Late Night Musings

[Rubber Boots]

How do I begin?

I’m sure you’ll be able to tell for yourself in a bit, but I’m not a very articulate person even on my best of days; words are not — and will probably never be — my forte, but I wanted to put this out there. I just… I don’t know. I wanted someone to know.

I haven’t been happy in a very long time. I haven’t been happy, and it’s growing to the point where I’m so angry and spiteful about it that I hate anyone who is. I hate it when I see my brother hanging out with his friends, I hate it when I see my classmates laughing along the hallway while I sit alone by the lockers. I keep thinking to myself: where’s my happiness?

I know that’s cowardly, to sit and hate others for no reason. I know that’s selfish. But guess what? I’m both of those things. I’m spineless — anyone can tell you that. I don’t face my problems. I’d much rather stay in denial or run away from them. I’m cowardly because I wouldn’t dare talk about this with anyone in person. I’m cowardly because I make others feel bad to make myself feel better. I’m selfish. I think about myself and I worry about myself and I always say to myself that I have it the worst, even though I know I don’t.

It would be a lie to say I’m not finding someone to blame, because I am. I want to point fingers at somebody, get angry at them and tell them that it’s all their fault. Because wouldn’t that be easy? Then I could say that my problems aren’t really mine — but there’s no one else to blame. I guess I know deep down that I brought this upon myself. I made myself unhappy. I could’ve tried to fix it, could’ve tried to reach out for help, but I didn’t.

I made the choice to fall into depression because I’m too damaged to do anything but.

Sometimes I like to believe I wasn’t always like this. Self-absorbed, self-pitying, self-serving. I’m sick, scared, and I hate how horrible a person I’ve become. But I like to think there was a better story before all of this. I like to think I used to have a smile, I like to think I used to make others smile. I think about all of this the same time I think about my anger, the same time I think about my hatred towards everything and nothing at the same time.

I keep reading and seeing things about how people overcome depression, how people go through the same things I do and come out of it in the end. None of that has ever made me feel better. If there are so many people out there who can push this past them, put it behind them, why can’t I?

Am I crying over something everyone else can be brave about?

[Ieris]

Never forget that it's never too late to change.

You want change but you aren't willing to change therefore you will go around in circles. When you develop the courage and motivation to change, you will easily break out of that loop.

You say you are not happy, so what will make you happy? Think about how you want your life to be and please remember it doesn't have to be the same as other peoples. Make choices that are right for you.

There is no need to hate on others just because they are living their lives. They are focusing their time to make themselves happy but you are focusing on their lives and making yourself unhappy. What good will that do?

Start looking at your own life and its not as bad as you paint it. Splash some colour on there and make it the life that you want it to be x