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[lisalou]

today i feel so absolutely empty it's frightening, it's scary how nothing can hurt almost as much as nothing,this awful blackness,an eerie emptiness,this feeling of not feeling. i feel dead inside,devoid of any emotion and yet on some level that is terrifying and i still have tears sloshing around inside me somewhere from beneath this dull-eyed dopiness that from a distance might look like calm. the panic and misery have retreated and given up. i feel anaesthetised to life and yet still find it vaguely appalling. i was meant to be having two friends over for dinner but that seems as likely as flying to the moon right now,face to face interaction is so hard when i am like this. no matter how many depressive episodes i go through it never loses its capacity to shock and flatten me

[crystalgaze]

((((Lisa))))) I hope you are able to recover soon.... Take care there girl...

[lisalou]

thanks crystal, i'm hoping for a better day. i feel awful and heavy and can't bear the thought of leaving this website and getting ready to start another day but i guess one day at a time. my emptiness has been replaced temporarily by severe grumpiness but then i never was much of a morning person.....

[Mich]

Hmmmm.....I posted a reply here but just noticing it did not show up??? I must have done something out of the ordinary.

This blankness, this emptiness....it is a terrible thing. Do you work with the kids today? Maybe that will help you. I know how much of a struggle every single action is. I think you are showing a great deal of courage by returning to work. Perhaps if dinner with your friends is feeling a bit overwhelming you could just meet for coffee....that way you don't have the undertaking of a big meal to prepare. You might feel a bit better if you are able to hook up with those friends today. Please know that I am thinking of you today and sending lots of *hugs*.

Michele

[xn728]

SEE YOU LATER LISA HOPE YOUR DAY WAS OK ,THE FIRES GOING ,SO YOU CAN PUT YOUR FEET UP WHEN YOU COME HOME ,,,,,,,,KEN

[lisalou]

thanks mich. i did have work today, as always it was nice to see the kids but so draining, i clock-watch most of the time and after 3 hours of being playful and busy and interactive i am about ready to die. i went for a walk along the seafront afterwards and everything was beautiful but it still doesn't touch me somehow. i have counselling in a little while and i really can't bear to leave the house again. thanks for putting on the fire kenny pop...mmmm...toasty, now where's the marshmellows?

[crystalgaze]

I don't know how the seafront works exactly... but have you tried playing with the sand a little or touching the water?

Good luck with the appointment....

[lisalou]

hi crystal, we don't have sand on brighton beach, it is all pebbles but they are pretty therapeutic too, i like to roll them in my hands and throw them into the sea where they make a big 'plop' sound. there are little art studios and gift shops too down there which i like to look around in. where are the virgin islands? i'm afraid to say my geography has failed me. what are your beaches like?

[Mich]

Hi Lisa - I am sorry that work is so draining. I am glad you are limiting your work day for now. I don't think you should get too overwhelmed with work. It's good that you tried to soothe yourself afterwards with a walk by the seafront. I know that it is often hard to appreciate the beauty of things in this state. But you tried...and that's a good thing. *hugs*

[lisalou]

i have felt so awful today and it kills me not to show it,if only for 3 hours. how do i manage to scrape myself together and be such fun? how can the kids love me so much? the grey fog of the sky here today mirrors that of my brain,i feel dead inside,decaying and hurting, i went around some of the shops in town this afternoon trying to distract myself with pretty things as you do with a baby but it's just a very temporary stopgap for pain and as soon as i got through the door of home i could collapse into the luxury of tears

[Mich]

You're probably sleeping now if you are 5 hours ahead of us.....I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I am so proud of you for trying so hard every day. I think it is great that you see the kids each day...it's putting you out there in real life which is so important. I hope this pain subsides for you a little bit tomorrow. You are very brave and strong. Keep on fighting.

[lisalou]

not quite in bed yet mich, 11.09pm uk time,i did fall asleep for a bit in front of the tv,still very drowsy,frightened to go to sleep properly because then it will be another day, the atrocity of morning, but you are right - i will fight through it

[crystalgaze]

Hi Lisa! If you go from the UK straight down south, there'll be some islands down in the sea above South America (maybe a little off to the left or so).

The Virgin Islands are in that chain of islands starting with Cuba. Cuba is just off the coast of Florida.

The beach sounds unique up there where ya are! Rocks!!! Ohh I just LOVE rocks! ~lol~ I'd be happy on that beach! but man, i'd hate to fall out there....

We have sand on the beach but some beaches are a bit rough....

[lisalou]

excellent, now i can picture where you are. the stones are really cool but they do really hurt your feet coming in and out of the sea! brighton is a very beautiful place. there is an area called the north lanes that i really like too which is full of little quirky independent shops and cafes. i feel very guilty being so depressed when i am so lucky...