So lost and so tired

[RecycledCindy]

After my husband of 21 years demanded a divorce over our car being repossessed I moved in with my parents. Pathetic, at 45, to be living in my parents house again, sharing a bedroom with my 19 year old daughter. I left everything except my clothes when I moved out of the marital residence. I didn't want any of it. It had no meaning if the life we built together was no longer there. All that "stuff" was procurred for our life together.

I went off my meds after moving out, not intentionally at first. I simply couldn't remember when I had last taken them and decided it didn't matter I felt good. I have a significant other now who is determined to help support me in my depression and help me to cope without the meds if that is my wish. He likes me this way, not the flat me on meds, but the me that has actual highs and lows. I like this me too, however, I am sinking lower and know I can not do this without the meds. I will have to go back on them.

I find myself distancing from everyone. Thinking about not being around. Toying with ideas of suicide. I do have a therapist I see, I won't tell her of the suicidal thoughts as she has already stated that she will not/can not keep those things confidential. I am not going to commit suicide, its like having a toothache, you have to explore that tooth with your tongue even though it hurts. Exploring thoughts of suicide to me are like checking how very deep I am sinking. I don't want her to think that I am indeed going to kill myself, because things would be blown completely out of proportion. I am going to let her know I will be going back on my meds, she feels I need to be on them, that my depression is biological, not stress related.

The funny thing is that my soon-to-be-ex was always adamant I take my meds. Even after he seemed to forget anyting about depression and disconnect from me, he always insisted on the meds. The people in my life now feel that the meds are unnecessary.

I am just so very tired of the struggle to maintain things, lost on my own again after having spent half my life with that man. I feel things unraveling around me again, I see the spiral downward. I just am so tired of fighting it and being "damaged goods".