Coping with a bi-polar bf? Advice wanted.

[sadcat]

My bf of a year said to me that he was diagnosed as bi-polar a couple of years ago before he moved out to Los Angeles. He said he didn't like the doctors nor the meds he was given in is hometown and thought they were "crap" and weened himself off of mood stabilizers. He said he didn't think he was bi-polar, rather depressed after a bad divorce. When drs in his hometown said that he should have his med recs transferred, he refused.

We have discussed the possibility of him being bi-polar before and I never thought he was; but rather depressed. A few weeks ago he told me that he thought he needed to talk to someone and that he needed medication. I gave him a recommendation for a psychopharmacologist that my own therapist recommended. He has said that he would, but not made an appt due to a lull in his insurance. It's been nearly a month and his mood has turned from cranky to major mood swings (starting fights with me, yelling in rage, not being able to calm down, and then moment later being calm and then talking about benign subjects like work).

He's never been physically abusive, but I feel demoralized with the constant hounding. I really can't say for sure whether this is him, or him as a person who should be on meds. What are the signs? How quickly could bi-polarism worsen? I know everyone is different, but I'm at a loss of what to do and quickly wilting watching and enduring pain.

Please help.
Sad Cat

[crystalgaze]

Hello Sad Cat! It's a rough time. Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it!

What I would like to ask you is: What do you do when he starts fighting with you, etc.? Do you stand up for yourself right then & there? & how?

Please post back.

[sadcat]

Thanks for your response, Crystalgaze. I hope you had a nice holiday, too. In terms of my relationship, I guess the answers are all moot since he and I broke up the day before Thanksgiving. Even tho we're apart, my caring does not stop and so I guess that's why I'm replying to your post.

When we did fight, I did stand up for myself then and there, but his default is anger, so whatever I said was eventually subdued by his volatility and defensiveness. He had never hit me, or made me feel like he would, nor would he throw or punch things, but his words were searing. Through my own work in weekly therapy sessions, I learned how (as best possible) not to react to him and his anger. I likened him to a rollercoaster - exhilarating and thrilling at times, but at other times - terrifying with each unpredictable twist, turn and loop. I would squeeze the rollercoaster tighter b/c of all the uncertainty, leaving him feeling smothered. I was in the process of letting go of the rollercoaster (not being reactive) and figuratively landing on a cloud. That visualization seemed to help me tremendously and when his hounding became more intense, I would excuse myself - sometimes trembling or in tears just to remove myself from any more lashing.

The old way I would defend myself was to be reactive and not ever yell or curse like he would, but to firmly defend myself. I am not known to be a shrinking violet, but I would inevitably end up inconsolable in tears. I took a trip on the "crazy train" twice - begging him to listen to me or I would do something drastic. I learned from this mistake and desperation and recognized how awful the threat was. There was no intention to harm myself (nor did I), but he didn't know that. I was so insanely desperate for him to stop yelling and listen to me that I went there and it no doubt, proved irreparable and contributed to the demise of this relationship.

After months of weekly therapy, the desire for that action was no more because it was plainly dysfunctional and b/c of the intense pain it caused both of us. As mentioned, I was successfully learning how not to react to his volatility and mood swings. I learned to remove myself physically from the situation if it became too tense. I learned to separate my feelings from his - meaning, if he wanted me to board the rollercoaster, I did not have to. I don't know if it was a successful "skill" but I learned to lower my voice even more, in the hopes that he would follow suit. That would only work, when he had eventually calmed down.

Does any of this make any sense, Crystal?

Please post back.

[crystalgaze]

Hey again! ((((((((((( sadcat )))))))))))))) Just a hug for you.... I know break-ups are rough.

Maybe the time apart will help you. Also, after the roller coaster you describe (& that was a great way of putting it, by the way), you may very well need a moment to recover from the ride or the effects from the ride.

What you said made sense to me. It sounds like the skill you were learning is about being more aware of the choices you make--that even boarding the roller coaster can be a choice. (It doesn't have to be automatic.)

If your therapy is helping you, then it may be best to continue it.

Although you may love him & care, it may be best to be apart. Maybe if you get in another relationship, aim for a guy who will not shout or argue. I also had to work on my tone at some point, like you were doing. I found those relations where I didn't argue/shout/etc. to be the ones in which I was happiest.

I managed to find a few of them & they were just great. I know with one of my friends, he normally talks loud, but he's not shouting or arguing. I always thought he was, but he wasn't.

I hope my post was helpful to you! Take care & chin up!