Depression Understood Forums

The warm aspects of humanity, which are so necessary to living this life as a full being, are again locked away inside the machine.

The machine is a state of being that I often times find myself in. It is much like being locked inside of a gigantic, impenetrable robot suit with a stony, emotionless demeanor... Its face is one of compliance and diplomacy, the screams from inside seldom reach the outside world, the tears never breech the barrier of its false eyes. Within this all is lost, I am lost.

The benefits of being within the machine are there of course - Reduced injury from the myriad verbal slings and arrows that come my way for being 'non-standard' i.e. abnormal, it hides my shameful being from others, it offers up minimal offense to others at my expense of course - but this is no way to live. Sometimes I wish I could release myself from this machination and be able to live life as a full human, with its numerous pitfalls and offenses to others, but that thought gets discarded when I recall how other people have brought about unbearable sufferings when I have ventured from it...

Maybe the ultimate answer is to integrate further, mesh fully and become the cold man that all the women around here seem to want, the steely statue that cares only for his own hedonistic pleasure... The ultimate trade off, sale of my kind soul for the ironic chance of finding the love others take for granted, but never being able to fully enjoy it due to loss of my being. It's some sort of protection instinct the women here seem to have - Bad man "Good, strong man, rock solid", Gentleman "Weak, flaccid, embarassing" - which I as a living anomaly cannot seem to grasp...

That's part of the reason I created the machine in the first place, as a sanctuary.

R

I don't look for that "cold man". The man I need and want in my life, is warm, loving, caring, compassionate. One that isn't afraid to show emotions, stands strong and defends the relationship and me. One that offers a shoulder to cry on but also not afraid to cry upon my shoulder. To share good and bad times together as one, make and share memories.

As a woman I need and want the security of his arms, of his love. In life we all have the "ups and downs" but you learn from them, better yourself for the next time you dare to take that chance.

If I wanted a cold man, a man of steel, i would invest in a robot.

Truly sorry that your experiences have been as they have.

Warmie

I agree with Jeanie. I want a loving, caring man that is STRONG, yet sensitive. I want him to share my feelings, not just discard them as being silly or "estrogen overload".

I often think, as you do about woman, that I can't find my type of man. You are not alone in your struggle, as both female/male have trouble finding the right person for themselves.

Take care

Butterfly, are they out there?

Warmie