10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person Possible trigger

[BrokenPen]

The list that follows was borrowed from a page by an individual who goes by the name of Noch Noch. She had listed out each of these phrases and made her own annotations about each one. Inspired by what she wrote, I decided to make my own. Some of my annotations are similar to what Noch Noch wrote but it still is true in my opinion.

1. Remain positive

Noch Noch: “I think: Duh! I know – but how? To me, my reality is that the world has alreadycaved in. What is irrational to you makes utmost sense to me. I’m so angry / upset / sad / lonely / devastated / hopeless / in despair… Why can’t you understand me?

I feel: Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.”

Broken Pen: Remaining positive is a case of “easier said than done”. This is an example of a person not really grasping the mindset of someone who is in the state of depression. It really is comparable to telling a person who is paralyzed from the neck down to simply “walk it off”.

2. Don’t think like that

Noch Noch: “I think: Why not? What’s wrong with thinking like I do? It’s an honest opinion. I really think this. It’s negative all right, but that’s what I think, so what’s wrong? So how should I think instead? Like you? But I don’t agree with you, and then I become you if I think like you…?

I feel: I did something wrong for thinking a certain way, and you reprimanded me for thinking so. Thus, I withdraw, and berate myself for thinking the way I do, and spiral further down into depression due to self-criticism.”

Broken Pen: This is one that gets to me. After all, when was the last time anyone ever said “don’t think like that” whenever someone says that they don’t like ice cream, even after trying it? It doesn’t happen. Unless the person is really pushy. But the point is that why does this phrase only come up whenever negative thoughts are expressed out of depression?

3. Pull yourself together/snap out of it

Noch Noch: “I think: How? Snap out of what? I don’t want to be like this either, you think it’s fun?

I feel: Feel completely useless and hopeless that I’m incapable of holding myself together and getting better. Depression snowballs with this sense of incompetence.”

Broken Pen: I think this one really ranks up there with something that I have seen being pervaded and perpetuated through the internet and modern culture. The word I’m talking about is “emo”. “Don’t be so emo”. It really does seem like that there is this mindset that if you say something like this to a person with depression that somehow through the miracle of words they’ll be cured and everything will be sunshine, roses and rainbows. But the truth is that it’s not as simple as that no matter how much anyone else wants it to be. After all, you can’t get a turtle to come out of its shell by kicking it across the room.

4. Why do you need to be depressed?

Noch Noch: “I think: Umm… I don’t know, I wish I knew. Doctors said it’s because of some imbalance in serotonin in me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!

I feel: Accused of committing a heinous crime to be depressed. Confused because I don’t know what happened to make me depressed and how it all happened. Lost since I don’t know how to get out of depression. Feel inferior and worse about myself, so I hide from you as well because I don’t want to feel inadequate.”

Broken Pen: Need? Whoever said that a person needs to be depressed? And let’s face it by saying this it really makes it sound like you’re accusing a person. The truth of it is that depression happens through no fault of the person suffering from it. So really by saying this phrase to a person you’re basically blaming the victim. Similar to saying this about a rape victim: “She was wearing a skimpy outfit. She was probably asking for it provoked him.” But of course you would never say that about a rape victim so why would you accuse a person who has depression as if they caused it or need it?

5. Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful.

Noch Noch: “I think: I am thankful for what I have. But what does that have to do with depression? Doctors and every website I’ve read say depression is an illness and has biological factors. Depression needs to be treated as any other sickness. You are lucky too, be thankful – stop having a freaking cold and sneezing germs into the air I breathe!

I feel: Misunderstood as a spoilt, ungrateful little girl when I’m not. Frustrated for being misunderstood, cry, wail, sad. Retreat into my hiding place – again.”

Broken Pen: What people don’t realize is that this is also frustrating to the person that is suffering from depression in the first place. Things may seem great, such as they may have a great job, a nice place to live or any other material types of success but they still feel this way and that is depressing in of itself. But the flipside is that this is also another type of phrase that is accusing the victim. In this particular instance it’s accusing the sufferer of being ungrateful for what they have. Being grateful or ungrateful isn’t part of the thinking process when one is in the thralls of the depressive state. And besides, can you really measure your own happiness by how much stuff you have?

And besides, if the person saying this is a friend then one should be ungrateful if this is the best advice that this so-called “Friend” can give.

6. Go do something and you’ll feel better

Noch Noch: “I think: Go do what? I can’t be bothered. I’m tired. I’m not interested. I have no energy. I just want to sleep. Doing something won’t make me feel better. Leave me alone.

I feel: Tired and lethargic, and no energy to think about what to do. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.

(N.B. What did work, was instead of telling me to do something, my fiancé simply made me put my clothes on, slid me into my boots, and dragged me out of the house for a walk, talking about random things on the way, not once mentioning anything to do how I was doing or asking if I felt better.)”

Broken Pen Saying this to someone who is dealing with the bouts of depression is pretty much a cop out or a brush off. That essentially the one who is saying this doesn’t want to deal with the person who is suffering and wants them to go away so that they are left alone.

And besides if someone is really suffering from the illness to the point where they don’t want to get out of bed it really makes things pretty difficult. After all there isn’t a lot one can do inside bed. Plus when in a really bad state you don’t have any will or energy.

And this also begs the question, what if the depressed person comes back after doing what was suggested and they still feel the same way? Go do something else? Round and round we go, right?

7. What’s wrong with you?

Noch Noch: “I think: I WISH I KNEW. I wish I knew. Oh how I wish I knew. Can you tell me? Can somebody tell me? I don’t want to be like this. Why am I like this?

I feel: Absolutely hopeless because I don’t know why I became like this, and I was unable to find out the reasons behind my depression. Very belittled and angry at myself. Can’t deal with this. I might as well die.”

Broken Pen: Another accusative statement. But really for a person who deals with this illness it’s a case of, “If I knew that then I’d do something about it!” On the other hand this does show that both the sufferer and the one that they’re talking to are both in a state of frustration in trying to figure out what the problem is. What the latter doesn’t realize is that they’re not contributing to any kind of solution by simply asking something like that.

8. You should do this or you should not do this (i.e. kill yourself)

Noch Noch: “I think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not hungry.

I feel: Patronized by your condescending tone (even if you didn’t have one). Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence – you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.”

Broken Pen: In a way the first part of this statement, “you should do…” is another kind of brushing off similar to “go do something and you’ll feel better”. That basically the person saying this once again doesn’t want to deal with a depressed person and is trying to send them off to do something productive. And you may incite that person for thinking, “Thanks a lot, asshole.”

On the other hand for the second part, “You should not…” and in the example that was given was “You should not kill yourself”. This does get into a pretty sensitive area. But also there is another side to that where there is this real cold sentiment out in the world, especially on the internet thanks to the magic of anonymity behind the shield of usernames. In that instance you have people saying, “You should just kill yourself and put yourself out of your own misery.” Is this what people are really like? Uncompassionate? Has computers made us as cold as machines as well? Or has apathy become a virtue?

9. See how others suffer even worst, and have no food to eat, be grateful for what you have.

Noch Noch: “I think: But you told me not to compare myself with others when I told you I was envious of others who have achieved more than me. So how double faced is it that just because others are less fortunate I can compare with them? I know you are trying to tell me I should count my blessings – I do, trust me I do. But how does this solve my depression? I still feel that life is not worth living despite being grateful for what I have. I am too tired to carry on and try.

I feel: Baffled as to why sometimes you say don’t compare and other times you tell me to do so. I don’t understand how being thankful makes me feel better, because what I have now has no meaning and no value to me. I JUST WANT TO DIE. Maybe if I die, there’d be more food for those who don’t have any. Proceed to jumping out the window from 30th floor.”

Broken Pen: I do agree with Noch in how there seems to be such an incredible two-faced double standard when it comes to this. It’s not okay to compare yourself to others when it comes to lack of success but it is okay to do that in order to count your own blessings.

In addition to that this also goes into something else that I hear quite a bit from normal people to those who suffer from depression, “Try volunteering and see how much better you have it.” Again, a brush off. And in thinking about this I have to ask a question about the notion of volunteering as a method of dealing with depression. Is this just another form of running away from one’s problems under the disguise of being productive or altruistic?

10. It’s all in your head.

Noch Noch: “I think: IT’S NOT! But I know. How do I change my head? It’s not my fault. I didn’t want this. I can’t control it. I’m trying but I can’t!

I feel: Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Inept at everything I’m trying to do and worse, for disappointing you. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…”

Broken Pen: The arrogance of this phrase is very thick. As if the outside person can really know what’s going on in the head of someone else. And really the people who say this aren’t exactly trained in the field of psychiatry so there really is no right for them to say what is in a persons’ head or not.

Although, what’s “all in your head” is when a person is saying to a sufferer that they’re “just looking for attention”. Who in their right mind would be looking for attention by using depression? I don’t really know anyone who wants this disease. It’s comparable to wanting heart palpitations or herpes. So really how can you know if the person just wants attention or not?

Noch Noch: “You might consider our reactions and emotions to what you say extremely unreasonable. I will not argue about it. Nevertheless, bear in mind that someone affected by depression does have a lot of “irrational” thoughts by standard of the norm. Yet, it is our reality and we completely believe it, irrational or not. So don’t try to debate or convince us otherwise. You will only push us further down our bleak track.

My contention is that, the wrong thing said, can unknowingly push a depressed friend over the edge. Not to be fatalistic, but 60% of suicides in the world is associated depression – go ask the World Health Organization if you don’t believe me.

Please, give us a break. If we all had a choice, I don’t think any of us would want to linger in a state of depression.

If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Just sit with us, let us cry, kick your shoes or whatever. That’s maybe all we need for now. Leave the lecturing to a medical expert such as a psychologist who can do it skillfully.

I compiled this from experience and based on my own reactions; I winced every time someone said the above to me in the last three years. Just for reference.

If you have anything else to add to the list of things to not say to a depressed person, feel free to in comments below. And if you liked this blurb please share with your friends and help my blog grow. Thanks”

Broken Pen: Another phrase that I think needs to be added to this list is, “Stop being such an emo.”

Often there is the platitude of “The world is what you make of it” and to a person who suffers from depression oftentimes we see the world as being a very gray and hopeless place. And as Noch Noch said it is the reality that we deal with. It may be irrational to the rest of the world but it is what we have to deal with.

So just because you don’t have to deal with it don’t blame the victim.

And so I say this to all of you who deal with people who suffer from depression: be careful.

Copyright © NochNoch 2010-2012

[Waynec]

Yes. This is a great post. Maybe we should print them off and hand them out. I really identify with No 3, as thats what I was brought up with.

[balcony]

Hi Waynec, Your list is quite depressing actually. I think you owe yourself a list that expresses statements and expressions that actually do provide support and /or comfort to a depressed person. You mentioned the one example of your fiance, I thought that was lovely. What other words or expressions help? I think many non-depressed persons would like to know, many do want to understand better and contribute to offering support.
I wish you better days, and, offer a strong hug.

[juice]

Your list made me laugh because my mother has said all of them to me at one time or another! There's a campaign at the moment with a poster appearing on public transport in the US. The posters say "You'd never say It's just cancer, get over it!" and I think that's the root of the problem. People who have never had depression don't know how awful this illness is, and that it's a killer.

I sent my mother a leaflet about depression but she still thinks I should just get over it, and the abuse I suffered as a child. Apparently I'm wallowing in it, it's not PTSD!

Sorry. Rant over.

So we should just pull ourselves together people and buy a new hand bag or something to cheer us up!

Or write out some positive affirmations

[Destination]

Wow, your list has really made me think. I mean I suffer from depression and I am still capable of getting frustrated with my daughter who suffers from depression also.

I have a thing I think should be added to the list:

"Don't give up."

While this statement appears to be positive in some ways, I have realized (just recently) that it could also be viewed as an accusation as well.

Its true, I don't want my daughter to give up. I don't want her to kill herself. I have often said "Don't give up." to her. But maybe what she hears is "If you give up, you are a loser." Maybe that is what many people hear when someone says that simple statement, all the while thinking they are being encouraging. And that is the last thing I want to convey to her! I want to be a loving and supportive parent, not a harpy from Hell.

[juice]

That's a really important point Destination. I don't say that to people because it sounds pressurized, and the last thing people with depression need is more pressure. It also feels scary, because it implies you think they may be at the point of giving up.

[riley]

Snap out of it
ugh, how many times have I heard that from my mother
she claims I'm escalating and that if she doesn't stop me I'll just go deeper into myself

What she doesn't realize is how much it hurts when she says that, as if I can control it.

Great post

[Fai]

I can identify especially with 5 and 6, because also professionals make those mistakes.

About 5: A lot of doctors, nurses etc. have reminded me that many things in my life are well, and I should concentrate on thinking about that instead of dwelling in the negative. I *know* that many things are well, but that doesn't make me feel better. That people tell me that it should make me feel better only makes me feel that I'm selfish and that in turn makes me feel that I'm not good enough and I'm doing everything wrong.

About 6: When I was in hospital they dragged me to all sorts of activities. I dreaded most of them so that only increased my anxiety. Many of the things also made me feel bad. For example I had to take part in "garden therapy" and there I saw flowers that had been thrown into the trash bin. THEY HAD BEEN THROWN AWAY BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH! Was that the message you wanted me to get, huh? Of course not, but that's the way I felt. And still I'm told all the time that I shouldn't just sit at home alone. OK, what should I do then? Go drinking in a bar? Huh. I can't think of anything I'd like to do outside of home, and I don't want to be forced to do something that only increases my anxiety. They say that things get easier as you practice them, and leaving home is one of the things that I should practice. I get that but right now I don't feel the strength to do that. This week I just argued about it with a couple of nurses who came to visit me. They just kept going on and on about it and finally I just started crying and hid behind my laptop until they left. And then I felt that I'm not good enough because I can't do what they ask of me and spent the next three days planning my next suicide attempt. GREAT IDEA to try to get me outside considering the result, absolutely frigging great.

[Destination]

(( huggles for Fai ))

[Fai]

Thanks Destination

I'll continue my rant a bit because today I'm angry rather than suicidal.

I'm often also told that "don't think so negatively of yourself" or "don't be so harsh on yourself". But you know, in the end those are accusations too. They aren't meant to be, but from my point of view, someone is accusing me of thinking or feeling the wrong way. At the same time I'm told that there are no wrong feelings, so there are sort of mixed messages here. And should I pretend to like myself when I don't? Not helpful.

And I also hate the "don't give up" thing. Because now that someone pointed it out, yes, it does feel like an accusation. I often tell people that I've already given up. Sometimes I've been told bluntly that well then we can't help you. True, I guess.

I've often been asked what should be said to a person who is depressed or who is seriously considering killing themselves. Huh, if I knew, then I would already have told that thing to myself. *I* don't know what should be said to me. And why do you point out to me all the time that I'm depressed? Is that supposed to help? Is that a crime? Why do you stamp a label on me all the time? What about writing "broken" on my forehead? What about shutting up for a while? Not that that would be helpful either, huh. So nothing is helpful. Great.

Perhaps I'm the only one who can help myself. But often I don't want help, I just want to die.

The only piece of advise that I've really found helpful is to concentrate on right this moment. Is something particularly wrong right now? Well no, not really. Then enjoy that instead of dwelling on the past or being afraid of the future. But it is difficult, and to a certain extent that is sometimes also pretending. There *are* things in the future that I should consider already. There *are* things in the past that bother me. You can't go on denying those things all the time. But you don't have to think of those things all the time, either. I've been told that perhaps I should try setting a certain time of the day when I can think of everything that is wrong. So instead of thinking it all the time, it would be sort of scheduled. Although it sounds like an odd idea in a way, it could also be something that works. But I haven't tried it yet. And feel guilty because I haven't tried it. HA HA HA HA, here we go again. Sorry about the maniac laugh, but sometimes I just can't help laughing at myself because the ways I think and act are often so stupid. And I think that being able to laugh at myself is a pretty good thing.

I don't know if any of that made sense, but whatever.

[Destination]

Yes, I totally get what you mean. It's like what I think or feel is wrong. Everyone says it is wrong. But I think THEY are wrong. There is nothing wrong with what I think or feel.

It's true that I don't want to feel sad or mad all the time, but I don't want to follow some 12 step program for getting better either. I think the only way I will get better is when I am ready to try something new and I'm just not ready yet.

The thought of going to a therapist or taking meds leaves me cold. I don't like the idea of going to a group here because I don't know who the people are. How can I be sure they will keep what I say private? What if they blab to other people outside the group?

I'm actually doing a lot better lately than I used to be. I'm not so angry all the time and I have days where I actually feel very happy or relaxed. Maybe for some people therapy works, or meds work for others, maybe doing nothing works. Sometimes only time heals a person.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't talk to therapists or take meds, only that those approaches don't work for me right now. Perhaps they will work when I feel ready to try those things.

(( huggles for those that want them ))

[Mikka]

Depression is a treatable medical illness. Most people respond to treatment and are able to bring their lives back into balance. If you’re not sure if your symptoms are part of your grieving or something more serious, seek the opinion of a doctor or therapist, early. Don’t wait for your symptoms to become severe.