Depression Understood Forums

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:23 am

**************** TRIGGERING **********************




gets even worse.

no ... did not lose temper again (lost it last night for the first time in 14 years) ... actually takes a hell of a lot for that to happen so no.

I could not write in HERE last night and wrote a blog instead ... too triggering for the site I think).

missy and I were talking last night and I have NO IDEA how it came out but she hates living with me and wants to go live with her dad.

now .............................................................. she wants to go live with a person who's never once in 13 years handed me a CENT towards the kids.
Their dad is a person who's not seen them for four years and not even called them to wish them Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. As far as I know he's away somewhere (I dont have a clue where) and has just disappeared.

I've lived in a house (right here) that I hate for 11 years now because even though I work for a darn good salary, it is very difficult for me to afford to live elsewhere giving the kids a good standard of living on my own, since he gives absolutely nothing.

I've gone days without eating breakfast or lunch at the office sometimes just so that I can give the kids money for school to get something proper to eat and also buy something good for her to eat when she walks across to my office after school.

Sabrina has stolen a camera and straightening iron (even though she has both these things right here already ) and I've had to face embarrassment beyond belief by taking her personally and making her own up and returning them back to the rightful owners.
I've had to deal with the stealing and of course I have to watch her every move like a hawk and I don't even want to see a strange pen in her possession that I know I certainly did not buy for her, her attitude towards authority stinks, actually no it sucks salt. Her attitude towards her schoolwork is so darned iffy.
The phonebill is five times what it used to be ... how on earth can I afford that??? yet she complains that I never have any money to 'do anything else' whatever that means. She seems to hate the day even before it's started properly.
where did my sweet baby go to?????

The kids have clothes on their backs and never once have they gone to bed hungry.

I'm the one that deals with the knocking of the pennies around to make ends meet ... grovelling to my mother to 'spot me a twenty' when I'm really down to nil or in a jam, I've not been to my pdoc for a month because I can't afford to pay her nor can I afford the medication, I'm the one dealing with the kids' pretween shit package that apparently is compulsory, I'm the one that fingers are pointed to by teachers, my parents and Thomas's parents when the kids slip up, I'm never the one that fingers are pointed to though when things go well (ironic huh?)

and now missy wants to go live with her dad.

Now .............. while I would love as usual to give her what she wants because I do NOT want to see my child unhappy in any way ... maybe I should take into consideration a few things ... he's an ex-con, his 'friends' are all ex-cons and extremely dangerous (no I am not making any of this up and I'm not being unfair or mean to him by saying that), he never wanted the kids (gosh geez there's so darned much into that which would make your head spin if I went into detail!), he doesn't care ... or maybe I should just be blunt and say he doesn't give a rat's ass or shit about anything else but him.


************ TRIGGERING *****************



I know that last night I lost my temper and I hit Sabrina.
I know it's wrong and I did not just hit her once ... I lost it and everything went black and there's no excuse or anything ... I just lost it and basically hurt the kid badly because I get freakishly strong when I am filled with monster rage.
I have NEVER ever ever done anything like that in my life. It's like I was pushed beyond my limit and little things plus little things plus more little things just kept adding up and I lost all control completely.

I know it wasn't the right thing to do. There's nothing I can do or say to either take it back or justify it.
I don't know if she's told me she wants to go live with her dad as a way of 'lashing' back at me now ... but it darn well hurts.
She hates where we live, she hates how we live, she hates also that I'm always sick and crying and she wants a fun mom .... I cannot be that all the time, can I?

Likewise ... I know I hurt her last night not only physically but emotionally too.
I've never done that.

I've got a monster migraine right now, I've vomitted all night, blood is coming through my nose and mouth and my eyes are swollen and looking like ping pong balls on my face.
I'm not going to work today cause I don't care ... my anxiety has blown a hole through the sky and I have zero energy to fight it. I just want to be left alone on my bed or somewhere I dunno.

I just dont know what to do right now. I think I want to run away and hide and never come back but I know that's not the right thing to do ... kids have one parent that's already done that ... though it doesn't make any difference cause in the end it seems that the parent who's done and still doing all the sacrificing gets wooded.

I know I'm probably going to get labelled and flamed because I hit missy. Can't say I don't care cause obviously I do but go ahead anyway ... I don't deserve any better at this point cause I really did not and am not handling the situation well.

xxx Lisa xxx

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:18 am

1. BREATH dear
2. Yup gonna flame you and label you, cause I ALWAYS do that


Tigger
xxxxxxxxx

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:23 am

lol ((((tiggs)))) if you weren't on my IM right now helping me to keep my head above water I might just believe that LOL

xxx Lisa xxx

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:28 am

te he, you know me better than that madam, but I'm just making a point that VERY few people here are likely to either flame OR label you. I bet many many parent has done similar and felt just as awful about it afterwards too

Sue
xxxxxx

Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:16 am

(((Lisa))))


To be honest, Kiddo wouldnt be normal if she didnt push you to the max at some stage, and you wouldnt be normal if you didnt react and lose it with her at some stage. Just maybe not to that degree. Every mother and child have had moments where the very sight of each other is enough to put them into a fit of rage. Please, please understand that you are not alone there. Lucy is three and she tells me she hates me. lol. Sometimes I have to walk away. Other times im in an IM to ducky losing the plot because I dont know how to handle it and a three year old is getting to me! I think its a kid thing..lol. In saying that, perhaps you did go a bit overboard, when hitting her over and over again. Its also very easy done when in a fit of such rage. Not a good thing at all, but easy done.

Lisa, there have been so many times, and still are and will be lots, when I just cannot handle lucy. I cant handle being around her for that moment, and I lose it. I have yelled, I have smacked (not often, but I have popped her on the legs etc) and yeah, Ive lost my temper with her. Why? Because she pushed my buttons one too many times, when I was already at a point of breaking. You know, when ya have kids, it changes you in so many ways, but it doesnt automatically deem you someone who doesnt get mad, angry, hurt or extremely patient. You are still human and you have your wonderful qualities, along with the mistakes you make also. You feel like you have made a mistake, I know you feel incredibly bad about it, but now is the time to do something about it also.

One day last year, me and luce were in the supermarket and she decided she wanted a chocolate frog. As she had already had one, I said no. Well, I was holding her hand and she started with the tantrum and collapsed her legs. I took her weight, she twisted and it dislocated her elbow. I felt so so horrible, like I had really hurt my child. How could I do that?, was all that went through my head and then I started on myself as a bad mum etc etc etc. Ask Tigger, she had to constantly repeat to me that I wasnt a bad mum!! But anyway, I took her to the hospital and you know what the doctor said when I told her what I was thinking? She said that this was quite common and happened the same way it did with lucy ALOT. Suddenly that 'bad mother' thought I was having lifted. I felt badly for my daughter, but no longer blamed me. Its just one of those things that happens, its nobodys fault.

Although this situation is different, Sabrina pushed you to the point, where you couldnt take anymore. Along with the stresses of everyday living with a typical teenager, what she said about going to live with her dad would have struck a chord in you and became the straw that broke the camels back. Im not excusing what has happened (your blog) but Your children seem happy, healthy and content. Sabrina is testing you. Seeing how you react, and watching you bite back. I know you feel bad, but shes ok. This time. Shes not in ICU. She will get past this, as will you. BUT, you need to find alternative ways to deal with this anger of yours. Being angry is one thing, going overboard is another.

Lucy isnt a teen, nor do I have one, so Im only going by what I think I would do in the same situation. Personally, Im a letter type person. I would write her a letter. Explain to her that you dont hate her, and you never will but that you hate the way things are between you when its like this..that you dont like the decisions she makes to behave like this etc. but ALWAYS remind her you love her..and unconditionally. I would write your concerns to her about living with her father, and WHY they are your concerns. But most of all, I would remind her that these concerns are not done out of spite to your ex , but out of pure concern and love for HER. Then just leave it on her pillow. She will read it, and in her own time take it in. Until then, give each other space. Both of you cool down a bit and when the time is right, sit her down and talk calmly, also apologise.

I know you feel bad about all of this, but try to remember, your not alone in it. Perhaps you did go a bit far with her..perhaps you lost it a bit much and yeah it probably scared the crappers out of you both. Perhaps work on getting yourself booked into anger management classes?

Oh, please remember that I dont have a teen, so I cant possibly know what its like to raise one, but these are my thoughts only.

Love ya and hang in there,

Sarlu

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 7:15 am

Lisa, I've now had time to think this through some, and wanted to leave you a long reply, that hopefully you will find helpful.

First hun, I wanted to say that I'm not in anyway condoning what you did. To be honest, it doesnt' matter HOW bad your daughter behaved, what you did was wrong, but I know you know that.

missy and I were talking last night and I have NO IDEA how it came out but she hates living with me and wants to go live with her dad.

I would say here hun, that I'm assuming this was in the heat of the argument. This is something teens do!! When I was younger, I said "I wish you weren't my mum" or I would threaten to leave home. I've even heard of people leaving the house and coming back sheepishly a couple of hours later. She was hurting, she probably wanted to hurt you too, and KNEW that saying she wanted to live with her dad would wind you up! Lisa, when this happens, when she says stuff like this try not to take it personally. Resist the temptation to get into an argument with her, she's the kid, YOUR not.

now .............................................................. she wants to go live with a person who's never once in 13 years handed me a CENT towards the kids.
Their dad is a person who's not seen them for four years and not even called them to wish them Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. As far as I know he's away somewhere (I dont have a clue where) and has just disappeared.

I've lived in a house (right here) that I hate for 11 years now because even though I work for a darn good salary, it is very difficult for me to afford to live elsewhere giving the kids a good standard of living on my own, since he gives absolutely nothing.

I've gone days without eating breakfast or lunch at the office sometimes just so that I can give the kids money for school to get something proper to eat and also buy something good for her to eat when she walks across to my office after school.

I don't think all this has anything to do with this particular argument, but when you are in a bad mood, and she's in a bad mood, she wants to be ANYWHERE but home at that time. Another time (not in the heat of the argument) ask her why she wants to go and live with her dad. Assure her that you love her, and you would miss her. DO NOT tell her "well thats just not possible, and you know it". Let her talk about what is so hard at home. Lisa, without being rude, it cannot be easy living with a mum up and down like you can be at times, have you ever allowed her to express her feelings on that to you?

Sabrina has stolen a camera and straightening iron (even though she has both these things right here already ) and I've had to face embarrassment beyond belief by taking her personally and making her own up and returning them back to the rightful owners.
I've had to deal with the stealing and of course I have to watch her every move like a hawk and I don't even want to see a strange pen in her possession that I know I certainly did not buy for her, her attitude towards authority stinks, actually no it sucks salt. Her attitude towards her schoolwork is so darned iffy.
The phonebill is five times what it used to be ... how on earth can I afford that??? yet she complains that I never have any money to 'do anything else' whatever that means. She seems to hate the day even before it's started properly.
where did my sweet baby go to?????

The stealing to me sounds like COMPLETE acting out. Again, try and be calm in these situations. Ask her why she took them. Maybe even ask if she is angry with you.

Discuss the money situation with her, she probably needs to hear just where the money goes. Talk to her about the fact that with the phone bill, if she uses all the money on that, you aren't going to have money for anything else. Does she get an allowance? If she does, decide how much she can spend on the phone each month and then make her pay anymore than that out of her allowance.

Now .............. while I would love as usual to give her what she wants because I do NOT want to see my child unhappy in any way ... maybe I should take into consideration a few things ... he's an ex-con, his 'friends' are all ex-cons and extremely dangerous (no I am not making any of this up and I'm not being unfair or mean to him by saying that), he never wanted the kids (gosh geez there's so darned much into that which would make your head spin if I went into detail!), he doesn't care ... or maybe I should just be blunt and say he doesn't give a rat's ass or shit about anything else but him.

ok, I'm gonna be mean and direct here!!! Rather than throwing a hissy fit, step back, take a deep breath and ASK her gently, with no hint of accusing in your voice, why she wants to go live there. Say something like "why do you want to go and live with your dad? Do you really want to, or is it just that you are finding it really hard to live with me anymore?"

With regards to what you did to missy, Lisa, you know that was wrong. You lost your temper and in your rage hurt your daughter. It is a one off, but you MUST discuss it with someone. Also, you MUST find ways to stop that happening again. Slam doors, throw plates (but not AT your daughter!), do anything but touch her. If you need to, walk away, lock yourself in the bathroom. Just have a plan of what you will do if you ever feel like that with her ever again. Yes it was a mistake, yes it was a one off, but you MUST not do that again, NOT EVER. Please take away any "justification" for what you did. Hun, that does come across in your post "yeah I was wrong....but she pushed me, but she wants to live with her dad" etc etc. Two wrongs never make a right, PLUS you are the ADULT in this relationship.

Hun, it is hard living with bipolar. I have lost my temper before now, kids have driven me to the edge, but I will walk away if its too much. No they aren't my kids, and I think that makes it easier, but you need and exit stratedgy!!

Lisa, I do love you. I believe you and your daughter will get through this. But please, learn to hear her, learn to hear what she is REALLY saying, not just the words she is saying. Learn to read between the lines, learn to calmly hear what she has to say. Lisa, you talk a LOT!!! I like that about you actually, BUT, do you find it easy to shut up and listen?

There are various activities you could try with your daughter, get an egg timer, give it to her. When she has it and starts it, ONLY she can talk, when the egg timer is finished, she stops, passes it to you, and its your turn to talk. Whilst she has the egg timer and its her turn you must not say a WORD. You can nod your head, but NO words!! It is possible to shush for 2 mins, honest . It will stop the shouting over the top of each other, and may help you both to really share.

Hope some of this helps

Love
Sue
xxxxx

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 9:49 am

(((((((((((((((sarlu))))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((((tigger)))))))))))))))))))

what on earth would I do without the both of you?

Just a bit of an update ... bit much so can't go into too much detail.

We're doing pretty good considering the big blow out. BOTH of us are trying ... I did go to my GP yesterday and he told me he'd like me to give the depakote 'another try' but this time without the anti depressant (which increases my mania) or any other benzo other than xanax which I have been back on since last week of December.

There's a wad of a lot of stuff to be worked on ... missy and I spoke so of course I NOW understand where she is coming from. I have to work also on my social anxiety also to get my act together ... really to be fair ... Sabrina's been more the adult here (which is downright shameful I know) but I'm working on it.

It is a bit much having a mom who has a 'bed butt magnet' ... poor kid

Honestly, my pdoc is going to have her hands full from Thursday onwards, between my anger issues and anxiety issues but that's what she's being paid the big bucks to help out with right?
oh! pdoc is out of the country at the moment, thats why I've gotta wait until Thursday ... gives me some nice timing to be gawkishly sick probably with the meds

as I said .. there's a huge lot going on but nothing bad ... just too much to go into detail right now.
Everyone's doing as fine as we could be right now and there's no tension lurking around anywhere cause we've both spoken openly ... this is just the start but its really not a bad start.

xxx Lisa xxx

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 10:51 am

you know, i've seen this post on about 3 sites at this point so i'm just gonna say this:

get help.
________
Dodge Tomahawk History

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 1:27 pm

(((((((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))))))) glad to see you are getting some help. Good that you've seen your dr

Love
Sue
xxxxx

Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 2:02 pm

(((((((((((((( Lisa )))))))))))))))) i'm glad that you are taking the steps you need to get help for yourself and your children.

Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:21 pm

((((((Lisa + ALL))))))

I've been away for a few days, and so it seems only left to say that I agree with all the great thoughts that have been written above.

I hope you're able to take the next step Lisa. I'm sure you will so this doesn't happen again.

Stephen.

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 3:35 pm

((((((((((LThomas))))))))))))))

Wondering where you are, are you all right?

Love to you

Warmie

Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:13 pm

((((((((((((((((warmie))))))))))))))))))

I'm here ... been some ups and downs but generally been doing just sorting out some stuff.

xxx Lisa xxx