REASONS TO LIVE!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((crystal))))))))) I'll see if I can address some of your points...thanks for being honest with us and yourself...glad you are doing a bit better, the hormonal thing happens to me to but since paramenopausal, I never know when its gunna strike, not predictable like it used to be so never know why I feel the way I did until...

First, when I said you are "bright" I meant you seem like a smart young lady...intelligent...maybe the bubbly is a facade sometimes, but I would bet it is a part of you...maybe not always present, but a part nonetheless.

I understand you feel like you are 40 just like sometimes I feel like I'm 80, but we really aren't, we haven't had all the life experiences people at those ages have and have thus missed out on much growing and wisdom. It could be my golden years are terrific, and your midlife wonderful, we don't know what lies ahead, past is not always a predictor of the future, especially with effort, as you are always telling me, a little effort...

I don't know you except from a few posts so I can only refer to my youth to offer some experience and strength and hope...I know for me because I had a high i.q. and top notch education, I thought I was mature but didn't realize I had a lot of 'growing up' to do and was very self-centered...of course in my case that was masked my alcoholism and thwarted...I had so many suicide attempts and was convinced my life was pointless, over...but looking back I imagine how totally different my life would have turned out if I had sobbered up and listened to elders who were trying to guide me...if I had just gotten sober, I could have really kicked *** and taken names...you are sober, clear-headed, have your basic needs met, so there is no reason you can't accomplish something with your life, as you have the gift of TIME ahead. So you get tired, take a breather, take it slow, just do what you can...opportunties may yet come your way...

You can go to school if you want, you are still young and you can take one class at a time, starting with courses you are interested in to get started just to set yourself up for success...on-line even! Some people don't go to school until they are my age, or have a change in direction and go back, seniors often get free courses (which makes me look forward to retirement years!)...so there are all ages at community colleges and such; a former friend when back and got her doctorate in late 30's...you could have a degree by 30, even taking it slowly...and college, learning, can be so much fun! Its never too late to learn...

They are talking about more small business loans in the US as part of the TARP...so have you checked into the prospects if that's what you really want to do? Researched your business...locations...etc.?

As far as destruction, there is definitely a place for that if channeled properly, whether the military or something like an explosives expert on demolition sites...a demolition expert might be a fun career! You just have to decide it the destructive urge is too unhealthy and needs to be addressed, or something that can find an appropriate outlet...only you can answer that...I know for me, still struggling with some hatred and anger issues, I blast people on political websites in debate forums...that gets me to release some of the negative energy, but for me I know I still have serious issues that need to be addressed...

I know you are frustrated living with your parents, but you will be on your own soon enough...caretaking is hard and having to do everything yourself for others...but again, you can be on your own soon enough...

Why do you think you destroy love? Because you've been badly hurt, so destroy it before it destroys you? I can empathize, because I've been badly hurt so I don't want to take risks on people, but I also want to learn to be brave and not close the door on something that could be great...people can change, its just a slow process sometimes...and I am hoping for us both someone who is willing to break down our walls and have patience...

You should be VERY PROUD of fighting this far...that shows courage and strength...rest when you need to...but I hope we can both fight the good fight to keep going...I have noticed in your posts, you have much spunk sometimes, its admirable...

I'm not sure what you meant by counseling doing it yourself? Anyway, even though I've been hurt more than helped by the mental health profession, I haven't totally given up and if I could afford it I'd be in therapy now...it really can be useful to get an objective unbiased opinion that helps us see things we cannot see ourselves and a 'partner' to teach us/coach us in techniques for addressing problems and chart progress...meds did a horrific number on me, but fortunately, I have found a small, mild combination that helps me a little...so much trial and error and I was resistant to meds after previous horrific experiences, but glad I gave it another try...

I know my community too is teaming with corruption, back-room deals, evil...but I still volunteer, because I don't want another child to go to bed hungry or to be killed because powerful interests are dealing drugs...I volunteer to defy and fight the corruption, even though I have been burned badly and more than once...even if you don't want to volunteer in your community, there are national and international issues you can work on over the net for instance...I used to run a blog on a site and connected with others about an international issue I cared about...I volunteer because it is about doing what's right, I can't stop anyone from hurting me or doing bad things, but I don't have to sink to their level, as tacking said the other day...letting our better angels come out...the one area you and I differ on, not that one is right or wrong, but you said you wouldn't help them live...I would help my enemies despite what they have done, I pray for them, righteous indignation in one thing, but hatred is another...and I don't like it personally...we can aspire to love, even when we don't feel it at first, and forgiveness...even though a struggle and difficult, again that Nelson Mandela quote about drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die...that's the way I see resentment...its about my own internal peace and knowing I did what is morally right, despite them...

I too have felt there must be some karmic reason I have suffered soooo much, but honestly, I believe there are limits to karma...I see so many suffering senselessly in this world...its just unfortunate...and we are limited in what and how much we can control...

"Life is sad, life is a bust
You do what you have to
You do what you must
and you do it well..." Bob Dylan

*hugs* Crystal. I hope you didn't take offense at anything I posted here, I am honestly trying to be helpful...because like (((((((((ken))))))))) said, we care! We have all been in our darkness, and sometimes we get to see light again...

Wishng you peace...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( crystalgaze )))) It takes courage to be so honest as you've been in this thread and others on this site. I'm learning to be more open about my feelings, but I don't have your courage yet.
I empathise with your feelings and recognise many of them in myself. Loneliness, an anger that frightens me sometimes, particularly when I'm occasionally told such obvious, such poorly-crafted lies, ( They're standing under an umbrella, and then trying to tell me that it's not raining. Do they think me so great a fool as not to see through them....?), a feeling that I'm just not worth being loved, or an even worse fear that I'm not CAPABLE of loving, a sick, cold desperate feeling that it's just too LATE to do anything, or be anything, or change anything that I am......
Sorry, if this isn't helping, but I need you to know that I DO know how real, valid, powerful and wrenching your feelings are.
Having said that I can now disagree strenously with your conclusions!!!!
I'm a man, ( Unless there's a serious typo on my birth certificate! ), and I'm not as emotionally-fluent as women tend to be. So, I'll stick with some indisputable facts..... I studied history at university, and one of the constants of history seems to be that whenever people try to predict the future, they are VERY often VERY wrong. Therefore I would submit to you that it is logically IMPOSSIBLE for you to be CERTAIN what will happen in your life in the future.
Take me for example, nine months ago, I was a Luddite computer-phobe who didn't even have an e-mail address and went on the internet about as often as a man has a baby. And here I am now, e-mail address and all and posting habitually with suave poise.....( I wish! )
Also, another fact, YOU would be MISSED. I'm not saying that as anything other than a literal fact. When I was trying to put my head and life back together again, I found many posts on this site immensely helpful. So helpful in fact that, not having a computer myself, I often printed them off
and keep them in a ring-binder. Quite a few of thoise posts were and are yours. Everything you say about yourself may be true. But the (((( crystalgaze I know is the strong, wise, tough, never-say-die person who I picture when I'm sitting turning the pages of a ring-binder and reading your most perceptive posts.
So, stay with us!!!! Let's all find our way to better times, and tilt at many more windmills all of us!
What do you say?!

[crystalgaze]

No, no offense taken s-hopes! Tacking, SURE, why not? (& wowww, you printed out some of my posts? ~lol~ I didn't see that one coming!)

(((((((((( Tacking + S-hopes ))))))))))))

Hugs to you both!


As for the destroying love issue, it happens when disappointment comes in, not usually for simple things. I either love or am aloof. If I am pushed to being aloof/nonchalant, that means I've put on my poker face & no love will come from me. It's a self-preservation mechanism.

The feeling is not the same.... To the other person, it may even look like love, like every thing is great (fine & dandy) but it isn't. If I am burned, I pick up my battle axe & wait to do my war cry. (I don't usually use either, but I am not as warm as I would be. My attitude is more of a whatever--totally hands off for the most part.

I usually have absolutely no expectations & the person, especially if it's a romantic partner, is kicked out of my life. Even if I see him or talk to him, it's never the same. I tend to not give a damn....)

I was talking to a friend today & he said, "So many people have done things to you. I don't understand how that could happen! I've lived here for as long as I've lived here & nothing has happened to me."

Then I told him what it was & he was like, "Ohhhhh...." &, I noticed he had the look that most people who know have & I said to myself, "I guess I shouldn't have let the cat out of the bag.... but he probably already had an idea & wanted to confirm what he thought."

I will tell you all what it is.... I am connected to something people refer to here as "the million dollar property". That is where a good bit of the evil trailing me comes from & the fact that people are not able to take it away from my family.

Personally, I do not want it. It is not mine. I'd like to earn my own things. When people come around me.... When males come to "date" me, it is that they are coming to see if they can come into it. People, in general, don't mean me or any one for me any good.

Living in this 2 story house? Ha, it makes it worse! & it's NOT like we are even rich....! (Would I be crying about expenses for going to the doctor?)

I remember when my dad first went for his cancer treatment..... The phone rang off the hook! All hours of the day, throughout the night & this happened for several months!

People have been telling us to sell.... I'm actually amazed no one has used more forceful measures yet.... I have angst about this BECAUSE I AM A FEMALE.

You should see how people go on, when my Dad has to tell people to move, since they are loitering.

There is no respect for anything. No one called for permission but people will still park their ass on what is not theirs & if something happens, they will be the 1st people to SUE.

Those same dirty suckers throw TRASH that we must PAY to remove or whatever! They discard tires, which you must pay to send to the dump. Installing surveillance would rob us of house & home.

The police has been called in & the officers don't do anything. Then, what I have to live with is people throwing curse words & slurs at me while I drive down the road. The police don't do anything.

Some people know & others don't really know or don't know how to approach me. I try to stay as incognito, as I can. You can hardly do anything here in peace. I almost can't go anywhere without someone hounding me: "What are you all doing with the property?" Blah blah blah blah....

No one is going to listen to a woman... Hell, they even don't want to listen to my Dad because he is elderly.... They try to intimidate him & look to get physical.

If I really take over the property..... I will have to go take self-defense for sure & learn to use weapons. I will even have to be weary of the person who becomes my husband (if/when that happens).

That is part of why I would sooner not get married or involved like that & stay single all of my life. I also have some interesting mood swings that would make me unreliable. I also wish for sterilization partly due to this & other things (what I would pass to my child, etc.)

I believe we are cursed somehow.... If my brother wishes to continue the family line, he can do so, but I will not. I don't wish this life on my children. It takes some kind of super strength--& it's something you have to have ALL THE TIME. There is no time for weakness at all. The stress is pretty much constant. (Those fast talkers will get you in a minute!)

This is part of why we don't get along with my neighbors across the street (Spanish). For them, it is probably a racial issue. They are also mad because they are not in & out of our house or in our business to know just how much money there is blah blah blah. It is too good for us. Did I mention that they killed my dog? (Or at least had a hand in it?)

Those same neighbors were the ones throwing trash on the lawn & I AM GOING TO BE KIND TO THEM? THEY WILL SERVE ME POISON & SMILE. That actually is close to what another one of ours neighbors did to us.

There is more to it, but I think you can get the idea. This situation is precisely why I can't call in a cleaning service or maid or even ask for help from cousins, etc. Things would disappear or they would tell their cronies, which houses to rob. It has happened here.

Not only that, the family is the worst.... They are my mortal enemies, without a doubt. I won't go into it in detail, but they have proven themselves--just who they are--time & time again & shown that they are rotten people (both mother side & father side). That's why we are as isolated as we are. There are simply no people we can truly trust; even the best of the best have turned out to be horrendous people.

This is the reason that people will not get any help from me & why I said that I would NOT help them if they were dying & that I don't want them to help me either! (because every thing they do has an AIM; I can't tell you how many countless times I have seen this--over & OVER AGAIN.... I tire of such folly, as the devil of Sibilla would say!)

WHO HAS BEEN KIND TO ME, ESPECIALLY HERE?! They can eat cake & CROAK! I will enjoy watching them croak.

I wish I could relay to you the # of times so many people have dismissed or hurt me, only to come back in my face because they found out I was "that man's daughter: the one who owns the property".

There was NO place that was a SANCTUARY--not even church. (In fact, the priest was mad because we didn't hand over all our money over to him & "the church".) My mother can continue to go, but I will not be going her, under any circumstances--not only for what she is but the ridiculousness she entertains & puts up with just to "have friends"--who ARE NOT ACTUALLY HER FRIENDS. Those rotten carcasses whom she put me to work for when I was a child & had no say in the matter.

Things are different now. I have no choice but to wield my battle axe or be driven beyond the edge of sanity (& this is NO JOKE)....

Sadly, I'm not wielding my axe properly just yet!

There is a person I know who literally had a mental breakdown. He lives on another island. He has gone through the same thing my family & I go through here over there. He has succumbed to the pressure & grief he has experienced from being connected to a piece of property.

He did not marry any one either. I am sure it's at least for some of the reasons I've pointed out earlier. He is still alive, but he's not EVEN a shell of his old self. He is beyond reach--not that I blame him, as he has suffered much, like this lady I know. Almost all of his siblings have died tragically, one after the next after the next.

Property is great & all, but to me, it is a pain in the arse when you don't have the money to live away from people, so you are at least not bombarded by negativity ALMOST EVERY DAY THAT YOU LIVE.

Yes, I do ward it off, as best as I can. Some topics are not up for discussion. People business is done with try to take away what is ours, every chance they get. (I mean, that's expected; it's a capitalistic society.) There is not a minute's rest & those lawyer fees are absolutely outrageous. Even the lawyer we must be weary of & YES WE GOT THE BAD DEAL AS PROOF!

I do not know what my brother experienced, but he is a wreck & has been since 16. He is 32 now. (Maybe he tried drugs & some people messed him up because he was connected to the property.)

It's hard living in a place when your hands are tied.

Of course, I do have a few choices: Stand + fight or leave. I'm not sure which I will do yet.

I don't feel sorry for myself. ABSOLUTELY NOT. That's not what this is about at all. I wanted to show you all what makes me what I am at 25.

They better pray I don't catch myself because if I do & decide to go over there, there will to Hell to pay.

Um.... Oops! I didn't mean for this to be so long!

[dandelion]

(((((((((((((((( Shatteredhopes ))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to give you a big and warm hug, been thinking about you lately and kinda miss you too

love
dandelion

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((crystal, dande)))))))))) still here in forums dande! You should visit more often when you can; I'm not going to chatroom anymore but we can catch up here and if you ever want to have private chat, can pm me and we meet in chatroom...

Glad you have been doing better dande!!!!!!!!!!

[xn728]

hi ((((sister))))) sorry to hear you dont use the chat ,,you seem so happy in there i didnt stop long either ,,,98 % of the people in there were fine ,,but i got a couple who for what ever reason just messed me about ,,i didnt even know them ,,,i didnt withdraw because of them though i went becaause i could feel the dark serpents tougue inside side my mouth ready to strike ,,and i know i would have got in trouble for what i said ,,,its far more better to write how you feel here ,,,,hope your doing ok ,,its nice to see you back here hugs (((((sister)))),lots of love ken xxxx

[mamasam]

I have just joined this group, and i do not know any of you , but from reading several of these posts for the past few hours...you people are some of the most caring, sensitive people. You are here for a purpose, have no idea what it is, but you all are wonderful how you support one another. The world needs more people like you all...it would dang sure be a better place to live.