I must accept that I am just like that?

[paoolowww]

I don't know what else to write when I write what I think, I can't express how I feel, this emptiness is so deep, loneliness makes me so sad, realizing that I don't have anyone physically makes me feel a bad and unpleasant feeling, every time When I finish writing something I feel even more empty. I feel so exhausted, sick, I smell like medicine, I have stopped self-harming, but just as I got to a point where I did not understand why I was doing it, now I wonder why not do it again, at least those sensations of physical pain helped me deal with it internal pain inside of me. I have so many bad feelings and at the same time I don't feel anything. I think there will never be a way out of all this.

[dupesection]

When I'm at my lowest and most suicidal, my loved ones are the first ones I think about. My actual grandparents. How dreadful it would be if I injured them. Even if I can't put my thoughts about hurting other peopledriving directions into words, that alone is often enough to get me out of a funk.