, they are things I've been meaning to put out for recycling, take tpo charity shops, etc. But, I've been feeling so rough and dragging myself into work and coping with my depression has been as much as I've been able to cope with. ( At times I've wondered if it might have been more than I could cope with. )
So, I agreed with him, and said that I would do it when I felt better, saying that there were lots of things I was aware I needed to catch up with when I was more myself.
Unfortunately, he didn't seem to be able or willing to accept that. He kept banging about tidy the " cubbyhole " under the stairs, how he might get into trouble, how it would only take a short amount of time, how it would be easy...And, to be honest, I just wantedhim to drop the bloody subject and piss off so I could go back to bed. ( I, NARROWLY, avoided saying that, but, only be ingrained childhood politeness lessons. )
In the end, I, in a most polite, calm and quietly-spoken manner, just completely lost patience with him.
I explained tjhat I understood and respected his point of view, and would tidy up the " cubbyhole " under the stairs as soon as I could. However, it had not been my top priority recently. Trying to get through the day withour committing suicide was my top priority. Trying to working in a toxic, dysfunctional work environment was my top priority. Trying to get over a cold/'flu " bug " when I don't dare take the sick-leave that I could do with was my top priority.
( I'm not a physically impressive type of guy, so if I feel that I ever have to " take up the cudgels " on my own behalf, I tend to resort to a rather heavy-handed sarcasm ratrher than fists... )
I genuinely avoid talking aboit my SI to " normal people " if I can, but sometime people will JUST NOT back-off. And, if he was uncomfortable with that conversation that makes two of us... )
In the end, after hearing more about my gloomier feelings that either of us might have wished, it finally seemed to penetrate that he had in fact made his point, and he seemed content to make his escape!
We may well end up making our peace. Afterall, he needs to rent accommodation to someone, and it may as well be me, as at least he knows me to be reliable. And, I DO have everything intention of tidying up, WHEN I'm better.
But, I'm struggling with the thought of this new year. There's so much I need to do, and I feel just so low.

[onajourney71]

Hi Tacking,
I hear you about feeling so pressured to clean things up; it sounds like you're in some kind of state or public housing outfit; I am, as well..only they don't pester anybody where I live, but once a year in the spring-when the 'annual inspections' are. If they don't do those, the complex doesn't get 'their' money to operate the place, for the year. It's a real big to-do they make of it, then. I don't have any problems with them, though, just keep to myself and meet the bare minimum requirements to keep them off my back.
As far as your SI, I would not want to explain that to anyone, myself. It sounds like you felt pressured, and that was why you may have mentioned it. I've made similar errors in the past, sometimes one just can't help it. But-and I don't know if you're in the US or the UK-but in the US, you have rights to fair housing-they can't discriminate against you, because of a handicap. The landlord does still have a right to ask you to clean it up-but if your medical condition affects your ability to do that, he cannot evict you for it. So I wouldn't worry too much about it, then.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hi (((( onajourney71 )))), thanks very much for your reassurance!
I've been feeling as if things have been getting " on top of me " for a while, and that awkward conversation with my landlord was " the last straw that broke the camel's back ", as it were.
Oddly enough, I'm not in a state or public housing outfit, I'm with a private landlord. While there are regular inspections by officials from the local city council, these inspections are primarily to ensure that the accomodation being rented out is to a safe and habitable standard, as defined by UK housing laws.
If the " cubbyhole " leading into my flat was so untidy as to make it impossible to enter/leave the flat quickly or at all, then that would be an infraction of fire safety laws. However, that really didn't seem to be the case. ( Even before I started clearing it out. )
Although, my landlord seemed quite frightened that the next inspector would think that that was the case. I have to admit that I'm rather baffled...
Perhaps, my landlord just has " a bee in his bonnet " about this himself? Or, perhaps more likely, the last inspection may have been carried out by an over-zealous inspector, who was throwing his weight around enough to put a scare into my landlord in a way that isn't obvious to me? Because, I wasn't there at the time.
And, trying to see " the glass half-full " some of my landlords former tenants over the years in his properties have included:

An alcoholic who, while drunk, once became convinced that another tenant had stolen his mobile 'phone, and was loudly threatening to kill the other tenant in question. Until, the police arrived, rescued the tenant being threatened and arrested the alcoholic,

A group of drug users, who as a result, were evicted en masse,

And, two foreign tenants who disappeared back to their own country owing him money,

So, even after hearing rather more than either of us might have wanted him to know about my SI, as tenants go, he might well figure he COULD still end up with a worse tenant than me...

As you say, I was feeling very anxious and under pressure which is why I mentioned my SI. Normally, I really DO try not to frighten the " normal " people!
But, as you say, sometimes you just can't help it. It really does help to talk to people, such as yourself, on this site who understand how things like that can feel sometimes.
I'm still feeling unwell, after three weeks of dragging myself into work. So, if I'm not feeling better on Monday, I'm going to call in sick, go and see my doctor and give myself time to recover. My employers won't like it, but I would be within my legal rights, I can get legal advice from my union on the subject of sick leave if need be, and my employers can just have to go and...reconcile... themselves. ( Drawing on my last reserves of British tact and diplomacy there... )