New to this whole site and very uncertain how or where to begin. “Expressions” caught my eye and my consciousness has been streaming …
I’m so alone I can’t even use metaphors. They are far away from this place. It’s just me, and darkness. I’ve been swallowed whole, again—waiting for this thing to spit me out. So I can try and find the pieces to assemble my self again. My spirit has been broken, again.
The wind whips around corners, blasting me in the face, stealing my breath, freezing tears to my cheeks. The sun doesn’t shine here. Everything is gray, or yellow with age and inattention.
I can’t control my emotions anymore. I’m so tired of betraying them publicly. But I’m powerless, weak. They control me.
Nowhere to go with the pain, the emptiness that fills me every day. So sad to waste this life by dreaming of ending it.
Alone with Loneliness
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
hello oneway
my dear freind oneway ,how did you know i feel all these things you write about me ?,,thats right your description about yourself ,is much the same as mine ,so you see your not alone with these feelings ,we share many here ,this forum you have found is a warm loving place ,you will soon have many new freinds ,and the support and kind words you recieve ,will
help you grasp the fact that you will no longer travel this road alone ,we
are many on this journey ,,and if you stumble ,we will reach out and catch your fall ,,,feel the warmth of the forum around you ,and you may
feel a little better ,,,welcome home hugs xn728
help you grasp the fact that you will no longer travel this road alone ,we
are many on this journey ,,and if you stumble ,we will reach out and catch your fall ,,,feel the warmth of the forum around you ,and you may
feel a little better ,,,welcome home hugs xn728
In my opinion you have done very well in letting us in a little to your life. You are an excellent writer.
Go back and read your first post.
In the few words that you wrote I (as if anyone can feel someone else's pain fully) could feel that you are hurting very badly.
Keep coming back and letting us know what is going on with you. Once you post you become a part of our depression family. We are quite unlike blood relatives. It is often said that you are stuck with your family, but we are able to pick our friends.
We will keep reading.
Go back and read your first post.
In the few words that you wrote I (as if anyone can feel someone else's pain fully) could feel that you are hurting very badly.
Keep coming back and letting us know what is going on with you. Once you post you become a part of our depression family. We are quite unlike blood relatives. It is often said that you are stuck with your family, but we are able to pick our friends.
We will keep reading.
TAKE YOUR TIME
(((oneway))) just take your time ,,no rush ,we are always around at sometime ,and will look for your words ,,glad we could make you feel welcome ,,this is a large family ,and you will soon settle in and get to know us ,,,,best wishes for now ,,,hugs xn728
oneway,
I know that it is sometimes hard to know where to start when you might be describing a battle with depression.
Sometimes I can't even turn on the computer, let alone thinking about writing to someone about my innermost thoughts.
Now, much to the chagrin of some of the members of the forum, I find days that I just sit down at the computer and let the words come out. I turn off that darn editor in my brain and just type.
I am sure that a lot of times, that I don't make any sense but it gives me a sense of calmness just to know that I am writing to friends.
To me, that is the nice thing about posting to a forum. People have the choice to read what I write or just press that delete button. From the support I have gotten from this group it seems that the delete button doesn't get pushed too often.
It will be the same with you. As you get to feel a little more comfortable posting here we will all look forward to learning more about you.
Don't worry about how much, how little, or how often you write. Whether you start at the beginning, the middle, or just how life is going for you right now.
Your thoughts and feelings are safe with us.
Sleep well.
I know that it is sometimes hard to know where to start when you might be describing a battle with depression.
Sometimes I can't even turn on the computer, let alone thinking about writing to someone about my innermost thoughts.
Now, much to the chagrin of some of the members of the forum, I find days that I just sit down at the computer and let the words come out. I turn off that darn editor in my brain and just type.
I am sure that a lot of times, that I don't make any sense but it gives me a sense of calmness just to know that I am writing to friends.
To me, that is the nice thing about posting to a forum. People have the choice to read what I write or just press that delete button. From the support I have gotten from this group it seems that the delete button doesn't get pushed too often.
It will be the same with you. As you get to feel a little more comfortable posting here we will all look forward to learning more about you.
Don't worry about how much, how little, or how often you write. Whether you start at the beginning, the middle, or just how life is going for you right now.
Your thoughts and feelings are safe with us.
Sleep well.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
(((((((((oneway))))))))))) your writing is so poetic and rich. I have found writing to be a catharsis sometimes, gaining a little relief when I share my feelings. Journaling or posting here might help a little. I also do little things to comfort myself in my pain, whether an iced coffee or hot bubble bath or listening to music, whatever little things I do to ease my suffering in the slightest, it helps me get by sometimes moment to moment if getting through the day is more than I can manage. Do you have any little treats or things you can do to comfort yourself?
Do you have pets or is a pet possible for you? Sometimes a fellow living thing to connect with that doesn't judge you and to care for can comfort us so much...I know when I had pets they were a lifesaver for me.
Sometimes connecting with people can make us feel more alone, but in the long run I think it helps a good bit. Even simple things like engaging in idle chatter with the clerk at the grocery store and forcing myself to smile at passers by gets me out of myself for a moment and focused on another, a connection with a fellow human being. Joining a club, political group, house of worship, etc., whatever interests you and can help you connect with people and socializing for me anyway seems easier around an activity I have interest in. Volunteering also helps me when I can manage it, as it takes me out of myself once again and momentarily puts my trouble in different perspective.
Gratitude helps me cope too. Whatever little things I have to be thankful for...heat, a roof over my head, food, my eyesight and hearing...sometimes if it I get to listing I can go on and on and it helps me cope, realizing everything is not as dark as it feels.
I have decided to re-read Viktor Frankyls "Man's Search for Meaning." In the forward Nietzsche is quoted, I paraphrase, "The one who has a WHY can endure almost any HOW." Finding something that gives life meaning, a reason to keep enduring the suffering that is my life, is my current quest. I've lost basically everything that gave me that meaning, but it doesn't mean I can't somehow come up with some goal, some sense of purpose...do you have anything, faith, a goal, a passion, a loved one? Can you think about what might inspire a passion within in you, something you enjoy or to give you a light of hope within your darkness?
I don't know if any of what I've posted is of help...but sometimes the best we can do is cope. Medicine for me provides little relief, I cannot afford therapy and when I did it before, it helped only a bit...every person has to answer the basic questions for themselves because the answer isn't the same for all of us as to what makes life not only worth living, but brings back to our lives tastes of true joy and inner peace...hoping you find that something and look forward to reading more of your posts when you are able...
Do you have pets or is a pet possible for you? Sometimes a fellow living thing to connect with that doesn't judge you and to care for can comfort us so much...I know when I had pets they were a lifesaver for me.
Sometimes connecting with people can make us feel more alone, but in the long run I think it helps a good bit. Even simple things like engaging in idle chatter with the clerk at the grocery store and forcing myself to smile at passers by gets me out of myself for a moment and focused on another, a connection with a fellow human being. Joining a club, political group, house of worship, etc., whatever interests you and can help you connect with people and socializing for me anyway seems easier around an activity I have interest in. Volunteering also helps me when I can manage it, as it takes me out of myself once again and momentarily puts my trouble in different perspective.
Gratitude helps me cope too. Whatever little things I have to be thankful for...heat, a roof over my head, food, my eyesight and hearing...sometimes if it I get to listing I can go on and on and it helps me cope, realizing everything is not as dark as it feels.
I have decided to re-read Viktor Frankyls "Man's Search for Meaning." In the forward Nietzsche is quoted, I paraphrase, "The one who has a WHY can endure almost any HOW." Finding something that gives life meaning, a reason to keep enduring the suffering that is my life, is my current quest. I've lost basically everything that gave me that meaning, but it doesn't mean I can't somehow come up with some goal, some sense of purpose...do you have anything, faith, a goal, a passion, a loved one? Can you think about what might inspire a passion within in you, something you enjoy or to give you a light of hope within your darkness?
I don't know if any of what I've posted is of help...but sometimes the best we can do is cope. Medicine for me provides little relief, I cannot afford therapy and when I did it before, it helped only a bit...every person has to answer the basic questions for themselves because the answer isn't the same for all of us as to what makes life not only worth living, but brings back to our lives tastes of true joy and inner peace...hoping you find that something and look forward to reading more of your posts when you are able...
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darklight32
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:07 am
- Location: In Here
Alright 
Shatteredhopes, this is very good advice. Thank you for offering it, and for your kind words. And thank you darklight32, for your encouragement. It’s been frustrating me lately that I’m aware of the things that will help ease my pain, but physically, I still can’t bring myself to do any of it. It’s like being trapped in a glass box. I can see the key—just out of reach—but I’m still stuck, and I’m constantly reminded that this box is locked.
I can’t force myself to smile, or talk to anyone really, outside of work. I’ve isolated myself from my family and the few friends that I have. My interactions at work have become cold and impersonal in the guise of professionalism, as I try to hide my illness. It makes me feel hollow inside, and still, I worry that people can see right through me. At the same time, it feels like work is all I have. I go home, and feel empty again.
I’ve forced myself to try and exercise this week, but my muscles have atrophied and I get tired so easily. I try to write, but I get frustrated when the right words won’t come. I try to read, but lose focus. I don’t trust people and all my relationships seem to have fallen apart. I can’t find any simple pleasures. I'm way too hard on myself and won't accept credit for any accomplishments. Lately, all of this has filled me with anger, jealousy, resentment, anxiety and desperation.
It seems I’ve lost that meaning, that reason to endure the suffering. I’m not sure where to even look for it anymore. These clouds have been lingering for a long time now. I need some sunshine.
I can’t force myself to smile, or talk to anyone really, outside of work. I’ve isolated myself from my family and the few friends that I have. My interactions at work have become cold and impersonal in the guise of professionalism, as I try to hide my illness. It makes me feel hollow inside, and still, I worry that people can see right through me. At the same time, it feels like work is all I have. I go home, and feel empty again.
I’ve forced myself to try and exercise this week, but my muscles have atrophied and I get tired so easily. I try to write, but I get frustrated when the right words won’t come. I try to read, but lose focus. I don’t trust people and all my relationships seem to have fallen apart. I can’t find any simple pleasures. I'm way too hard on myself and won't accept credit for any accomplishments. Lately, all of this has filled me with anger, jealousy, resentment, anxiety and desperation.
It seems I’ve lost that meaning, that reason to endure the suffering. I’m not sure where to even look for it anymore. These clouds have been lingering for a long time now. I need some sunshine.
GIFTS
oneway ,we will try and help you attain that key ,we can help you with our kind words ,but you must find the will,and strentgh to go on ,,the
darkness is very cunning ,and it will make you blind ,,,close your eyes and look with your mind ,,now you see! look how far you have come ,,
the depression that trys to destroy us gives us weapons ,,little gifts if you like ,,look deep inside your self ,,you have already got the gift of compassion ,,find the others my freind they will serve you we,ll
hugs xn728 xxx
darkness is very cunning ,and it will make you blind ,,,close your eyes and look with your mind ,,now you see! look how far you have come ,,
the depression that trys to destroy us gives us weapons ,,little gifts if you like ,,look deep inside your self ,,you have already got the gift of compassion ,,find the others my freind they will serve you we,ll
hugs xn728 xxx
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((oneway))))))))) it is the catch 22 of depression, we often know the things that might help our depression, but the depression itself prevents us from doing them often.
For me, its baby steps. I used to love to read and yet my concentration is just not there. So I decided to make it a goal to read a book no matter how long it took. So I would read just a page or two at a time, come back later, read another page or two, didn't matter if I retained much, just get through it. Then I started to enjoy it. And taking it slowly, finished it and then finished another.
You exercised! That's great! You are right you don't give yourself enough credit, don't beat up on yourself for doing only a little, be proud that you did ANY which is more than I've done lately...even though used to enjoy it and exercise can help so much with depression and yet I haven't done any in awhile!
You are working, managing a job. That's more than I can do right now, so be proud of yourself!
Something suggested to me, that helps a little, write down your accomplisments everyday, at least two more if you can...even if its something as simple as taking a shower or bath...sometimes even that's a huge feat for us...
I hope you are seeking help from mental health profession...sometimes medicine or therapy can help just enough to break a whole in the glass barrier you describe...and a little improvement is still improvement! We might gain some momentum from there...
I know what you mean about trust and relationships, I have that too, big time...but don't be so hard on yourself. Isolating often accompanies depression and yet you are reaching out here to make new friends. That's big, in my opinion, for I know posting anonymously has been a comfort to me, and this forum and the chatroom often help me a lot...talking with those who understand and can relate.
Don't worry too much if you don't have a big goal or meaning right now, I don't either, but am hoping that will come in time, and as Tacking in the Wind of this site always says, sometimes just little things to look forward to to get us through. Can you find something like a gourmet coffee or television program or old movie you can enjoy? A long hot shower? Some really good chocolate? Classical music or old rock and roll? Reading warmsoul's corner here the jokes she posts and actually laughing or smiling? Sometimes the small things are the only thing that carries me through without self-harm, sometimes I don't enjoy them so much, but they still distract or occupy me so carry me through, at least have so far.
So even though it took me forever to read those two books, I did it, and just bought 7 more. It may take me the rest of the year (lol) but I will finish them. That is my goal. You are getting through working, you are exercising, you are doing some things to help yourself even though you don't feel like it and it may not be helping too much in ways you can see now, but that's huge that you are even taking those big steps. That's a lot more than many of us can do, myself included. And you are writing here, so you are writing, even if its not the sort of writing you are capable of when feeling better...its a start. Do you know after posting here for a while, I got up the courage and recently published an op-ed that was about 4/5 the newspaper page with graphics from their file? It took a while, but our strength can grow...so just baby steps...write here...if you like creative writing check out the artistic expressions on this site. Maybe that will inspire you....your writing is so beautiful, I bet you are a creative writer at heart...
Wishing you light and peace in your day...
For me, its baby steps. I used to love to read and yet my concentration is just not there. So I decided to make it a goal to read a book no matter how long it took. So I would read just a page or two at a time, come back later, read another page or two, didn't matter if I retained much, just get through it. Then I started to enjoy it. And taking it slowly, finished it and then finished another.
You exercised! That's great! You are right you don't give yourself enough credit, don't beat up on yourself for doing only a little, be proud that you did ANY which is more than I've done lately...even though used to enjoy it and exercise can help so much with depression and yet I haven't done any in awhile!
You are working, managing a job. That's more than I can do right now, so be proud of yourself!
Something suggested to me, that helps a little, write down your accomplisments everyday, at least two more if you can...even if its something as simple as taking a shower or bath...sometimes even that's a huge feat for us...
I hope you are seeking help from mental health profession...sometimes medicine or therapy can help just enough to break a whole in the glass barrier you describe...and a little improvement is still improvement! We might gain some momentum from there...
I know what you mean about trust and relationships, I have that too, big time...but don't be so hard on yourself. Isolating often accompanies depression and yet you are reaching out here to make new friends. That's big, in my opinion, for I know posting anonymously has been a comfort to me, and this forum and the chatroom often help me a lot...talking with those who understand and can relate.
Don't worry too much if you don't have a big goal or meaning right now, I don't either, but am hoping that will come in time, and as Tacking in the Wind of this site always says, sometimes just little things to look forward to to get us through. Can you find something like a gourmet coffee or television program or old movie you can enjoy? A long hot shower? Some really good chocolate? Classical music or old rock and roll? Reading warmsoul's corner here the jokes she posts and actually laughing or smiling? Sometimes the small things are the only thing that carries me through without self-harm, sometimes I don't enjoy them so much, but they still distract or occupy me so carry me through, at least have so far.
So even though it took me forever to read those two books, I did it, and just bought 7 more. It may take me the rest of the year (lol) but I will finish them. That is my goal. You are getting through working, you are exercising, you are doing some things to help yourself even though you don't feel like it and it may not be helping too much in ways you can see now, but that's huge that you are even taking those big steps. That's a lot more than many of us can do, myself included. And you are writing here, so you are writing, even if its not the sort of writing you are capable of when feeling better...its a start. Do you know after posting here for a while, I got up the courage and recently published an op-ed that was about 4/5 the newspaper page with graphics from their file? It took a while, but our strength can grow...so just baby steps...write here...if you like creative writing check out the artistic expressions on this site. Maybe that will inspire you....your writing is so beautiful, I bet you are a creative writer at heart...
Wishing you light and peace in your day...
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smithgerry
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:17 am
Well loneliness is happen because your spiritual goals are very high,which most of the people are do not consider or consider insignificant. God is with us all the time. So learn yourself to feel the universe.
_________________
Wholesale Humic Acid
_________________
Wholesale Humic Acid
Oneway,
I just joined this site yesterday but have been dealing with depression for a long time now. When I read your post I actually began to cry. In a few short lines you managed to sum up my own feelings. I have two fabulous daughters, but I am unable to share my fellings with them, why should I burden them with my awful life? Plus they are the only true joy in my life. I feel so isolated, I go to work and pretend to be normal and hoping that someone will really figure me out and reach out to me, but even if they did I'm not sure that I would trust their motives. I long for someone to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be all right. I long to tell my "friends" and family just how angry I am they have not supported me and been there in my time of need. But I don't have any idea how to reach out and ask for support.
Tim
I just joined this site yesterday but have been dealing with depression for a long time now. When I read your post I actually began to cry. In a few short lines you managed to sum up my own feelings. I have two fabulous daughters, but I am unable to share my fellings with them, why should I burden them with my awful life? Plus they are the only true joy in my life. I feel so isolated, I go to work and pretend to be normal and hoping that someone will really figure me out and reach out to me, but even if they did I'm not sure that I would trust their motives. I long for someone to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be all right. I long to tell my "friends" and family just how angry I am they have not supported me and been there in my time of need. But I don't have any idea how to reach out and ask for support.
Tim
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