For the Lonely...On being alone

[shatteredhopes]

I used to be a very social being, enjoying friends and companionship; needed it very much in an unhealthy way part of the time as a reinforcement of myself and not being comfortable in my own skin. I remember when I was young and we moved a lot, the horrible painful times of being in a new school and eating lunch alone and feeling so desperate for company. Later in life, I got to a point where I socialized in a healthy way, but unfortunately, was betrayed and hurt by a series of people, leading me to shy away from others.

There are ways to begin socializing, which from experience I know work, but honestly, I really don't want to, despite occassionally feeling lonely, I would rather be lonely than hurt again like I have been. While my trust issues are not healthy either, I am thinking they may have an advantage.

Although I am not Catholic, in flipping through the channels I came across something that caught my eye on Catholic TV...they were talking about hermits...like Monks...who choose to be alone, not isolated per se, but to commune with God, to detach from earthly things, to let the all of the universe be one in them. And I also think of Thoreau writing Walden...

Being alone can give me time to achieve much of what I may otherwise shy away from, and I do not have to answer to anyone or alter my behavior to fit someone's definition of acceptible or normal. Being different can be a good thing! I remember a minister saying to me the greater the leader, the more the opposition, the more the human fight...by way of analogy, if we are truly unique and different, we might threaten, intimidate, or challenge others in a way that makes them reject us.

I can smile and talk to the clerk at the grocery store, I can go to political meetings or volunteer here and there, and post on this site to not be totally alone...but in thinking about the concept of aloneness today, I am actually thinking this could be a productive time for me. I am thinking more and more about my unfinished novel and another book I started but left hanging. There are things that I dislike about myself, but for the most part, I like myself and enjoy my own company. This can be a time of self-exploration and finding a spiritual path to inner peace if not the 'happiness' I once knew and craved.

I used to be someone who always needed a relationship, and while at times I miss my ex-boyfriend, I am actually content to be without a mate for now. There are times when I long for that, but I would far rather be alone than mistreated and repeatedly heart-broken again. And, I am starting to wonder if I can ever have a truly healthy intimate relationship given the strain of depression on others around us, so adjusting again to and accepting being alone is a good thing in that sense.

I do have my mom, whom I see about once a week and talk to almost daily on the phone for about 3 minutes. She does many nice things for me and is very sweet, although she really has no clue as far as mental illness...so I am not totally alone in the world. But my mom won't be around forever, so the time I spend alone will help me prepare for that certainty.

Hopefully I can someday be able to reach out again in "real life" to develop close bonds and friendship like I once had, and I think that would be healthier, but for today, here and now...being alone, with just those few exceptions, is looking like a positive thing for a while.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

By a strange coincidence while I was lying awake in bed a week or so ago, I ended up listening to a programme on Radio 4, that was about being alone. It was a half hour discussion programme on about 11:00 PM in which the host, ( I think his name was Jon Ronsen, or something like that anyway. ), muses about a particular subject on air, along with thoughts from a few studio guests.
One of the questions that came up was, are we more truly " ourselves " when we are with other people or when we are alone? Two points of view emerged, on the one hand it was suggested that when we are alone we can be truly ourselves without having to accomodate other people's opinions/expectations of us. And, on the other hand, it was suggested that sometimes it is only by interacting with other people that we are able to find out who we actually are.
Nobody came to a definitive decision, but that question made me think. Just off the top of my head, I would say that it's best to strike a balance between the two extremes. I am conscious sometimes of feeling quite alone and isolated, and am working towards having more of a social network. But, then again, I think it's important to listen to yourself and your own thoughts and feelings, and that can be hard sometimes if you're too much " in the world ".
Perhaps it could be viewed as a matter of choice, and why that choice is made. If you choose to have some time alone, to think, to write, to listen to your feelings then that can indeed be constructive. However, I would not like to think that you might withdraw too much from the world, perhaps out of fear, or feelings of inadequacy, both of which I have quite often. Sigh! Afterall, if we were all hermits on our own solitary mountain, I think that might well be too lonely a world.
Just a few thoughts anyway....

[crystalgaze]

I think there is a lot of value in being alone, however often or not as often that may be.

I love to be alone because I am able to work on myself--keeping my anger at a minimum, trying to remain open & tolerant enough, avoiding problems + misunderstandings with others (e.g. because I know my mood is off), figuring out what I must do, organizing myself, etc.

Sometimes, I find it can be necessary, in order to make any progress with whatever it is you're doing.

Aside: S-hopes, you have got the right idea! Go work on your novels. Invest in YOU! I think that's what I've been trying to say on the forum all this time. Aside End

Other times, I love being alone because I simply want to blot out the world & not let any thing invade my mind (shut out the intrusions) or at least try to do so, so I can have some peace & calm, just let my mind wander, roam the room or so. It's like a meditation/relaxation of sorts.

[smh]

they're interesting points and i guess that ebing alone is good. i spend most of my free time in my room on my own just online or watching dvds and when i get lost in my dvds its my way of escaping my real life. i like being alone in that sense. i don't really understand myself properly. i mean sometimes i'll want to go out say to the cinema with a friend and by the time i get there i'll really just wish i was home on my own again cuz it just seems like so much pressure and stress. i'm very socially awkward and although sometimes i really wish i had someone special in my life i just don't think it will ever happen and then at the same time i don't think i would be able to deal with someone else. everything is just so muddled up in my heasd n i just don't make sense. i guess i want what everyone wants, someone to listen, to understand, to comfort and to make me laugh when i'm down whether thats a friend or someone more. its just so difficult

[Jubee]

I understand completely because I have been there. I used to crave the social gatherings also, but have found that the alone time is much more satisfying. Gives me time to reflect on myself. And, like you, I've found myself to be good company.
Being alone is not a bad thing, it can be a very healthy "healing time" which I've found to be very true.
Jubee

[Mel234]

I can totally relate to the beginning part and most of the rest too shatteredhopes.
I used to just have a group of friends and then it was like almost every three years my family would move and each time it got harder to make friends.
I like being alone, I tell myself it causes less stress and so forth. But at the same time I sometimes wish I didn't make myself so isolated away from people. But every time I try and tell someone about my life it's always a negative reaction so I pretty much stopped trying. Being alone also gives me time to think and just think of what I want to do in my life, granted it's hard to motivate myself and see that I could have a future, something I'm working on. But there are negative and positive parts about lonliness.

[mamasam]

Friends are like flowers, they bloom when they are needed and die away soon after, hopefully we get the really expensive ones that come back often and grace us with their beauty over and over.I have had many friends in my life, I am extremely blessed but if you count the ones whom you can call on a moments notice to be there in the middle of the night, my friends list dwindles to a less impressive amount. the "fair weather" friends only make me appreciate my "real" friends that much more. Still no one can change the fact that I am more leary now considering my ex best friend is now married to my ex husband...I sometimes wonder if i have really learned to deal with that.. Point is, shattered , you are a smart woman, just from your posts i can tell your amazing. Someone out there is missing out on a really great friend because you are so guarded.You are such a people person, I can see the brightness in your personality. I feel lucky to have met you on here.

[Mich]

I agree with mamasam's last 3 sentences shattered and I could not have said it any better....so I won't even try.

[crystalgaze]

S-hopes... I hope you know how well you have been doing! Just thought I would say it... You have come a long way & are going to keep on your path!

The thing about friends.... I know how you feel... I am that way too....

Now, as for the guarded-ness thing.... There's a way to do it so you can start finding friends to help support you & vice versa....

Here's how I have been doing it:

1. I will randomly come out my shell & talk to someone I have seen for a long time.... (It often takes a LOT of courage....)

2. People that are usually where I go... I try to greet them with a hello or mornin', afternoon or evenin'... Whatever....

(For example, I waited a year b4 talking to someone I now talk to semi-regularly. I studied him for that long b4 putting myself in the line of fire & asking myself, "Can we be friends or will it be sex driven on his part?"

I feel we are friends & sort of on a similar wavelength.... I've sat with him in a public place; we laugh & we have a good time--ever so often.... So far so good... He understands how I feel & knows that IF & this is a BIG IF we will ever get together/continue to be friends, he cannot rush, pressure or whatever else me... I haven't seen him be disrespectful to me ONCE yet... I am looking at him very carefully though & I have not been in any place with him, where it was just him & me. NO WAY! )

3. If you decide to really try to make a friend.... then make up your mind that you will kick butt at the 1st sign of any bull! Make sure to tell yourself that that person is the 1 with the problem. Kick butt girl cause I know you can do it! OH YEAH!

Also, if bull occurs, make sure not to blame yourself & write off all people. You haven't met all people.... Look at a good bit of the people here on the forum... We don't match anyone who has maltreated you. There's good still left in the world! That's my message!