Inward anger (need to get this off my chest)

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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Inward anger (need to get this off my chest)

Postby Tortoiseshell » Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:46 pm

Inward anger

Am I a sadist or something?! It's not like I get some kind of thrill out of self-loathing, but I literally cannot help myself, it's like an obsessive thing, constantly hating on myself. One of my friends actually told me I scared her sometimes. I know she knows i'd never harm her but when she sometimes looks at me she sees this rage-filled ball waiting to burst.

Well she's right. Not only did I get rid of my profile page on a certain social networking site recently, but last night I locked myself in my room and smashed up my mobile phone, cut up the sim and memory card and broke the rest of the cell to bits. Sure I wept. But it felt good. I'm disconnecting a lot lately. It feels like the right thing to do. They aren't bad people, I just feel as though they could do without me burdening them with my constantly confused state of mind.

Does anyone else get like this? Do you ever regret it? I've pushed people away to arms length before but this time it feels like I'm completely eradicating them. I just can't handle all the 'niceness' they ooze. I know, I should be grateful there are people who care. but it kills me and I'm not even sure why. I wish they didn't care. Their sympathy is not going to solve my issues- if anything it just makes me feel weaker.

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Postby hollyann » Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:47 pm

Hi again. I don't think you are a sadist. My anger has always been turned inwards to. I dont know how many radios I had that didn't survive when I was younger. I don't do it so much at times. I try to distract myself when I feel like that. Do something I normally would't. Find something to laugh at. You're their friend, you aren't a burden to them if the friendship is real, but Ive had the same worries too.

Leaning on others, it can make you feel weak, but truth is to lean on someone else, it takes courage and strength. Its just we live in a world where depending on others is seen as weak, don't let it fool you. Wishing they didnt care is part of depressions trick. It makes us feel that way, push them away. Because we think its easier, and we dont have to admit it to ourselves that way. Wishing you the best and hope this helps some.


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Postby Tortoiseshell » Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:29 am

Sadist was probably the wrong word to use, but I get what you are saying. I think sometimes I feel like I have brought on all my problems myself and somehow made them worse so I'm not worthy of help.

It's a vicious cycle when sometimes all u want is a hug but your brain is repelling against the idea like it is some kind of torture.

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Postby hollyann » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:43 pm

You're worthy of help. Everyone is. That's just another one of the lies depression tells us. It can be a very vicious cycle. I hope it gets better for you.


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Postby Tortoiseshell » Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:39 pm

Thanks for the replies.

(Apologies in advance for the length of this but I am just delighted to have a non-discriminatory outlet to vent on, even if no body replies)

Well I got an email from my friend today telling me how it upsets her to see me so down and that she wishes she could give me a shake and wishes I wouldn't cut everyone out when I feel like this (the usual best friend supportive stuff)

She kind of made me feel even worse though, by pointing out how many others have had a worse time than me, that I should give myself a shake and try to get help.

Whilst I have every sympathy in the world for others going through some major sh*t, that does not lessen my problems, as little as they may seem in comparison.

The thing that got me in to this mess in the first place was neglecting my own needs and putting everyone else in my family's feelings before mine.

So am I supposed to remain forever selfless?!! What the hell am I to do? I'm trying damn hard to regain some kind of control over my life but it's really hard when I realise I was never fully in control of it from the beginning.

I have been taking SSRIs since last summer- they have some good points, some bad. My ED is stil around, although I'm only bingeing now without the purging which is something...but I've quit going to the gym so you can imagine the whole self-image thing is even worse than ever at the moment. I got up at 3am last night (damn SSRIs messing with your sleep) and I swear I did not even know what day of the week it was (it took a short moment to remember I had work in a few hours)

Maybe I really do need a shake?!   

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Postby Obayan » Tue Mar 06, 2012 5:00 pm

We each have our own pain. It doesn't matter whether it's been 1 year or 50. It doesn't matter how old you are. Pain is devastating. And no one person's pain is more important or less important than anyone else’s. We are all valuable and we all matter.

We each have a different physiology and will react to the same meds differently. It normally takes on average about 6 weeks to feel the full affects of a med. There are some side affects sometimes, but they generally tend to go away. It takes a trained professional to find the right med/dosage/combination to fit your specific needs. Sometimes this does involve a period of trial and error until the right treatment program is found for you specifically.

Holly is a great one to listen to. Very smart that lady. :)

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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:15 am

((((((((((((((((( Tortoiseshell )))))))))))))))))))

Just sending a hug....

“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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Postby Mrsderby » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:02 am

I fully understand you. I absolutly hate it when I am telling my husband or my mother how I feel and they pull the "others have it worse than you" crap. Does not help one little teeny bit. But, you have to try to understand, in the only way they know how, they are trying to help. The heart is in the right place even if the mouth should stay out of it.

You do, however, have to realize that your friends and family (usually) really do care about you and hate seeing you like this. I'm sure you are a great person to be around or you wouldn't even have friends. They just want that person back.

Take a moment (or 2) and ask yourself exactly what you are mad at. Make a list. Write down everything you can think of. Then walk away from it. Find some way to relax for a minute. Then go back to your list. With as logical of a mind as you can go through the list again. Try to identify which of these items are real and which are simply emotions being fed by other emotions. Then take the ones that are real and identify if it is something that can be changed. If it cannot be changed, take it off the list. Then for the ones that can be changed, identify if it is in your control. If not, remove it from the list. Now you are left with a list (hopefully short) of real anger inducing items that are fully in your control to change. Now take one at a time and make a decision and a plan on how to change it so it no longer makes your angry. Then the work starts.

Too many times (like right now for me) we get angry over one thing and then the anger builds and spreads like a cancer until it completely over runs our lives. Take control. Trim down the list. Make it not so overwhelming. Then take steps to correct/change things.

One step. That's all you need to do today. One step. You can take the next step tomorrow. Don't let it all overwhelm you.

Sorry this was so long winded. I am a recovering extreme anger/selfhater/sometimes vilolent and destructive person. This is one of the things that helped me. Mayby it might help you.

Either way, keep coming back here. If for no other reason, there are nice people to talk to and no one ever judges you.

(((((( :lol: )))))))

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