Deserters

[crystalgaze]

(((((((( everyone ))))))))))


Strangely, to answer your question Robyn, what happened is that I do not really seem to be able to relate to anyone much anymore.... I simply am not able to trust people enough to actually want them in my life. The distrust comes because they are almost always too pushy or are moving too quickly, which for me is a red flag. (Why the rush? You have to pass my tests first anyway.)

I am only trying to stay in my corner, so as for people to leave me alone. I am not able to be out in the yard (front or back) in peace. That got proven today. It sounds funny, right... but it's true.

Recently, there was a crisis & well.... there was no one I could tell (felt comfortable enough to tell). I still did call to try to tell someone, but there was no one.

Now after it is over, gone & done with, I have people reaching out to me or so it looks in such a random manner that I don't know what to think. They weren't there in that 1 moment--no, let's take that back: several moments over the course of my life--when I really needed any of them.

My one neighbor (more specifically, her children & the children's children who are not my age or younger) whom we live in front of is really making the effort & I wonder, "What's this all about? We're enemies & can never be friends. So why do this now? I didn't choose this route. You did. Keep on walking...."

(As much as I love the neighbor, they've cut us once before & there is no way I could trust them ever again. It's really as simple as that.)

Someone who is in my life right now.... I cannot trust.... I like him; what I mean is he seems okay.... He can be supportive at times, but I still cannot trust him. (I simply don't know what he's planning for me & there's no way I'm going to just be a sitting duck. I can't make heads or tails of it, so I'm being cautious.)

My parents are there, but I cannot go to them with everything. My mentor is having her own family issues & so is my godmother. My brother is sometimes-ish, but I knew that already. My godfathers are out of the picture & so are most other friends--um, no... I should say people I thought were my friends (real life)...

Right now, the wild chickens & the same neighbor's dogs are about all I have in my immediate environment.

I am fine, though; it's nothing to cry over.

[crybaby1086]

(((((Onkia)))) You are right to say that trust must be earned, just please make sure the standards that you set for trust to be established are not so high that no human could possibly meet them. Take the time to talk to those around you and get to know them again. Try to look at them with different eyes. And when you need time to yourself take it.

[crystalgaze]

~lol~ No, no Robyn.... My standards aren't that high.... However, I do value loyalty very much, as well as a 2 way street (a 2-sided positive relation of almost any kind).

& no, I do not sit down + count or match exchange for exchange.

It is extremely hard for me to give when other people just take without hardly giving or like in some situations the other person can always only talk about himself/herself & never/hardly ever asks how I'm doing (the ones who can't see anyone else but themselves, the people where you can hardly get in a word about your life vs the other folk in their lives whom they just adore so much but obviously I am not in that category).

Oh, but wait.... Who is it that cheers them up or says a kind word? Me. Who is it that is there for there for them? Me. Whose shoulder do they cry on when something has gone wrong? Me.

I'm tired of it. Those are my 2 major pet peeves. I can work with most everything else, but those seriously get on my nerves!

[xn728]

JUST POPPED IN TO GIVE YOU A HUG(((((((((onika)))))))))),,,,hope your feeling a little better ,,keep safe ,,lots of love ken and fran xxxxx

[crystalgaze]

Thanks Ken! That was a much needed hug! You're a lifesaver in a lot of ways, ya know?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

the biggest hugs I can give for you & your family!!

[xn728]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ONIKA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),,,,your most welcome ,,and wishes to your family also ,,,,im glad i can make a differance lots of love ken xxxxxx

[crystalgaze]

& so I am alone again (in real life). I stopped calling this 1 "friend" because my phone calls weren't returned.

As for online friends, most of them I don't see online. Who knows? There were about 4 people in my contact list--two of whom I don't see regularly. (They live in different countries, so meh.)

One person I got along with, that dissolved, but perhaps it was for the best. (I don't want perfection, but I really need people who can stand on their own 2 feet and think for themselves, instead of just guzzling up and running with what other people say.)

Well, those folks have been deleted. Time to start afresh. I am almost always willing to work with people, but they have to do so as well.

[Obayan]

((( crystal )))

You are never alone. Not here. Not with us. Always in our hearts and in our minds.

[crystalgaze]

Thanks Obayan.... ((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))


Well.... The drama unfolds further. It's now officially hilarious. It was really interesting that the same day I placed my last post in this thread, Friend A called trying to mama-guy me....

I listened and I was calm, cool and didn't give a crap. In my head, it was "I don't feel like driving today, so I'm not going to regardless of what you say." Friend A wanted to go to the beach with me. (The beach was his idea.)

Since I was not in the mood because of going through female complaints, it all fit in perfectly. Thus, the unsaid answer to that was "No". I already knew what was in my head.

Friend A called again today, saying he was in my area and that he wanted to come by to which I said "No" three times in my best serious girly voice. It really wouldn't have mattered what he did anyway because I wasn't going to open the door.

(I am not in the habit of having people come by the house, as it's not mine in the 1st place. Also, the house is my sanctuary, so I don't have people traipsing in and out of my space--especially the fair-weather/opportunist "friends". Of course, I don't traipse in and out of their space either. I practice what I want for myself, so that I can't be called "unfair".)

After I said "No", I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. In fact, he went home, past the area where I live and didn't call.

Personally, I think it is funny. I am glad I can identify what is going on and not be manipulated. I do what I want when I want, if I feel like it, and no other time. It's great to use your head! Ah, the joys of saying "No"!

How you say "No" is what really matters. It's just like today Friend A called me because he wanted me to come pick him up from where he was. I didn't feel like driving anyway, but I had just woken up and didn't think myself too coherent/alert to be on the road.

Friend A: "I'm on the road trying to get a ride...."
Me: "Oh, well, I just woke up." (so don't ask me)

Remember now, Friend A is sometimes-ish, so I don't have time to be bothered.