Deppression ,through my eyes

[xken728]

When i look in the mirror today ,i see a man who is not so grey looking
and feels ,well quite happy ,this has been my state of mind for around 3 days now .
My lovely wife Fran has been feeling ok ,and she has been enjoying the sun ,looking tanned and happy because her husband is on a little high .
We both know this could end at anytime ,tommorrow i could look in that mirror and see the dark face of deppression and all its demons looking back at me ,But ive made plans for tommorrow ,my day off work .
So good or bad they will not be spoilt ,
If deppression shows up tommorrow then it looks like coming to the super market with us !
Many years ive suffered like this ,not knowing what the next day will bring ,Oh yes ive layed on the settee ,wondering how i,ll get thru the day ,ive felt hopeless and alone even though ive had my loving family
around me , Im a lucky man, Fran and I have been married for 31 years
we dont have much money but we have what we need ,Our love has been strong for ever ,and when i look at Fran i feel like i could cry .
And my deppression ,we,ll its a very cunning creature it can without effort make everything i have seem worthless ,it can take my emotions and mix them up so badly i dont know were i am ,it can take me to the floor and make my cheeks burn with the tears that run down my face .
It can make me look like death is close by ,and only darkness and despair can i see thru my eyes .
It is with me now as i type ,but today it is i who have control ,so it must walk with me now and when i kid about and make Fran laugh,i hope it feels some pain ,as i feel when the roles are reversed .
Im making the most of today and tommorrow ,and if deppression returns
and makes me pay then i may suffer the pain .But i know one thing for sure my day will come again .I made a promise many years ago .
My life is a gift to my wife ! And my soul keeps her Warm and makes her feel safe.
How could i possibly be beaten xn728
Tommorrow will be such a good day Fran Love Boo

[CrispyRingo]

xken728,

I look in the mirror and find myself staring at this sickly, horribly deflated figure with darkly rimmed eyes and pale skin. Other days I think, this is going to be OK. But I always warn myself against getting too happy about these "happy" feelings when they come, because something, somewhere, always manages to push my face into the dirt again. Whenever I feel a high coming on, I swallow it to try to avoid that terrible dissappointment.

I want you to know that I understand, and that you have your wife to help you through. You are lucky you have someone you love and who loves you to stand by you when you are depressed. Don't worry, things will start to look up. They did for me, and I'm certain they will for you too. Feel free to let those happy feelings carry you out of depression, even if they are momentary.

Your friend, CrispyRingo

[xken728]

Thankyou CrispyRingo, these are kind words ,and it good to know you understand ,in understanding how i feel you must also understand your own illness ,witch is also good it will make you stronger and help you cope in bad times ,My Wife is very understanding ,but it hurts her because she feels helpless against an enemy she cant see
take care and welcome to the forum , best wishes Ken and Fran

[CrispyRingo]

Thank you for the encouragement, xken728. Remember that your wife shouldn't feel helpless, because if she knows you love her and that she loves you, she is giving the best help of all. Love and care always help. I get that she might feel saddened by the way you feel, but gracing you with her love is wonderful, and she shouln't feel that it is her fault.

CrispyRingo

[xken728]

CrispyRingo ,Thankyou once again for your concern ,ive looked at what you have posted to others in your short time here,and you have a eagerness to help and comfort others ,
My deppression is very complex ,and ive been like this for 40 odd years now ,so the chances of things getting better are very slim ,you have been thru much yourself and i suspect that you do have an understanding of how others suffer ,save your kind words for others here , you will make many new freinds im sure of that ,I to had many kind words for my freinds once ,but now i feel nothing ,i have nothing to offer ,each day i struggle to carry out the normal functions of a human being.
I have spent my life looking for the answer ,searching in the darkness for the thing that will set me free ,But now there will be no more searching ,
Just the need to survive . There are others here who are more needy of your kind words ,and im sure they would be lifted by them ,
Im bitter angry and selfish now ,and only come here to catalouge my slow destructive decent into deppression ,maybe pushing away is all part of the plan .
I will survive this ,my family love me , And i made a promise to my Wife more than 30 years ago ,and i will never let her down .
Dont waste your time with me . I have Withdrawn.

[CrispyRingo]

I'm very sorry to hear that. The road you have walked sounds like a long and difficult one, 40 years is a long time to be suffering from depression. My struggle does not seem as great as yours, and I may not be able to completly understand, but I know one thing.

I don't waste my time with anyone who needs or wants my words. However, I know what it is like not to want help, and to isolate yourself from others. I know it seems like there is no hope for you, and as you said, the chances of recovery are slim. But as hard as it may be to believe, there is hope for everyone in this world, no matter how unrealistic it may seem. You can leave depression behind, and live instead of just survive. It won't be easy, though. Seeking help from organisations like BeyondBlue and LifeLine are the first bold steps.

I also know what it feels like to feel ... nothing. It's like an emptiness that resignated through your body, through your bones. Sitting in a room, looking around, I felt something deeper than sadness, like I was in a deep dark pit, and there was no way out. It felt like family and friends were making it worse, so I pushed them away too. I became detatched from everything, a shadow of my former self. It's painful, I know. It still haunts me today.

If you wish to use Depression Understood to record yourself, that's fine, and I won't try to stop you. I just wish I could help. Your family and friends sound lovely. It's great to have people who love you to soothe your mind and heart.

"Live long and prosper."

CrispyRingo

[xken728]

I was careful in the words i chose in compiling the last post i wrote ,
stating kindly that i had lived with this dark sentinal for so many years that ,even though your words were very kind ,they would be better spent on someone else ,
Having read your reply to this its seems you undertsood what i meant without taking offence .
But using the term (If you wish to use Depression Understood to record yourself, that's fine, and I won't try to stop you.) Makes me feel a little uneasy ,i wonder what it is exactly you could do to stop me !
On occasions here i have for one reason or another got in trouble for ,,,,,
Well lets say the serpent does and can have a nasty tongue, and i will not upset my freinds here again by losing control,
You have a good way with words use them here on the forum ,dont waste them here ,Now pass me by XN728

[CrispyRingo]

I'm sorry if you misunderstood me when I said that, I didn't mean to make you uneasy. I meant that it makes sense to me why you would want to document your depression on here. Of course, I can't stop you, (and I wouldn't if I could), but I think it's OK if you would rather use the site for just that. It is understood you are in deep waters. It is said that the tongue is the most vicious weopon, and it's hard to control your anger when you can't even control your own emotions, speaking from experience. Nothing you can say will be taken the wrong way with me, and I won't get angery if I misunderstand something someone says.

But it was wonderful speaking to you, XN728. I learnt alot. Take care.
CrispyRingo

[xken728]

I must thank my very good Freinds for all their support during my time on the forum .
But im Afraid i dont feel comfortable here anymore .Best wishes xn728,
Ken.