In another post, I wrote that I felt I was better off when I stopped expecting my loved ones & in general people to understand/care about my depression.
Here is why I am really feeling this way lately more & more.
#1
The other day, I ended up fighting with my mother because I lost it temporarily but still in a controlled manner. She calls me because she's in the store & as I pick up the phone, she starts griping:
"You say I never pick up any thing for the house blah blah blah blah blah"
^--- (up arrow) Let's replace 'never' with 'hardly ever', & we have the truth right there. So really she had a problem with me telling the truth & . ~shrugs~ This is something she has done for years.... She almost always only buys what she likes to drink/eat, knowing that she usually has it to herself because no one else in the house uses it (e.g. Arizona Tea, corn chips, etc.).
She did another gripe somewhere in the conversation, but I forgot what it was right now....
That was the 2 things that annoyed me, right off the bat.
We continue on & she starts doing her 1,000-questions-of-death routine, which is the 3rd annoying thing as well.
(What she does is ask me question after question after question after question, almost non-stop & even asks repeat questions after I've already said what I'm going to say on it.)
In the same conversation, she starts being really indecisive. I am not there in the store to even really understand what it is she is trying to say to me. I tell her I don't understand. She doesn't describe it any better for me to understand
The indecisiveness is the 4th thing that annoyed me. She does this all the time, & I keep telling her to make her own decision. (Why must I always decide or do whatever it is?!)
& when it really got to me, I told her not to call me back with it & not to bring any thing for the house, since it is such a problem. It was a, "Continue doing what you were doing & how you were doing it." & I was done & hung up.
Why was I so thoroughly annoyed? It was 1 of the few days I wasn't sick AND I was in a pretty good mood & here she came with this bunch of negativity, trying to ruin my day. Let's just say I did not respond too well to it.
#2
Before that incident, some time in one of those weeks a while back my mother came in the house & totally ruined the atmosphere with her bad mood. She's been doing this & constantly taking things out on other people for years....
I do my best not to do the same & am usually not that way. That's part of why I have my post in the Phobia section.
There was nothing any one else in the house could do to help her. She wouldn't even really talk about it. Every thing was a problem that day. It was as though I was experiencing the nitpicking of life....
Usually what I do is remove myself from it, whether it's going in my room.... going down the road.... going on the computer.... etc.
When it isn't this, she is usually very inconsiderate, usually bombarding me with something just as I get up for help with something. A good 5 minutes doesn't usually ever pass, without an " I need help with this or a come a moment that".... (I'm usually not very coherent just as I wake up. I'll usually just grunt or make a sound to answer a question. It's that's bad.
)
Of course, I stand up for myself & let her know I can't come & do whatever it is she wants me to do right this minute. Still, it takes its toll...
#3
Just this morning, close to just as I woke up, I went on the computer to check on my Windows XP slipstreaming project because I'm working on a slower computer than the desktop (hopefully to save myself some grief in the long run).
I wasn't sitting for very long when my Dad sort of like barked at me, shortly after my brother called him on his cell phone. I didn't do any thing to provoke it. He was really stressed out, having angst over going to his stepsister's funeral, my mom's upcoming surgery, probably my brother & I, & the fact that he wanted to take a trip to Puerto Rico (finally do something for himself), but on the news, it is said that they are protesting right now, so his hopes for that were just dashed. I told him to take some time for himself, as he usually does not (aside from going for his morning walk or going down the road & sitting under his favorite tree or something like that).
Nevertheless, he was like, "& you need to pick up your clothes" blah blah blah blah.....
There was nothing wrong with what he said, but it was his tone of voice. I really had to ask him: "Are you really talking to me that way?" ??? I was seriously surprised. I reminded him that yesterday, I also said that I would pick up the clothes on the floor today, even if I didn't go back to the laundry today.
(What's left are clothes I'm throwing away, but will wash first, towels, sheets, & a few pieces of clothes that I don't really know what to do with at the moment. I might just put them in the pile of clothes to throw out in the end....)
Now... my clothes probably didn't belong on the floor on the porch. However, let's take a look at what I did yesterday. Yesterday, I went with about 4 or more loads of clothes to the laundry & successfully completed the task without a hitch.... I was able to do so because I took the huge task, which is my fault that it's huge any way, & broke it down into smaller pieces that was more manageable.
Alright, so I left some of my clothes on the floor on the porch. The porch by the way is an enclosed one that's on the 2nd floor or upstairs part of the house. I only took up a small part of the porch with what I was doing. I was beat when I got back from lifting & whatever else it was I was doing & did not push myself to go out onto the porch to do any thing more.
Some time yesterday, my stomach got sick. I had some serious gas/bloating, gas pain, & diarrhea probably from being hyper (due to being in the busy laundry with people) & not realizing it. I went & dealt with that & finally my stomach quit lurching shortly before I went to bed....
Did I get a pat on the back for any thing or a "good job; keep it up; you can do it"? NO. Was I expecting one? NO. But biting my head off for some clothes I left on the floor, considering the circumstances? I'm sorry; I wasn't ready for that 1.
I did not sleep well last night, tossed + turned & had some bad/strange/high intensity dreams. I woke up in the middle of the night, stayed up for a little while, & went back to sleep. The high-powered dream continued. I woke up with a headache & tightness on the left side of my head.
When I was sitting down at the computer, I wasn't really doing any thing on it much. I was just sitting there trying to catch myself for a moment. (The laptop was on the table. Go figure: It probably shouldn't be there either...)
I am also on my period (menses). I am usually a wreck when I have it & often want to kill myself, shortly before it comes. That's how I know I'm getting my dot now... ~shrugs~ (like I know what's up with that....)
It has been less severe lately & doesn't happen any more. Now, there is just a physical manifestation (stomach problems, not being able to eat, etc & that usually goes on for close to about a month before the thing will just show itself).
I managed to do better this time. I've been functional for close to the entire time I've had my period this time & even prior to it. I cleaned my space, moved around the heavy furniture, & planned a layout that finally works for the side rooms. I am almost always in pain when this accursed dot is here, but did I complain? NO. Did I make it any one else's problem? NO.
I KNOW I did a dang good job this time & that all I need to do is to continue on my path.
& here they come.... trying to rob me of my joy.... Not some outsiders, but "loved" ones....
The bottom line: I need to get out of here FAST!
All of this is very good, though. I am seeing. I am understanding that I don't want them near me. They are becoming seriously bad for my health. I know that I can choose my reactions, my feelings, etc. but they are helping to kill me.
& when my emotions die & I become an empty shell & I've had enough & I erupt on them, I will have accomplished the destruction of my "unnecessary, extra-sensitive" self that may need to occur in order for me to move on with my life.
When it comes, I may be gone from here & never return to my hometown or even call, even if it kills me. (What is death, any way?) They will not see it coming. I am so angry I wouldn't mind punching them in the face. I am gritting my teeth as I write & crying at the same time, which, to me, is funny because why am I crying? I stopped crying a good while back now.
My goal is to become the reaper of my own world & of my depression, & I am getting there. TO HELL WITH THESE PEOPLE. & so you now know the reason behind my words for lots of things I have been saying on here & the reason for my fiery nature.
I broke, but I am still standing. I broke, & it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I'll be good in no time.
My Dad did apologize about 3x, but I still don't want him or my mother near me. I am just tired of it, but I'm not going to worry because I won't have to take this much longer.
Moving away is starting to really appeal to me more & more. I am usually a different person altogether when I'm away from my hometown any way.
I'm just trying my best. That's all I can do.
