Battle of the Mind *trigger*

[failure]

for the past two years i have been suffering from depression. last year i was suicidal
tho as badly as i wanted to end my life i did not have the courage to do it and was worried
that i would be defying god as my deprssion got worse i was at a dangerous low point in
which i desperately wanted to commit suicide i even told my doctor that i wanted to offer
a hospital all the money i had left in my bank account just for them to put me to sleep
ending my life and be left for god's judgement. doctors have tried to help but i feel drugs
does not work only sometimes but its not a cure. my parents have done all they can for me
and i love them but like an alcoholic the buzz is only temporary then wears off and reality
sets in the same goes for suffering of depression. i kno that their are people suffering
far worse than i am and those stricken with disease but suffering in the mind is very
difficult to deal with and a constant battle of hurt and memories that cannot be erased.

[Eric0620]

Hi my friend. I don't know what your real name is, but rather than me refer to you as "failure" how about I call you "devastated" instead?

I went through a lot of crippling depression, too, but as I often have a terrible habit of doing, I isolated myself and hid everything from everybody. I'm not suggesting you do that at all; quite the opposite. Talking about it here is one good step in the right direction, and I know there are chat rooms here 24/7 where you can talk to someone immediately. It's really not about who hurts worse --- all that matters is that you hurt, and you hurt now, and need help. I know you'd like to have the memories erased, but actually I myself never want to have my memories erased of my depression and suicide attempts for a couple reasons. None being that I'm an emotional masochist, but that I need it to steer me away from going down that road again, and also being able to share and relate to others going through the same thing. If you haven't seen it yet, please take a look at what I posted early this month in this "Your Story" section. For what it's worth, it might help since there are some similar feelings shared. There are many other posts by other people that are very helpful, and they've helped me, too.

Take care, devastated.

Sincerely,
Eric

[failure]

thank u for ur response i wil check out ur story and greatly appreciate ur suggestions again thank u

[Obayan]

Hello failure. I'm glad you found us here. Lots of great people (like eric) who truely have a good heart and want to help. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you. We also have a chat room here that might help some too. Please remember that we all have a different physiology and meds will react differently for each of us. I wish there was one set cure all we could turn to but there isn't. We just have to keep on trying until we find whatever works for our specific needs.

[failure]

thank u for ur response i do greatly appreciate it