How i'm feeling is terrifying me

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya, my first visit here so i'm really sorry if i posted in wrong place
Not that i can plead ignorance for that, be my idiocy if i have, which i apologise for, hope it's in the right place.

Basically my mood always goes weird, usually average-high & then extremely low. Currently i'm really scared, and feel, i dunno.. like i've finished up you know? Like, it's time to sort of, go.
This is frightening me because i'm extremely impulsive to the point i almost cost myself my house last year because of reckless behaviour, and the feeling i have is pretty drilled towards self-harm & being impulsive i've flirted with it tonight to a point i've filled the urge enough to stop, but i'm still scared enough to just sorta say 'come on, come on be better' so this is where the bulk of the problems are:

In october last year, my brother took his life & the emotional breakdown cost me my relationships with my best friend and my girlfriend, it was all within days of each other and i've spiraled to the point of what feels like no return.
But now i feel, jealous, sort of attracted to the sensation that my brother did it.. like, he went and saved himself from our torment and although i feel obviously crushed it's still somewhat liberating to know there is a escape to all of life's upset. Lately, i feel like i want in on this.

Need clarification of worth, was my 20th birthday yesterday & needless to say i was alone and very depressed. Tomorrow well.. now, it's Valentine's Day & i miss my ex girlfriend & i feel really tender and lonely and pathetic.
I struggle to get over things, i dwell, i've been harbouring a breakdown i had in march last year and i'm still nowhere close to 'getting over it' & beyond that experiences years ago i still can't progress from. I really don't know how to 'get over it'.. how do you get over things? I mean, if say, a letter comes for me i hold that dear to me for weeks because even though it's a bill, it's still clarification of worth.. that it had my name and someone did it for me. That's so insane.. i'm a 20 year old woman, why do i feel like that? Why do i go outside at 4am and write poetry? Why will i use the bus monday & know that i'll feel crippled in rejection if someone doesn't sit next to me? Why do the absolute tiniest of things effect me to a point of which years later they still burn me?

I don't really understand my emotions really well, i live alone, well my mum is here but only because of finances, we live in the same 3 bedroom house but painstakingly avoid each other because of other issues. Point i'm making here is i don't have an outlet to ask about my moods, i used to go to Church but i'm a lesbian, so i feel like a hypocrit to call myself christian when my sexuality means i physically cannot be christian & i gotta go to hell cos how i feel is wrong. So i am scared and i don't really know what i'm doing, my grandad is really ill now and has to have a heart bypass & is a long standing cancer patient & lives a while away, beyond that there is nobody. I'm somebody that gets scared and upset alot, for instance, i don't sleep in the dark, i'm 20 years old.. you can see how insane that is? I sleep with my cuddly bears and act like a 5 year old.
I know, i absolutely know, 100%, in my heart of hearts, that if i could understand how to 'get over it' and progress past the hurt that's bound me since i was 3, that i could start to overcome this decade and a half long spell of depression, which, as of last year, became manic. But i just don't know how

I'm a good person, i try my best, i give to 4 charities and i'm on job seekers allowance & i say my prayers even though i know i gotta go to hell, and i didn't underage drink/sex/smoke/drugs or anything like that. But it's got to the state where i do want to go away, i feel like it should all be better & fixed by now, feel like i kinda don't deserve it and that makes me really cross.
I guess what i'm asking here is how to 'get over it'.. how to control emotions? How?

Am incredibly sorry it took so long to post, i didn't mean it be that long, and i sorry if didn't get what was asking about and if i posted in wrong area, i didn't wanna post in the 'my story' section cos figured this is more a emotional problem that a background history. But shout at me if that was wrong and i get it fixed ^^
Also if you didn't read it all i sorry for making it that long that it put people off.

Thanks very much

[crystalgaze]

Hello there Emma! Welcome to the forum!

First things first, please go easy on yourself.... You are what you are. Accept it. It's okay. It doesn't make sense to beat yourself for it. If you don't like parts of yourself, you CAN change it to something you think you will be pleased with more.

Don't worry about long posts! (You should see some of mine!)

If you can go for counseling, please go. Find out if there are crisis lines, so you can call if you really don't feel well...

Suicide is not something to take lightly. I have been there & survived. You can damage yourself in ways that you will regret later. Please, if you can, DO NOT ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT.

Your life is precious. Do not harm yourself, due to someone else or what they have done to you. It is not worth it.

Please look around the forum; there is a lot to read here! You may find something that you can identify with some place.

Do take care of yourself! You have taken a step in the right direction coming to the forum.

Hugs to you: ((((((((((((((((((((EmmaliciouS)))))))))))))))))))))

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya

Thanks v much ^_^

Yeah it's just sometimes disappointing to really try & see the right people & go to the right places and just never get anywhere, is lots i wanna change, is just lots i don't understand. Like getting over events mentally, i dwell on stuff to the point of obsession & just want that fixed so i can get to work on fixing the other things. It's weird, me own worst enemy but can't kinda see a way of sustainability.. is like, i'm fine & then something even small things, happens, then i totally crumble. So i do wanna change that, but i don't understand why it happens & don't get why it doesn't get fixed or how to get it fixed.

I will check out the rest of the forum
Lots on here for depression and phobia's and anxeity etc, so will def have a long look around

Heh, yeah i know it's the whole 'sticks & stones' thing when people say/do something, it shouldn't take such effect, but that's my main gripe. A inability to get over stuff, i know i could be fine & possibly happy, but it's progression i real stumble with.. 1 step forward 9 thousand back.
I had plenty a counselling before, but i kinda get left unfulfilled. Last June i was in a psyche ward for the better part of the summer, & when i did pass the evaluations & was able to go home, i was super pleased with myself and excited about heading home, but then when i got there it was all an anti-climax.. back on depression street again because it was all a lot of effort to just return back to the places and people that make me sad.
Is how generally therapy works out for me, is all fruitless in the long term. I kinda have reservations about bothering with it much.

But maybe there's something on this forum about 'getting over it' and progression as a whole, so i'll look around

Ta for sweet reply
Heh, huggles

[shatteredhopes]

First, I must say it makes me angry hypocritical judgemental people have convinced you you are going to hell. Did you know there are 12 passages in the Bible regarding gays but there are thousands regarding poverty? Which do you think is a bigger priority to God? Did you know it is a sin to wear a gold wedding ring, for instance? We are all sinners, please look at more progressive churches, or something like Episocipal church or Unitarian Universalists...do you know the Epis. church ordains gays even? Faith can be a healing force in our lives, so don't lose faith just because some misguided people are zeroing in on your lesbianism and ignoring the overall message of the Bible and Christian redemption...you are on a job seekers income but still giving to charity, that sounds like an authentic Christian who GETS IT to me...and the right church can be an enormous source of support and friendship.

Anyway, do you think you might be bi-polar since you have highs and lows? Worth talking to a doctor. You have been through much with many losses and hardships and its no wonder you are feeling so bad and out of sorts. Therapy might be useful for you in letting go...sometimes these things just take time but there are also techniques we can use to help speed things along...

With your ex-girlfriend, for instance, see if you can get the book "How to fall out of love" by Dr. Debra Phillips I think it is. Grieving over your brother and lost friendships and love and your house and the person you used to be is something I SO IDENTIFY with as I too have suffered enormous losses over the past 5 years, and it is so hard that sometimes, when it rains, it pours...

Maybe there are little things you can do to comfort yourself? Old movies you enjoy, some gourmet chocolate, long hot shower with special shower gel? Anything you can do to treat yourself special, as you deserve it. I agree with Crystal, don't be so hard on yourself! You've been through an awful lot...

Welcome to the forums and I hope you find them as helpful as I have in working through some of my issues and getting feedback and support from others who understand...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya

I can't say knew much about the religious stuff you mentioned, i didn't really give too much thought to it other than it was ok to get in trouble for it because it was seen as wrong. So kinda just didn't think much more of it other than the disappointment of trying and inevitably still going to hell for something i see as pretty trivial.
I will look up some of the places you spoke about, i'm not totally happy with my church anyway & am a bit unguided to religion, knew it was considered wrong which i figured is part the reason my mum & me are the way we are with each other. But i will dig around with these places you spoke of, might bring some comfort cos i did used to get lots from it a couple years ago.

I think i'm bi-polar, i used have care for it, but it hasn't cropped up for a while, is mainly now small periods where things are ok and then a steep drop in mood when something happens.. kinda like feeling alright to feeling terrible, in the past it would be a more erratic feeling & my mood would be high and low really sudden, maybe i still have it, i'm not sure, but i don't think it's as bad as it used to be. Now i'm kinda rarely high as opposed to being a YoYo, which is ok.

Thanks for the book
I'm starting to get into reading more so this i'll go buy ^^
Are things i do to help myself at the time, i luckily, know what things trigger the mood change and know how to avoid cerrtain factors that'll kick it in gear. Problem is accounting for the unexpected, like someone being rude on the street or the washing machine going wrong or losing my keys or something, but things like listening to certain types of music and films can help out, so i do that alot.
It's sustainability is the biggest issue, can use the little things to help in the moment but within a few minutes the mood drops a bit again. Can't seem to retain it.
I could do more, like, was my 20th birthday on friday & i did zero.. squat, nothing. Know i ought to of done something to cheer me up, but didn't. So that's my silly fault, so i can & should do more to perk meself up.

Heh, thankya
I hope so too! Is just nice to talk really, kinda a ickle selfish a me to keep harping on about myself, will be a better user, just aiming get these niggles ironed out first, then i be less selfish
Sustainability & getting over it, 'tis my goals. Am less scared than yesterday so that's good, was a rush yesterday, got a idea in my head and boom, fear overload.
Thanks again you guys

[Jubee]

I can tell you are a "good person" through and through by how much you worry about how good you are. PLEASE don't listen to the people who say you are going to hell for being a lesbian....that is all very untrue. Church mainly is to prey on people who feel low so they can get money out of them. If they can keep you coming back every Sunday, then they've got you. I know, I was a church goer for over a decade. Don't look to anyone else to tell you your "good", look within yourself.
You are a dear person, just from what I read in your blog, PLEASE don't beat yourself up so much. I know, I beat myself up too...it's natural with depression. But I do know now that I am a worthwhile person, and that we ALL make mistakes, but that is life. It's not as big a deal as some people make it out to be, you know, to be "perfect". NO ONE is perfect, and when you learn that, and realize it is ok, it will help your mood alot. I know, I've had to learn it the hard way.
Oh yea, being a lesbian is NOT a reason for going to hell, please don't let them tell you lies like that. It's just people who don't know how to deal with sexuality that say these things.
BTW, you are NOT crazy....I sleep with stuffed animals too and I'm 44! Please don't be so hard on yourself, that is a step in the right direction.
Sincerely wishing happines.....
Jubee

[EmmaliciouS]

Hiya ^^

Thankya, are the second person to say about the sexuality thing, i guess i real ought to sit down and go through the bible & just look stuff through, was just always told that it were wrong & figured was why it isn't taught in school and way my mum interacts with me, and the way some the people in the church do, my local one, that it was bad. Like, point of life was to reproduce & that it'd be letting god down if didn't do that, and don't wanna disappoint cos don't wanna go hell for lots a reasons and is another reason i made the thread because suicide itself is sinful & just needed a bit of a sit down before one emotional spat caused a eternity of that.
I will look in alot more books & research stuff an ask Q's about religion

Yeah, your right nobodies perfect & when get down you always beat yourself up and stuff, is more that i wanna learn from all that but don't kinda somehow get it to sink in or use it to get over it. Heh, i can't be perfect but i can be better, just wanna figure out how on earth to emotionally deal with things.. am so emotionally weak! Have seen toddlers fall down and bump their knees when was working at a primary school and they have more self-control than i do, is embarrassing & sad

Heh i like this forum your all nice
Feel lots better today, got go to town tomorrow so will probably be bit sad again, but yeah, i like this forum