Depression Understood Forums

I don’t trust my thoughts and feeling. I am not suicidal!! It’s just when I should be sad, I am numb. When I should be angry, I rage and then pacify my feelings and/or thoughts as not important. When I should be concerned or worried – I could careless. When I should focus, my mind wanders. When I should just let go of irrational thoughts; I fixate on them like my life depends on it. And as for happiness or contentment – well lets just say in my dreams I am happy and all is right with me and my life.

I am sooo frustrated and confused in working my steps in order to deal with my depression and obtaining serenity within my life and emotional instability. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my emotions or what I am thinking at the moment. My thoughts zig and zag all over the place like one of those small orange rubber balls that once you throw are a pain to catch because you have no clue which way it will bounce back and then your climbing under the table to grab it but it has rolled to the other side of the room.

I am determined to concentrate on ME this year. Not in a SELFISH WAY but a SELF CARE way, of course I will care and love for my children and be the best I can be at work but everyone else in the world this year is being put on the back burner ( i.e. the rest of my family). Between therapy, Al-Anon, Nar Anon, ACOA, my co-dependency issues, being diagnosed with clinical depression and the last 35 years of my life and all its ups and down – I am losing my mind and DON’T trust my feelings or thoughts. I just want to find serenity – not happiness, not joy, not world peace. Just calmness with-in my soul where I am happy (content) with who I am and my life.

I wear my emotions on one sleeve and my demons on the other and in the process of being me I desperately try to suffocate my feelings/ thoughts/ emotions within my soul in order to make EVERYONE else in my world happy. “Don’t worry about me, I am F.I.N.E. ( f***ed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional)- This is why I call myself a Beautiful Disaster. I have a heart of gold, my intentions are pure and I love, care and give tremendously, I am hard working and believe strongly in "The Golden Rule". I try everyday to please everyone- because truly and sincerely YOUR happiness MATTERS to me, to show the world I am a good person, desperately in search for some sort of acceptance or I should say validation. And yet all I experience, see and hear is what else I could have done or how I should have done it differently OR the feeling I am invisible. Ok now I am starting to sound narcissistic and feeling guilty for feeling this way because that is not how I want it sound…. UGGGGHHHH!!!
No one goes around and says point blank bad things about me, at least not to my face and yet I have this irrepressible belief that I am not good enough, in ANYTHING… the way I look, my weight, my mannerism, my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, etc. etc. etc. and then I seem to fixate on it – like a mad obsession, making myself sick both physically and mentally.

Anyways I am rambling, back to my point. I don’t trust my feeling or thoughts!!! I desperately need to get better. There was a period of time where I was doing well – mentally and emotionally - my emotions did not overrule and manipulate my life and now I have spiraled out of control AGAIN.

I am losing my mind and my body literally aches because of it. I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry because I am too ashamed, humiliated, sad, depressed, angry, confused, frustrated and numb.

I know this is my journey to take, I know I am a good person and special – I keep telling myself that, now I just need to BELIEVE it.

No one goes around and says point blank bad things about me, at least not to my face and yet I have this irrepressible belief that I am not good enough, in ANYTHING… the way I look, my weight, my mannerism, my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, etc. etc. etc. and then I seem to fixate on it – like a mad obsession, making myself sick both physically and mentally.

I know how you feel. Everyone says i'm not, but i feel worthless. It the depression talking. Makeing us see things the way it wants us to. We have to fight back against that and see thru to reality.

I know this is my journey to take, I know I am a good person and special – I keep telling myself that, now I just need to BELIEVE it.

A lot of us here, including me, are walking that same road hon. We can walk it together.

sending you a warm hug and hope things calm down a bit for you soon.

I'm so sorry to hear you feel that way and that you are going through this but i would just like so say you have put into words perfectly how i feel and what its like to be in my head.
I struggle to express myself and how i feel i get embarrassed to admit i feel certain ways because i cant imagine anyone else feeling like that and i'm scared the doctor will think i'm weird.

To me it's always comforting to know someone else feels the same and that we are not on our own. Again, i am sorry that your are feeling like this. Like Obayan said, you don't have to take this journey alone, you have lots of support here and we can do it together

Genuinly thinking and praying for you.

Please do not be sorry, it is an internal struggle that I deal with everyday. I am doing better today then I was that particular day. I am very grateful for stumbling upon this forum and finding an outlet for the cesspool of feeling that consume and suffocate me on any given day. You are not weird and I am not weird – thank goodness; however I completely understand the feeling of embarrassment, humiliation, and the overwhelming fear of always wondering how other people will interpret MY FEELINGS and/or MY THOUGHTS; In addition too the frustration and fears and being extremely fed up of feeling this way and yet unable to shake it.

Thank you for your kind words and hopeful together we will find comfort and the serenity that we yearn for.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

beautiful disaster I am saddened to hear you go through the same feelings I go through, but I have to say damn you say it so well. I am staring at the page looking at your well thought and written words. I am sure there is joy in being able to write thoughts so nicely, Congratulations and here is to a better tomorrow.