I'm doing well at the moment i'd say, and when i am doing well, usually i cannot imagine or remember ever being so low or just how much that pain and ache can feel so physical. Similarly when i am at the bottom i cannot ever remember or imagine what it feels like to feel okay. But reading my old posts has really enlightened me, and im starting to pull together the two extreme opposites of my 'self'. The good and bad, the depressed and happy, they are starting to come together. I mean, only a month and a half ago i had posted this:
"its getting stronger and taking control and i know this because i dont care. i want it to take over. i want it to help me hate myself. i want to be so consumed in self hatred that i feel nothing but a cold black screaming flame inside me. silent rage. i do not feel. im not even tired of the game of life anymore. i just dont care."
I had even forgotten i had posted that. Really it is interesting for me to look back on that as a date in time, and see how far ive come. But more interestingly to me, is that it is helping me understand how just because i am feeling okay, does not mean i wont get bouts or even extended periods of depression again, but that that is alright. I know for a fact i had periods of feeling well, before i had written that post.
Happiness and all good things are not eternal things, but its helping me realise that the depression isnt either, and both are just okay! The post above that i posted in june, it proves to me clearly, that the depression will not last forever, even if at the time i really could not see a way out.
I've been 'dealing' with this depression nearly 7 years now, but only 'treating' it professionally the past 2. I've had tremendously dark times, and i think it would be foolish of me to think they are gone forever. I think that is what mistake i used to make. I would get an ounce of happiness and hold onto it with all my grip and rinse it dry till myself, was all wrung out. Now i am finally seeing the effects of my counselling as i delve deeper into reflection, and gain further insight into myself.
For me, its about understanding my depression, not just resisting it. Understanding it and being kind to it, and myself. I hadn't realised that until just this sentence!
I really just wanted to thank everyone that has ever enabled me to get to the place where i am today, and your future selves who will further enable me. The depression-understood folk, along with my counsellor, and myself, really have helped my begin to understand my depression! And what a difference that understanding makes.
Im just feeling very grateful. Thank you, always, to all
jj
