My depression first began two years ago when I had to live with my dad. He and my mum have been divorced for about eight years, and he'd recently remarried to a younger wife. I had to move in with him as my mum had gotten a new job in a new city temporarily, and the only way to prevent myself from having to move school was to stay with my dad and make a two hour journey every morning and evening to and fro from his house to my current school. I felt bad not being happy for my mother - the job oppertunity was great, but my dad doesn't really know me well and is very strict. I never really grew up with him, he only had me and my sister over two weekends every month since his divorce with my mother. As well as that, he had always made it clear that his new marraige and new life are none of my bussiness. I used to ask him about how things were going, what he'd been up to etc and he was very evasive and vague. Also, he never mentioned to me or my sister when he had a new girlfriend on the go. He never even asked how we felt about him proposing to his new wife, he just mentioned it casually one day. And, to top it off, he considered backing out of the engagement and we had to convince him to go through with it! So already I felt the new living arrangements were going to be hard to ajust to.
Then, through out the year of my mum working in a different city, i started to feel very icsolated. Dad did not let me go see movies or hang around with my friends after school, yet he worked late too, so I had to wait at the train station or find a way to entertain myself untill he could pick me up from wherever. This meant I woke up at six in the morning and only arrived at his house after six in the evening. I was exhausted, being only 14 at the time, and I felt very alone. My friends were very supportive, offering to let me stay at their houses whenever i needed too, but I felt like i wasn't pleasant company and I didn't want to burden them. My mum, who visited me everyweekend when she could, suggested i go and see the school counciler. I agreed, and talking to her about the situation helped, but i felt i could not be completely honest with her. The truth was i had many moments of near suicidal thoughts. I'd imagine just taking a knife and slitting my wrists, or hanging myself. I thought it would be akin to eternal sleep.
After that year passed I was happy to be back home but my relationship with my parents became awkward. My dad now knew me a lot more than he had before, and I think blamed me for putting some stress on his new marriage. Once more, him and his new wife were trying to conceive - something I couldn't understand as he was now 50 years old and in no way could i imagine him looking after a new born. But his wife was only in her thirties and she deserved a child of her own. They were on IVF treatment, but it failed. I could tell my father was not keen to try again, and kept putting off other attempts at the treatment. I felt this veyr much echoed his behavior towards his engagement. Again I kept my opinion to myself - his life, as he so eloquently put it, was nothing to do with me.
Then, myself, my father and his new wife went on holiday. At first it was nice, because I have a phobia of going on planes and i was insainly happy that I had conquered my fear. But my happiness didn't last long. Dads wife was very tempermental and moody, and kept reprimanding my for small things like not saying thankyou to the waiter - even though I had. When i looked to my dad for support, he just looked at his hands and acted like I didn't exhist. It hurt me so much, but I did not want to cause a fuss so I stayed quiet. I went back to the rented apartment myself while they went for a walk, but I knew when they came back that they had just been talking about me. The next say was when we were flying back, and dad's wife was snappy and condiscending to me, asking why I was in a mood and telling me that I'd ruined the holiday. She kept on talking about me never having to go on holiday with them again, and, AGAIN, my dad just sat there. The flight was horrible, because I felt so scared but I didnt turn to either of them, they were clearly angry towards me. I managed to get my mum to pick me up from my dads as soon as i got home. My dad didnt even hug me goodbye.
I've not properly spoken to him since then. He refuses to bring up the issue but complains about me not filling him in on aspects of my life. I did not feel comfortable inviting him to parents evening and understandibly he became angry, but he took it out on my mum instead of talking about it to me. When it was time for my exams he never wished me good luck, or even bothered to remember the dates and times i would tell him about. Our relationship has severely diteriorated, and I can't say I'm desperate to fix it. I feel this horrible hatred towards him. The holiday was about eleven months ago.
The situation with my dad made myself and my mothers relationship worse as well. I spent more time alone and depended on her a lot more. She was frustrated at me for not making more of an attempt to make up with my father but i could not get over the humiliation of the holiday. It made me feel hollow inside, and i often thought cruel thoughs about my father dying - its disgusting i know but at the time it brought me an odd sense of satisfaction. Truelly every time i imagined it, i never felt bad or a sense of loss like i should have. I felt vacant, like i would not care if he died, as though i might even prefer it.
My mother and me have always been close. She was given full custody of my sister and i after the divorce, and as she was a single parent i am proud and amazed to no end at her capability and intelligence - she managed to complete her training to become a doctor like she'd always dreamed of. But her long hours meant I was often home alone, especially when i moved back in with her after living with my dad ( my sister was abroad in France being an au pair ). I did keep company with my friends a lot, but theres times when you just need your mother, you know? And even when she is home, her boyfriends always here (he's really nice though, I have no problem with him whatsoever, and he makes her so happy) so I feel bad if i take up her time.
Recently, she's started to make me feel really stressed, and I'm not sure what to do. She complains about money a lot, and although she says I shouldnt worry about it, what else am i meant to do? She makes me aware of how much shes spending, and how much shes in debt, mentioning things like how shes recentley remorgaged the house to pay for my sisters student loans for Uni. She even mentions how little my dad contributes, and again i feel partly to blame. And during exams, when i was stressed I tried not to show it for everyone elses benefit. After they were done, I was so happy, yet I didnt feel well. I was exhausted and tired constantly - but i also had terrible trouble sleeping. This meant that i began to sleep in late a lot, but my mum thinks its deliberate. Its anything but.
She began to realise that i was very very lonely, and bought a puppy for the family as a treat. His name is Richy, and he's one of the very few highlights in my life. He's like my baby, I'm so protective of him
Yet the bad sleeping pattern makes my mum think that I'm being lazy and she keeps threatening to give him up. I swear I'm not lazy, but exhausted. I've been tested for anemia, but the results aren't back yet. My mums now been shouting at me all the time, and treats Rich better than me. She has moments of being so nice, but then she'll flip. Sometimes the things she says to me hurt more than you can imagine. She's said things like she wishes she'd just die, and how she doesn't want to be a parent anymore. Now i just don't say much around her. Its like walking on eggshells.
To top my story off, I've been suffering from other personal problems. I've recently become very anxious whenever I leave the house, and I hate being outside for long periods of time. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to go outside - another thing my mum thinks is lazyness. It's not. I feel scared, like somethings going to happen and like everyone is staring at me. I feel lost, sometimes literally.
I had a shoplifting problem. It's stopped now, since I go out less, but I used to steal sweets and things from corner shops and jewellrey from hightstreet shops whenever i went shopping with my friends. I still dont know why i did it.
I'm exremely self conscious, mostly because of my ethnicity (my parents are both indian) and also my very short height, I'm barely five feet and almost sixteen years old. I've suffered through bullying in the past for my race, but i thought i'd gotten over it. I guess not.
I sometimes burst into tears for no reason other than feeling alone. I want someone to just hold me, but i feel like theres no one who will. I have no self confidence, but its weird, I remember when I was young i was so confident and sure of myself. Now I am just socially awkward.
I've never been kissed, but all of my friends have. Infact, a lot of them have already had sex (though I'm quite certain I am not ready for that). This just adds to the idea in my head that no one will ever want me, for any reason.
Basically, I just don't know what to do anymore. I've started to have more suicidal thoughts, and although I don't see myself following through, I am annoyed that Im even having them in the first place. I've felt really depressed for a while now, but I can't talk to my friends or family about it. Which is why I am here. If someone could just please talk to me and help me figure out how I can help myself, that would be great.