Hi all. I am new to here, but the emotions section is what immediately caught my attention.
I feel the pain, loneliness, confusion and every other emotion that you all have mentioned.
Im young, 19 to be exact. Up until this year, for the most part I have been extremely happy. I was the girl everyone wanted to talk to, everyone wanted to be with and the girl that could make everyone smile just by being me.
Since then, alot has changed. I am lost in my own head. My body and mind is numb. I have lost all of my friends, the desire to be out as most people my age yearn for. I have lost the interest to be intimate with my boyfriend.
I am beyond numb. To be awake burns me inside. There is a constant fire torching my insides to the point of getting sick. Night time is far worse though. My depression and anxiety take over in the evening. I get to the point that my mind screams and my body hurts. I am terrified to go to bed. The thought that everyone around me is sleeping, that they arent able to know I am alive has me balling everynight. I shake, scream, vomit, everything because I am so scared to fall asleep.
I think Im so scared to sleep because I know that tomorrow will be here when I wake. Tomorrow is as traumatizing as tonight.
Im hurt. Im scared. Im confused. Im alone. My world spins and I cant breath. My medicine doesnt work and counseling brings on panic attacks.
I am so alone in my own head I dont know what to do. Please, someone help me. I need to know that someone was here, in this spot, thinking these thoughts and got back to the amazing, happy person they were before depression and anxiety took over their life. Please help me.
Be my spark that ignites my light.
Im alone with plenty of people around me. It needs to stop..
I need to stop hurting... help.
Im so lost ( Trigger?)
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Hi. I wish there was a quick fix available out there to us, but there isn't. It takes time and hard work. Therapy is hard at first, but if you talk to your counselor, let them know what is going on, they may be able to help. As for the meds, we each have a different physiology and will react differently to the same things. So sometimes it does take a trial and error phase to find the right med/dose/combo that fits our needs. There is also a chat room here where you will find many good people in the same situation you are in.
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
Hi (((( Caitlinslost )))), welcome to the forum! 
Well, I'm not sure that I can plausibly claim to have " got back to the amazing happy person " that I was before " depression and anxiety took over " my life. That would imply that I was, in fact, an " amazing person " to begin with. And, to be honest, I'm not at all sure about that ever being true...!
Seriously though, ( After that little bit of " truth in advertising " in the above paragraph...), perhaps it might help you if I told you a little bit about my own recent experiences of anxiety and depression?
I've always had a tendency towards anxiety and depression, which I've managed to cope with, ( If not always particularly well or wisely.... 
) until June 2009. Then, due a combination of a couple of bouts of physical illness, a previously undiagnosed genetic blood disorder and pressure and stress at work, added to my underlying depression and anxiety, one weekend I pretty much performed the emotional and physical equivalent of an airliner ploughing into a mountainside...! 
By Saturday evening I was so anxious I literally couldn't stop pacing long enough to sit down and watch TV. Let alone concentrate on anything like watching TV or reading a book. I went to bed, and managed a certain amount of rather agitated unconsciousness for a few hours, ( I'm not sure that it could acurately be described as sleep! ) The next day I was worse. My anxiety had increased to a feeling of inexpressible, indescribable terror, as if something worse than I could imagine was inexorably closing in on me. ( That's the closest I can get to it in words. ) I was so anxious and depressed that I couldn't imagine coping with those feelings indefinitely, to the extent that I was getting strong suicidal feelings.
Some part of me, ( Some residual, rational corner of my mind? Or, was it just sheer animal survival instinct? ) realised that I was in a really bad way and NEEDED professional help. I hung on to the idea that if I could hang on until Monday morning I could see my doctor and get help.
Fortunately, by the Grace of God I'm registered with a really good group practice. And, first thing Monday morning I was able to see a very good doctor there, who I knew and trusted enough to really cofide in about just how desperately bad I felt!!!!
She referred me to a psychiatrist within 48 hours, who was, in turn , able to get me help from the mental health professionals in my part of the city, and with a lot of help from them I started putting myself back together again...
So...Yes, (((( Caitlinslost )))), I have been in such a dark, terrifying place as you describe...But, by the Grace of God and with a lot of help from the NHS, I have lived to tell the tale, and to start rebuilding myself, my life and my future. ( Perhaps, not a dark place exactly the same as yours. ), but a place nevertheless so dark and terrifying, a place where I thought such thoughts that made it hard for me to even cling on to the idea that I could ever have a future, a place where I thought such thoughts that even now I work at challenging and guarding myself against, ( Oops, watch this space... I'm going to have to come back to this...technical fault in the library computers...back soon...I hope! )
Well, I'm not sure that I can plausibly claim to have " got back to the amazing happy person " that I was before " depression and anxiety took over " my life. That would imply that I was, in fact, an " amazing person " to begin with. And, to be honest, I'm not at all sure about that ever being true...!
Seriously though, ( After that little bit of " truth in advertising " in the above paragraph...), perhaps it might help you if I told you a little bit about my own recent experiences of anxiety and depression?
I've always had a tendency towards anxiety and depression, which I've managed to cope with, ( If not always particularly well or wisely....
) until June 2009. Then, due a combination of a couple of bouts of physical illness, a previously undiagnosed genetic blood disorder and pressure and stress at work, added to my underlying depression and anxiety, one weekend I pretty much performed the emotional and physical equivalent of an airliner ploughing into a mountainside...!
By Saturday evening I was so anxious I literally couldn't stop pacing long enough to sit down and watch TV. Let alone concentrate on anything like watching TV or reading a book. I went to bed, and managed a certain amount of rather agitated unconsciousness for a few hours, ( I'm not sure that it could acurately be described as sleep! ) The next day I was worse. My anxiety had increased to a feeling of inexpressible, indescribable terror, as if something worse than I could imagine was inexorably closing in on me. ( That's the closest I can get to it in words. ) I was so anxious and depressed that I couldn't imagine coping with those feelings indefinitely, to the extent that I was getting strong suicidal feelings.
Some part of me, ( Some residual, rational corner of my mind? Or, was it just sheer animal survival instinct? ) realised that I was in a really bad way and NEEDED professional help. I hung on to the idea that if I could hang on until Monday morning I could see my doctor and get help.
Fortunately, by the Grace of God I'm registered with a really good group practice. And, first thing Monday morning I was able to see a very good doctor there, who I knew and trusted enough to really cofide in about just how desperately bad I felt!!!!
She referred me to a psychiatrist within 48 hours, who was, in turn , able to get me help from the mental health professionals in my part of the city, and with a lot of help from them I started putting myself back together again...
So...Yes, (((( Caitlinslost )))), I have been in such a dark, terrifying place as you describe...But, by the Grace of God and with a lot of help from the NHS, I have lived to tell the tale, and to start rebuilding myself, my life and my future. ( Perhaps, not a dark place exactly the same as yours. ), but a place nevertheless so dark and terrifying, a place where I thought such thoughts that made it hard for me to even cling on to the idea that I could ever have a future, a place where I thought such thoughts that even now I work at challenging and guarding myself against, ( Oops, watch this space... I'm going to have to come back to this...technical fault in the library computers...back soon...I hope! )
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
Sorry (((( Caitlinslost )))), ( All)...
The good news is just as there was a way TO the spot where you are now, there is also a way FROM it, a better road for you to travel, a road to better feelings and better times.
The first question I asked the consultant psychiatrist, with overall responsibility for my case, was had he EVER known ANYONE in as poor a mental and physical state as I was to recover at all? I was so anxious/depressed/exhausted I had trouble imagining even the possibility of recovery.
I remember his reply so clearly...He said that in his experience, 10% of recovery was what he could do for me, 90% of recovery was about me deciding to fully engage with my treatment and the help that I would be given, and that where a patient had made that committment to fully engage with their recovery.
To me, (((( Caitlinslost )))), I would suggest that the fact that you looked for and found this website, read the posts, and posted yourself, ( And, posted so clearly and cogently, I might add, ) is clear proof that you ARE just as capable of finding your way out of where you are now as I was, or anyone else is.
Yes, as (((( Obayan )))) says, there are no quick fixes, and it will take hard work. And, although you alone can do it, you DON'T have to do it alone. But, people have been where you are, if you look hard enough, you will be able to see their footprints leading AWAY to better times. I promise!
The good news is just as there was a way TO the spot where you are now, there is also a way FROM it, a better road for you to travel, a road to better feelings and better times.
The first question I asked the consultant psychiatrist, with overall responsibility for my case, was had he EVER known ANYONE in as poor a mental and physical state as I was to recover at all? I was so anxious/depressed/exhausted I had trouble imagining even the possibility of recovery.
I remember his reply so clearly...He said that in his experience, 10% of recovery was what he could do for me, 90% of recovery was about me deciding to fully engage with my treatment and the help that I would be given, and that where a patient had made that committment to fully engage with their recovery.
To me, (((( Caitlinslost )))), I would suggest that the fact that you looked for and found this website, read the posts, and posted yourself, ( And, posted so clearly and cogently, I might add, ) is clear proof that you ARE just as capable of finding your way out of where you are now as I was, or anyone else is.
Yes, as (((( Obayan )))) says, there are no quick fixes, and it will take hard work. And, although you alone can do it, you DON'T have to do it alone. But, people have been where you are, if you look hard enough, you will be able to see their footprints leading AWAY to better times. I promise!
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